For whoever who wants to read this story, help yourself and stop at the last chapter. Do not read the last two extra cause it will mess up everything.

My spider sense was on point tho, I knew the mangaka would pull up some crap like that at the very last end, and I was right.

Except for the non sensical extra, this manga was amazing. Calling rape a rape and treating it as such, not romanticize abusive and toxic relationship, showing incest as something immoral and depicting narcissist as self-centered monster.

The bulk of the story is great, deserves a high rating. The conclusion is incomprehensible perhaps because I saw Haruki finally healing after going through so many chapters of his nightmare, the ending is a shame. Haruki deserved better than Hikari or Hanabusa.


Nevertheless, the characters and relationships between family and friends were interesting.

... Last updated on January 31st, 2022, 12:02am

is fantastic, but is a world of pain
trigger warning for all the things, seriously there is NOTHING LIGHT, EVERY IS HEAVY AND IT HURTS
the writting and progression of the story is sublime, I have yet to read a something so heavy that at the same time treats the topics at hand with such an understading (there is nothing HOT or Sexy or romatic here folks) and respect.

The first thing you must know about this is that everybody's basically named the same: Haruka, Haruki, Hikaru, Hanabusa... for real? I mixed them up so much, fuck you author-san Q.Q you did this on purpose didn't you?!

Joking apart, this manga tackles some heavy themes like rape, death, suicide and pathological relationships really well. It takes the most controversial themes from BL, the themes BL is hated (and loved) for, and makes them feel real, showing how ugly they are and how they can destroy people. The themes are portrayed seriously: people realise they're victim of sexual violence, therapists are taken into account, etc. So if you want a dark, tough manga that fully knows how bad the things it portrays are, this is it.

Now, speaking of my personal thoughts on the series, I loved how this makes you torn on who's to blame. Of course what Hikaru does is wrong, but you are brought to pity him because of his history, how mentally ill he is and how much sorrow he feels. His humanity is shown in his pain and in his love for his mother. Haruki makes you understand what being desperate really means. His slow and gradual fall to the pits of hell feels very real. The other characters are portrayed more quickly, but they look realistic as well. I'll be that person and say



As for negative points, the art is baaad. The fact this manages to still be good is admirable, but I wish characters well drawn better. The non-anatomy really killed my eyes in some scenes. As for the time skips and point of view changes, I appreciated them as they are proof of an actual attempt at narration. I say "attempt" because as someone else mentioned it was not 100% successful. Sometimes I was confused and needed some re-reading to understand what was going on. But other times I found it meaningful and nice. This felt like a proper story and not just as sequence of scenes told neutrally.

Ah bring back memories, i remember i read this manga back then when i was still in high school, and i was waitin for this manga to update the new chapter or something new patiently, and tbh until now i do reread this a lot- so much alot- I really do love this.. the stories the character, the plot is really good no kidding, and the art is unique and beauty indeed, tbh we can said that Hikaru and Haruki do have character development (in wrong path) Like-- Haruki character really really does change, not just a little bit, but many things happen also his mental health goes bad poor Haruki huhu and At first too Hikaru is such a Cute boy but because many things happen, like things with his teacher and his bestfriend.. he suddenly snap- you know sometimes i confused because that 3 families member name is similiar Like Haruki, Hikaru and Haruka his mom, and talking about his mom idk like the moms is- i- don't know- i speechless about the mom, and the dad, stand up for your son can u? i feel bad dor Haruki and Hikaru too, like they got their karma but it really saddd- this stories not a fluffy and lovely one, its really heavy and angst and tragedy, it hurt me a lot- and tbh sadly the ending feel rushed, but yea i love this so muchh (｡･ω･｡)

... Last updated on August 26th, 2020, 6:43pm

The moral ambiguity in this manga is top-notch. You cannot label either Haruki or Hikaru as "completely evil." You cannot call Hikaru evil without calling Haruki evil as well. It is because they both did evil things and they both numbed themselves to the point of dissociating and hurting others. Because Haruki is the protagonist and many other reviewers explained Haruki's side of things very well, I'll skim over his side in order to provide a fully fleshed out discussion about this twisted and oddly realistic story.

Hikaru was not a sociopath because sociopaths do not feel emotions. However, narcissists do feel emotions and twist their reasoning to delude themselves enough to fulfill their cruel and selfish agendas. Hikaru felt emotions, and Hikaru was depicted as a narcissist very realistically. Most narcissists abuse their victims, and most of them never repent for their crimes because they don't feel accountable for their crimes. It's always "they (the victims) made me do it!" The depiction of that narcissistic sexual abuse was incredibly realistic and well-done. You can call Haruki weak all you want, but he is far from it. Having a big heart doesn't make you weak. Haruki was kind that's why even Haruka (the mother) was worried about Haruki's kindness.

Hikaru sexually abused Haruki and emotionally manipulated him too, but Hikaru kept repeating over and over he doesn't want to hurt Haruki or for Haruki to hate him. (Those parts hit too close to home for me with my own abusive ex-boyfriend.) He was a fool in love who didn’t know how to properly love another person when it came to sex because he himself was constantly sexually molested as a kid into his pre-teens. Most narcissists don't have to go through abuse as a child to become narcissists, spoiling kids to an unhealthy degree can also make them narcissists. However, Hikaru was so blinded by his own infatuation/love for Haruki as the first non-parental adult to show him kindness and not sexually molest him--because Hikaru was that beautiful and alluring to people. (This felt more like a commentary on society and its obsession with physical beauty and sexualizing beautiful people since they were young kids.) However, all of this does NOT justify Hikaru's actions, but it shows the mental inner workings of Hikaru's thought processes and how he is not a classic case of narcissistic personality disorder even though he played out narcissistic sexual abuse very well.

As for Haruki, No matter how you look at it, that is psychological abuse. Especially when

Hikaru loved his mother, and I thought the mangaka did a beautiful and painful job at portraying their relationship.

The mangaka also did a beautiful job at portraying how a narcissist will only change when they finally hit rock bottom and have to face themselves. Even then, can a leopard ever change its spots?

I hate it and yet I find it incredibly fascinating…
The title translates as “How to kill a heart”, in the sense of finding a way to crush one's spirit. With that in mind, you have to expect the worst outcome while reading this story. It's a very cruel tale about a man who becomes the shadow of himself because of terrible circumstances. That is, rape. And, incredibly enough, it does a very good job at showing how much sexual abuse can be debilitating, as the main character’s physical and mental condition deteriorate throughout the four volumes of the series.
It’s not really a depiction of the illusionary Stockholm syndrome trope, as it feels like the way people around him dismiss the gravity of his situation weights on the main character as much as his persecutor’s deeds. The ones around him prefer to blame him for being in this “shameful” situation and they turn their backs on him when he tries to seek help; in doing so, they avoid facing the dreadful truth. It's a very acerbic criticism of Japanese society and its obsession with honor and the idea of minding your own business to stay out of trouble.
Now the end is what upsets most readers, but bear in mind the meaning of the title. It’s not a love story, it’s a tale of resignation and surrender. As much as I hated it myself, I have to admit that it’s quite thought provoking and it can be interpreted as a big middle finger addressed to society.

Now there are obvious limits to this, mainly due to the fact that this is still BL. First there’s a forced triangular dynamic (I wouldn’t call it a love triangle though); it’s very painful and seems more like a bait to captivate the readers than anything else. More importantly, there’s the very explicit representation of the rape scenes that does contradict the stance of the story has on rape as it is, evidently, also used as an excuse to show smut…
A beautifully ugly mess.

i'm just gonna preface this with the fact that idgaf about rape being trivialized in yaoi. it's porn and idc. but if you're gonna treat rape like super serious business and give us chapters of discomfort and pain because he is not having a good time, and then have the victim end up with the rapist anyway, well a-fuck-you buddy

I just started reading this one and I can't tell yet if the scanlating group is to blame or the author is just awesomely bad at transitioning scenes, but the time jumps and cuts in between make for a rather awkward reading. Oh well. The art is pretty rough and sometimes it gets hard to tell certain characters apart, but I don't remember running into such a good description of sexual abuse trauma before? Negotiation, denial, shame - it runs through the entire spectrum. I just hope it doesn't get romanticized later on because there you have the rare opportunity of making the topic justice and tell a survivors story till the end without cheapening it with a forced "love" story.

Also, thank goodness gracious you get someone like Haruki's senpai for every sociopathic Hikaru out there. It would be unbearable to bear witness to Haruki's pain otherwise.

EDIT: Oh boy. They sure as hell weren't fooling around with that tragedy tag, huh? Can't complain about Haruki's development through the story, it all ringed true if somehow frustrating from time to time. I still hated the ending due to personal ship preferences and though the last coda was absolutely unnecessary, but it's still a solid 10/10 for me.

... Last updated on July 1st, 2018, 3:20pm

It's really twisted and usually I don't like these sort of dark stories (they're pretty pointless imo?) but this one have me wanting to know what happens next. I don't practically care for any of the characters, they just piss me off from time to time, but somehow that doesn't stop me being invested in the storyline in general. Which is unusual.