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How not to approach (ladies your input would be much appreciated)

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Post #466347
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6:02 am, May 4 2011
Posts: 97


Okay so I'm bored, so bored in fact that I have been re-reading topics that I have posted in/started. After re-reading one of them: [http://www.mangaupdates.com/showtopic.php?page=1&tid= 6081] a question popped into my head:

"Some girls like pick up lines, whilst others obviously don't. So what types of approaches would be most acceptable to girls?"

Ladies if nothing comes to mind about what you'd most likely find acceptable, feel free to post about a time when a guy approached you in a way that instantly got on your nerves, made you wanna punch him, etc.

And this is for guys as well. If you're a guy and you're reading this post, describe what type of approach would make you take interest in the girl. Or post about what turns you off.

Try to be as detailed as possible whilst keeping the language PG-13. And also indicate whether you are female or male smile

So to start things off: I'm a guy and the worst way to approach me is to be drunk off your face and throwing yourself at me. Firstly it makes me think that you're easy, thus I don't want anything to do with you. Secondly drunk people (who are not my friends) annoy the hell out of me.

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Post #466354
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6:49 am, May 4 2011
Posts: 278


Guy here,

describe what type of approach would make you take interest in the girl.
I'm easily interested, seeing as most of the girls here (Holland, and I believe that this also counts for the rest of Europe) are good looking.
The problem is that I lose interest real quick when they turn out to be stupid, superficial, shallow or have a completely different mindset.

Or post about what turns you off.
huge hoop earrings and other weird things in ear, tattoos, drunk, drug user, low intelligence, no opinion on anything, smoker, high heels, ugly face, boyish hair or religious.



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8:22 am, May 4 2011
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Since I have no idea how I'd like to be approached, here is one time when a guy's approach disgusted and frightened me.

There was someone who, while approaching me as a "friend", was nevertheless obviously testing the waters, and tried several times during "friendly" conversations to corner me in a way that would make me express a preference for him -- he also came to me when he was depressed and wanted encouragement. This kind of thing happened within a month of our first meeting, and mostly online (although we met offline), and it really, really freaked me out to the point where I stopped signing into the website where we chatted because I was afraid he'd be there and want to talk to me. Also I don't know how it is for other girls, but it really annoyed me that when we talked half the time he wanted to be talking about my personal feelings for various things (family, friends, religion, etc).

So, as concisely as possible -- I don't like it when I'm approached by someone who isn't being honest with me but expects me to be completely honest with him, and who uses passive-aggressive psychological warfare to force me into a position where I feel like I have to be kind to him even though I dislike him.

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his and her sonnet
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8:31 am, May 4 2011
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telling a girl that you've been watching her and counted the freckles on her face......isnt a good idea

Post #466364 - Reply to (#466363) by sarah-eats-cupcakes
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Meh...
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8:35 am, May 4 2011
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Quote from sarah-eats-cupcakes
telling a girl that you've been watching her and counted the freckles on her face......isnt a good idea

laugh

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Post #466365 - Reply to (#466361) by Elaienar
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8:36 am, May 4 2011
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Quote from Elaienar
Since I have no idea how I'd like to be approached, here is one time when a guy's approach disgusted and frightened me.

There was someone who, while approaching me as a "friend", was nevertheless obviously testing the waters, and tried several times during "friendly" conversations to corner me in a way that would make me express a preference for him -- he also came to me when he was depressed and wanted encouragement. This kind of thing happened within a month of our first meeting, and mostly online (although we met offline), and it really, really freaked me out to the point where I stopped signing into the website where we chatted because I was afraid he'd be there and want to talk to me. Also I don't know how it is for other girls, but it really annoyed me that when we talked half the time he wanted to be talking about my personal feelings for various things (family, friends, religion, etc).

So, as concisely as possible -- I don't like it when I'm approached by someone who isn't being honest with me but expects me to be completely honest with him, and who uses passive-aggressive psychological warfare to force me into a position where I feel like I have to be kind to him even though I dislike him.


I also ask those (family, friends, religion, etc) kind of things, is that bad?
Since I ask those things out of interest and not some weird passive-aggressive psychological warfare (Which is an awesome word)

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9:05 am, May 4 2011
Posts: 49


Hmmm, I'm not too sure how to be approached. I really hate it when I get approached and asked first thing questions like "are you black and white?"(I'm multiracial ) "what's your number?" and things like that. I don't like pick up lines but if someone approaches me in friendly manner and starts a more casual conversation I'm willing to give a chance to them.

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9:19 am, May 4 2011
Posts: 254


Turn offs: I for one, hate when after a guy catches my attention starts talking a lot about himself, instead of making conversation. And badmouthing your exgirlfriends it's a really bad idea because it shows you never cared about them, and besides why would I care about them?

I don't know exactly how to say his.
Well once a guy stalked me until home, which was creepy, but because I kind of liked him I gave him my mes id and talked with him online. During the conversation he asked me what I saw in him, he said he wasn't goodlooking, wasn't smart and I really don't think that he was trying to be modest. That lack of confidence was a complete turn off for me, not because it was true what he was thinking, but because I at least liked him so why else would I gave given him my id?
On the other hand I can't stand superior attitudes, because they never feel natural. A trully confident person never needs to show off because he/she will always stand out anyway.
What I'm trying to say is that I want someone equal to me, not someone that amazes that I chose him or that is trying to dominate me.

Other turn offs: stupidity, bad odor, and worst of all trying to feel me from the first date.

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Post #466378
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9:33 am, May 4 2011
Posts: 36


female here~
once i was approached at the bus going to school from a guy... instead of being casual he started to ask me a lot of cuestions about me, my political orientations, my career choice... and then he started to talk about himself while being accomfortably close to me, honestly i felt cornered
and when he asked me my cel number i freaked out and get the hell out of there
so yeah bad experience he came too strong too fast and didn´t stopped even though i was felling really accomfortable... guys out there don´t follow his example
*sorry if my english it isn´t that great*
bye


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9:53 am, May 4 2011
Posts: 707


you are asking for rules and techniques for something that doesn't need any. Just be a good person and use common sense.

Post #466381 - Reply to (#466365) by Myuym
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his and her sonnet
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9:54 am, May 4 2011
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Quote from Myuym
I also ask those (family, friends, religion, etc) kind of things, is that bad?
Since I ask those things out of interest and not some weird passive-aggressive psychological warfare (Which is an awesome word)


ask!
it will make the girl feel that you're genuinely interested in her and not just her pants
BUT, as Elaienar said,never make a girl feel cornered,start asking her about herself after knowing her for a month or so,and make it sound natural

but i think it would be better if you dont ask about her family

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A silly pumpkin
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10:05 am, May 4 2011
Posts: 174


The only advice I can offer is don't let yourself become overcome with testosterone or anything that may lead to irrational thought, the worst thing you can possibly do is something that even makes your guy friends uncomfortable in your company.
Before I begin my heart wrenching and pitiful story of a rather foolish boy, just so you know the context and background information, this was at a dinner party which involved the parents of old primary school classmates. All of us teens there knew each other when we were around four and even earlier than that.

I really am not entirely sure about the situation I was in, but the person I was with had an out of control ego and way to much testosterone. At first it was tolerable as he made a joke about a particular item commonly used to prevent pregnancy and STI's. Then it got a little worse, a comment about not being able to itch his private parts in precisely the right spot (he had his hands down his pants as he said it.) Then it got worse as he actually stroked my face and I don't even like girls touching my arms let alone a guy I just saw scratching his unmentionables. The really bad part though was when he was playing pool with his friends and he used his lower parts as a "distraction" luckily for me he had the decency to warn me before taking out his lower parts so that I could look away. The final straw though was when he stroked my hair, I decided to go back to my parents who were on the front verandah and quietly remarked to my father about how egotistical guys could get. Because we both knew this guy from pre-primary school an he was always a really nice guy my father answered that it was rather sad, but for this boy in question, it was a forceable event that my father had been anticipating.
I am rather confused as to what this guy aimed to achieve as even his friends were giving him funny looks and were gently trying to stop him from making a fool of himself further.

Although I am unsure what was going on in his mind and wether this was even an attempt to secure my affections, I do not advise anyone of any gender to loose their head and allow themselves to do anything which makes you look not only like a complete moron and egotistical fruit loop but also makes everyone around you uncomfortable. smile

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Post #466393
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10:50 am, May 4 2011
Posts: 184


Similar to the above, I suppose. For me, the approach itself isn't too important. I'm flattered when a female approaches me, even though it's mostly me doing the approaching.

Immediate impressions

What I consider positive:
- soft-spoken
- well-dressed / some makeup / good hair / any visible effort put into appearance
- healthy
- polite / gracious
- smiles

Negative:
- anorexic
- obese
- loud
- rude
- boyish hair (very few women look good with boyish hair; most of the women where I live with short/boyish hair I can safely assume are lesbian)
- crude / aggressive (relative few women can get away with that, IMO)

Gradual impression

Positive:
- tactful; knows how to disagree, decline, or counter without "fighting" or embarassing the guy
- reverent
- empathetic
- eats healthy
- sober
- employed; At least try not to sound too financially dependent. Otherwise, it'll be difficult to graduate from "one-night stand" or "friend with benefits".

Negative:
- reticent to me (I'd wonder if she had something to hide.)
- confrontational; feminism and liberal democratic cultures encourage people, especially women, to speak up, and that's fine, but a lot of women take it to mean "be confrontational" and figuratively grow a pair of balls. The fact of the matter is, differences between men and women exist, and men are the ones more closely associated with testosterone. Very few men with any self-esteem enjoy being put down or constantly pushing against their dates/girlfriends. At the very least, wait until you're married and have the guy shackled before emasculating him.

The above mostly comes from an American perspective. It might not apply to some cultures. I'm not sure which.


Post #466394 - Reply to (#466381) by sarah-eats-cupcakes
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10:52 am, May 4 2011
Posts: 278


Quote from sarah-eats-cupcakes
Quote from Myuym
I also ask those (family, friends, religion, etc) kind of things, is that bad?
Since I ask those things out of interest and not some weird passive-aggressive psychological warfare (Which is an awesome word)


ask!
it will make the girl feel that you're genuinely interested in her and not just her pants
BUT, as Elaienar said,never make a girl feel cornered,start asking her about herself after knowing her for a month or so,and make it sound natural

but i think it would be better if you dont ask about her family


Then would it be ok to ask about her opinions on recent news? Or otherwise asked what would be good topics without making her feel cornered (Seeing as I normally ask about religion and views on life really soon)

Post #466396
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11:05 am, May 4 2011
Posts: 184


EDIT: My 2 cents on the above comments from girls "don't corner a girl"... you know, that comes from a female perspective. Of course they don't like feeling cornered.

Guys don't either.

Still, that's from the perspective of someone being pressured. No one likes being pressured. However, the person applying pressure usually has a reason for it, and there shouldn't be a problem applying it reasonably. In fact, many times I felt that if I didn't apply pressure, a girl/woman would just let me hang forever. Most women I've known are passive and even the aggressive ones will use passivity to their advantage... taking their merry time to decide things, or waiting for you to completely expose yourself, your own life story and your opinions, while they keep theirs hidden and safe. It's strategic positioning where they get more info from you, and you're left with very little about them.

Complaints like, "Oh all, he talks about is himself" are common. Lots of girls (ex's, cousins, female friends, etc) say that, but in the end, they likely wouldn't have liked the guy in the first place, and the criticism about the guy being self-centered is merely an excuse to reject him. If the girl liked how the guy looked or something else about the guy, she will usually be more lenient towards his self-centeredness.

No absolutes for social sciences, and obviously use your own best judgment, but I don't think a little pressure is bad. Just some common sense should be applied. (Don't propose marriage on the first date, don't seem too needy/creepy, etc.)

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