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Post #219632
user avatar
Crikey!
 Member

8:42 pm, Oct 24 2008
Posts: 1308


Has anyone seen The farmer's daughter?

n two jokes picked up from Jokes central

Female Comebacks

Spoiler (highlight to view)
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.



Monkey Balls

warning:- icky humour I guess

Spoiler (highlight to view)
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's enjoying it, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, he somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out, and ate it!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."



One of my fave stand up comedians warning: racism, sexual innuendos probably

Last edited by BimboSilly at 11:58 am, Oct 27 2008

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Post #266562
user avatar
 Moderator

1:57 pm, Mar 12 2009
Posts: 9026


Kind of an offensive joke. eek Cleverly disguised as well.

Spoiler (highlight to view)
<Th3No0b> Im going to be the next hitler
<Th3No0b> Im going to kill all the jews and 1 clown
<RageAgainsttheAmish> why the clown
<Th3No0b> See? no one cares about the jews
<RageAgainsttheAmish> lmao


And this one is clever as well, aha~.

Spoiler (highlight to view)
<MooseOnDaLoose> Hey Mike
<goatboy> what?
<MooseOnDaLoose> Pussy.
<goatboy> er?
<MooseOnDaLoose> Pussy.
<goatboy> and?
<MooseOnDaLoose> Pussy.
<goatboy> ...
<MooseOnDaLoose> Pussy.
<goatboy> i dont get it
<MooseOnDaLoose> AND YOU NEVER WILL.
<goatboy> bastard


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Post #276709
user avatar
 Moderator

2:48 pm, Apr 16 2009
Posts: 9026


I'll just leave this here...

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Post #276711 - Reply to (#276709) by Dr. Love
user avatar
Mad With a Hat
Member

2:51 pm, Apr 16 2009
Posts: 4764


Quote from Dr. Love
I'll just leave this here...

User Posted Image



Bahahahahahah.


Silly
??
spot the manga

Last edited by NightSwan at 3:03 pm, Apr 16 2009

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Hrodulf and Bjornolfr, you will not be forgotten.
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And if the world were black and white,
you would be my rainbow in shades of grey.

Click 'n Play!

If I had a fantasy self, it'd be a tentacle monster.
Post #277774 - Reply to (#276711) by NightSwan
user avatar
 Moderator

6:35 am, Apr 19 2009
Posts: 9026


Quote from NightSwan
Silly
??
spot the manga

Lol, I've seen those two last pics already.
And I've watched the first pic's anime.

User Posted Image

User Posted Image

User Posted Image

Anyways, pics...

User Posted Image

User Posted Image

Albeit not so funny, it's been cleverly thought up.

User Posted Image

Dreamworks Criticism

Wielding a gun.

If you read closely, you'll get the "joke".

Some adult guy acting like a kid in K-mart (complaints).

Proof that Yaoi girls are crazy. ;;

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Post #277922
Member

11:43 am, Apr 19 2009
Posts: 539


@NightSwan:
I'm glad you liked the site

Shit!
School's out!
Biology book


Post #277946
user avatar
Mad With a Hat
Member

12:02 pm, Apr 19 2009
Posts: 4764


@Doc
lol.


Don't call me crazy... >.>
<.<


@blob
Yep. Thanks. smile

________________
Hrodulf and Bjornolfr, you will not be forgotten.
User Posted Image
And if the world were black and white,
you would be my rainbow in shades of grey.

Click 'n Play!

If I had a fantasy self, it'd be a tentacle monster.
Post #309224
user avatar
Noob.
Member

6:10 pm, Jul 27 2009
Posts: 35


Bumpity-bump-bump.

Spoiler (highlight to view)
An old lady was about to get raped as much as the number of her teeth. After the men were finished with her, the (pervy) old lady wanted MORE and said, "Wait! I still have my molars left!"


Spoiler (highlight to view)
It was young Bob's birthday, and for his birthday, he was allowed to take a bath with both his mommy and daddy one at a time.
He took a bath with his mommy first and asked what her boobs were called.
"Mommy, what are those?" (Pointing to the boobs)
His mommy replied, "Those are called flash lights, sweet heart".
He then noticed her lower area and asked what THAT was.
And his mommy replied, "That's called a forest, dear".
They then finished their bath.
After Bob took a bath with his mommy in the morning, it was time for his afternoon bath with daddy.
They were taking a bath, and suddenly, Bob noticed his daddy's private area and asked what it was.
His daddy replied, "That's called a snake,young man."
He then finished his afternoon bath with daddy.
Bob couldn't sleep that night, so he went to his mommy and daddy's room.
When he came in, he screamed,"MOMMY! THE SNAKE'S GOING IN THE FOREST! HURRY, GET THE FLASH LIGHTS!"


________________
I still don't have one, shoot.
Post #315323
user avatar
 Site Admin

3:13 am, Aug 22 2009
Posts: 6221


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jTG2Nfcwm6A

Just saw this on TV and had to share. laugh

Post #316409
user avatar
Chaos Incarnated
Member

6:38 am, Aug 27 2009
Posts: 363


well its a dutch joke and for as far as i can tell the translation should work so here goes XD
Spoiler (highlight to view)
A man with a cat on his shoulder walks in a bar. he sits down and the bartender comes over to get his order.

the man orders a beer for himself and a sandwich for the cat. the bartender thinks its a bit strange but brings him the beer and the sandwich. the man reaches in his jacket and takes out a honderd dollar bill and says 'keep the rest'

a few minutes later the man oders the same thing and again the man pays with a honderd dollar bill and says 'keep the change'

after a few more times the bartender asks the man "not that i mind but why do you tip so much" and the man "well let me tell you once in the desert i found a lamp and it had a genie in it. the genie gave me 3 wishes. the first 1 i wished for a ferari" the man points outside in front of the bar. a big ferari in front of the door "the second wish i wished that everytime i reach in my jacket i pull a hundert dollar bill out. my third wish was a unsatisfiable pussy but he missunderstood that one"


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Post #335741
user avatar
 Site Admin

5:19 am, Nov 18 2009
Posts: 6221


Company rules!

Post #348460
user avatar
 Moderator

6:52 am, Jan 11 2010
Posts: 9026


Quote
Quote
what the difference between tiger woods and santa claus?
santa claus stopped at 3 ho's ;D


he's no longer a tiger... he's a CHEETA...

Teehee. x]

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Post #348498 - Reply to (#348460) by Dr. Love
user avatar
Madman
 Moderator

8:34 am, Jan 11 2010
Posts: 3342


Quote from Dr. Love
Quote
Quote
what the difference between tiger woods and santa claus?
santa claus stopped at 3 ho's ;D


he's no longer a tiger... he's a CHEETA...

Teehee. x]

Tiger was actually a lying Cheetah to his Cougar

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Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria!” "
Post #348566 - Reply to (#316409) by D_dragon
user avatar
Lord of nonsense
Member

10:40 am, Jan 11 2010
Posts: 1310


Quote from D_dragon
well its a dutch joke and for as far as i can tell the translation should work so here goes XD
Spoiler (highlight to view)
A man with a cat on his shoulder walks in a bar. he sits down and the bartender comes over to get his order.

the man orders a beer for himself and a sandwich for the cat. the bartender thinks its a bit strange but brings him the beer and the sandwich. the man reaches in his jacket and takes out a honderd dollar bill and says 'keep the rest'

a few minutes later the man oders the same thing and again the man pays with a honderd dollar bill and says 'keep the change'

after a few more times the bartender asks the man "not that i mind but why do you tip so much" and the man "well let me tell you once in the desert i found a lamp and it had a genie in it. the genie gave me 3 wishes. the first 1 i wished for a ferari" the man points outside in front of the bar. a big ferari in front of the door "the second wish i wished that everytime i reach in my jacket i pull a hundert dollar bill out. my third wish was a unsatisfiable pussy but he missunderstood that one"


ROLF!!!

This is why women should not take men shopping against their
will.


DON'T TAKE ME IF I DON'T WANT TO GO...........

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips toK-Mart.

Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local K-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on lay-b y.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8 September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least ...

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Regards,
K-Mart.


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Post #348591 - Reply to (#348566) by Chaoswind
user avatar
Member

1:08 pm, Jan 11 2010
Posts: 1668

Warn: Banned



Quote from Chaoswind
Quote from D_dragon
well its a dutch joke and for as far as i can tell the translation should work so here goes XD
Spoiler (highlight to view)
A man with a cat on his shoulder walks in a bar. he sits down and the bartender comes over to get his order.

the man orders a beer for himself and a sandwich for the cat. the bartender thinks its a bit strange but brings him the beer and the sandwich. the man reaches in his jacket and takes out a honderd dollar bill and says 'keep the rest'

a few minutes later the man oders the same thing and again the man pays with a honderd dollar bill and says 'keep the change'

after a few more times the bartender asks the man "not that i mind but why do you tip so much" and the man "well let me tell you once in the desert i found a lamp and it had a genie in it. the genie gave me 3 wishes. the first 1 i wished for a ferari" the man points outside in front of the bar. a big ferari in front of the door "the second wish i wished that everytime i reach in my jacket i pull a hundert dollar bill out. my third wish was a unsatisfiable pussy but he missunderstood that one"


ROLF!!!

This is why women should not take men shopping against their
will.


DON'T TAKE ME IF I DON'T WANT TO GO...........

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips toK-Mart.

Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local K-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on lay-b y.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8 September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least ...

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Regards,
K-Mart.



OMG!! That's Hilarious!! I like to meet that guy! ahahhaha

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Gay book discussion thread
Quote from you_no_see_me_
this is not about cannibalism...please get back on topic

Quote from Toto
I think it is exactly the topic. I see nothing wrong.
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