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Requesting Feedback on finished manga! (Godly artwork, need feedback on story)

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Reon Meriwether
Post #614558
Member

8:59 pm, Sep 14 2013
Posts: 5


Hello there everyone! I'm Reon Meriwether, a writer from Denmark.

I'm working on my second and third serialization of manga right now, and it is now that I could really use some feedback on my first, to make sure I learn from my mistakes.

I'd also really appreciate a bit of praise if you find anything praiseworthy. I could use the moral support, because generally all you get from editors is notification of the bad things. If anything is good, they just don't mention it!! Hahaha^^ It's hard!

Regardless, here's the link!



The art is done by Eudetenis, a brazillian artist.

Please be gentle on me, everyone! If you lose interest halfway through, then don't feel bad about stopping. Means the manga didn't do good enough to keep you interested, and if that's the case, let me know at which point you felt uninterested!

Thanks!

Last edited by lambchopsil at 10:44 pm, Sep 14

Kaitentsuki
Post #614562
user avatar
Member

9:00 pm, Sep 14 2013
Posts: 852


No need to spam it.....

Reon Meriwether
Post #614563 - Reply to (#614562) by Kaitentsuki
Member

9:02 pm, Sep 14 2013
Posts: 5


I don't think I'm spamming it. Just put the thread in 3 relevant boards.

Kaitentsuki
Post #614566 - Reply to (#614563) by Reon Meriwether
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9:12 pm, Sep 14 2013
Posts: 852


Which is totally unneeded and does not help, one is enough. On the feedback side I felt that there were several unnecessary parts or parts that felt missing/rushed. For example when he is trying to kill the ghouls with the gasoline he does a pose and saying watch me demons, just seemed unnatural seeing that he was forcible put in a game and running for his life. The demon and the girl also seemed forced since we do not see any reason for it, we have zero idea why she is in love and why that demon is showing favoritism towards the boy. Also the manga seemed to have been written in a weird mish mash of oneshot/chapter format. I went over the manga fairly quicky so these were the only things I noticed the art was the biggest redeeming thing about it with the story being subpar from what I read to be honest.

Last edited by Kaitentsuki at 9:23 pm, Sep 14

Reon Meriwether
Post #614567 - Reply to (#614566) by Kaitentsuki
Member

9:26 pm, Sep 14 2013
Posts: 5


Quote from Kaitentsuki
Which is totally unneeded and does not help, one is enough. On the feedback side I felt that there were several unnecessary parts or parts that felt missing/rushed. For example when he is trying to kill the ghouls with the gasoline he does a pose and saying watch me demons, just seemed unnatural see ...


A perfect example of knowing what to criticize, but not actually being constructive in any way, shape, or form.

Other than that, there are several hinting factors as to who the narrator is, why he can order the demons around, and why he shows favoritism towards the main character.

As for why the heroine likes the main character, is also hinted at.

Kaitentsuki
Post #614572 - Reply to (#614567) by Reon Meriwether
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Member

9:39 pm, Sep 14 2013
Posts: 852


Well I am just a reader but I know people can improve upon being criticized, I can't tell nor can I walk you step by step what is wrong with it and I am not your editor who can give you contructive criticism. What I can do is at most tell you what I felt was wrong or unnatural and as I said the manga as a whole felt a tad bit rushed at certain places such as when he was facing the ghouls, we felt no danger nor tension and it just went he got lighter, saw gas, ghouls came in, he ran, he lighted while doing a pose and being extremely flashy while telling his tormentors watch this. Just reread it and the romance between them still felt unnatural, he barely knew her and probably was also just interested in her looks pre knowing her which was the same reason why she was lonely and out of place and we barely see any personality out of both characters to see how identical they are except for your words that they are. On the side of the narrator I thought he always popped up because he was the narrator, not because he was there but the only reason I can think of why he helped was because he was a classmate.

Last edited by Kaitentsuki at 9:47 pm, Sep 14

lambchopsil
Post #614580 - Reply to (#614563) by Reon Meriwether
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Archon Solon
 

10:44 pm, Sep 14 2013
Posts: 7850


Quote from Reon Meriwether
I don't think I'm spamming it. Just put the thread in 3 relevant boards.

It is spamming

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jj11103
Post #614624
user avatar
Member

9:21 am, Sep 15 2013
Posts: 143


The story was good enough to keep me reading; however, there is a lot that can be improved upon. First of all, I couldn't help but notice there was a lot a of awkward phrasing and some grammatical errors in the writing. I remember reading "everyone were" instead of "everyone was." This may be trivial to some people, and you yourself may find this irrelevant, but it hindered my reading. A part of the awkward phrasing was unnecessary words/info. "Later that day," "Later, outside the school," and "Some time later" are not needed and seem out pf place. In novels/ books, these might be needed, but not in manga. Because there are pictures in manga, transitions between scenes do not have to be dictated. They can be depicted simply through an image of students getting out of school or a preview of a location to signal change.

The narration needs work as well. Although I see what you are trying to do by having this omnipresent demon narrate, the on and off narration of Shichiro and the demon is confusing. I could still tell the narration apart, but the confusion is enough to interrupt the flow of the story. The switching narration can be kept, but should be more natural. Often, the demon or his narration just appeared out of nowhere.

Quote from Reon Meriwether
Other than that, there are several hinting factors as to who the narrator is, why he can order the demons around, and why he shows favoritism towards the main character.

As for why the heroine likes the main character, is also hinted at.


Clearly, the narrator is supposed to be like satan or something of the sort. The favoritism, I'm afraid, I don't see any explicit reasons for. The same goes for the romance. On Shichiro's part it was stated that he had liked the girl since middle school; however, the girl's random confession and Shichiro's initial rejection doesn't show why the heroine would like Shichiro. The only other scenes of the heroine with classmates or in the hospital do not hint at why either. Perhaps, I'm missing something, but if I am, can you please elaborate?

There's more I'd like to write, but for now I think this is enough. The art is nice and there is potential in the story, but before the potential can be realized, there needs to be a considerable amount of editing. Otherwise, good luck(:


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