I agonized for a ridiculously long time before making this post, but... I figured, I can't be the only one who needs unbiased advice, right? So let's make this an open mic sort of thing, where everyone can ask questions about relationship problems they're having, and the others can respond with their ideas. Just a supportive environment to talk about things we don't normally get to talk about, lol...

Also, if it's open mic, I'll feel like less of an idiot (er, somewhat?) for asking the questions I'm about to ask. So here goes.

How long do you think people are willing to date before having sex? I've only had two relationships so far, since I'm a serious sort of person who believes in commitment etc. However, in both those relationships, I kind of jumped in the sack as soon as I could, since I was in love with the other person and wanted them so much and - well, you know what it's like. Both times, the relationship didn't last, because I was so in love that I didn't notice little warning signals about this person not being right for me. (They weren't bad people, mind, just folks with completely different ideas about what constitutes a committed relationship. Our break-ups were amiable, but we did break up. With a great deal of finality.)

So now I have someone new I'm interested in, after a long time. I was kind of exhausted on the relationship front, as one tends to be after two heartbreaks. I didn't really expect to meet someone new so soon. But I have. And I'm... very serious about this guy. Not that I wasn't serious in my past two relationships - in fact, the reason I broke up was because I was serious and they weren't - but this time, I know enough about myself to know that a long-term commitment is what I'm looking for, and if the other party can't offer it to me, then I'm really not interested. (I mean, I'm 25 already. I've never been into short-term relationships or casual dating, but even if I had been, now would be the time to settle down. I'm seriously thinking of settling down with somebody. Starting a family by the time I'm 30, at least!)

This other guy also appears to be the serious type; he broke up with his ex because she didn't want kids, so he's obviously in it for the long haul.

I think.

But I don't want to gamble with my heart anymore. After two heartbreaks, I'm like... I want to take my time to get to know him. So I want to date him for a few months without becoming physically intimate, just so that I can really get to know him and be sure of what and who I'm committing to before moving any further. Because if he isn't looking for something long-term, he'll probably lose patience with the no-sex dating. Then I'll know that he isn't really interested in me, but in my - er, you know. Like the last two were.

Is this a bad way of going about things? I mean, it's not like I'll tease him or anything; I'm planning to tell him, straight out, that it's because I'm serious about him that I want to take my time before getting intimate with him. Breaking up is that much more heart-rending after you've been having sex regularly; if I get to know him for a few months first, then I'll have more of an idea of the sort of person he is, and whether we should continue dating. After that, if I still find no loopholes in his commitment abilities, I'll be more than happy to go ahead on the physical level - after all, I'm not one of those shrinking violets who doesn't like sex. It's going to be tough for me to control myself, too! But for the sake of my sanity and my emotional safety, I'm not going to let sex hijack the first stage of my relationship anymore. I'm really looking for something very long-term, and for that, I need all my wits about me when I first make the decision to commit.

What do you guys think? Do I sound like a really silly, really old-fashioned person? In today's society, is it okay to not have sex for several months at the beginning of a relationship?

This guy is very serious, reserved and thoughtful; he's not flighty or flirty or light-hearted. A very responsible and sensitive sort of guy. Someone like that, well - it won't seem weird if I say I want to abstain for a while, will it? Especially if I explain the reasons for it, by saying that it's only because I'm interested in him seriously that I'm pacing myself.

Gah, this whole thing sounds so weird. I'm kind of amused by it, actually.

But this is serious! I need help! I've asked my friends, but they're all a) biased and b) very much like me. So they only reflect my opinions back at me - I want to hear other points of view, especially more points of view from guys.

So to all the guys out there - if you were really serious about someone, about committing to them in the long-term, would you be willing to wait before hopping into the sack? And if so, how long could you wait? Would 3-4 months be okay? Would 6 months be too much? And during this time, would you be able to abstain from physical liaisons with anyone else? Would you think it wrong to do so, if the girl you're dating has said that she's serious about you?

And to all the girls out there - if you were serious about a guy, how would you go about finding out if he was also serious about you? Would you employ a similar method to mine, or do you have other ideas?

Any help will be appreciated! Sorry for hogging the mic for so long. Anyone else can feel free to share their experiences or ask questions, too...


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Well, you always have interesting posts, so I don't mind.

I advise you not to wait 6 months though, that's a bit -too- long. Three/four months are do-able I guess. And if he's really serious about you, he won't cheat with someone else, so this could be kind of viewed as a test.

What's a measly 3-4 months anyways, to an hopefully successful relationship that'll last for decades. I wish you luck~

And nope, I don't need to use the mic~ ;3

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are we calculating something here? I didnt know love/passion was something you can calculate about.

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Calculate? Please, elaborate before making a vague statement.

If you were referring to how much months you should wait, then yes even one month does really matter for a guy. If you're a guy, you should understand. If you're a girl, then there you go, you know now.

(Or maybe it's just my impatient nature. )

Her question to the male members was basically how long should she wait to finally enter the physical state in their relationship, while still having enough time to get to know his personality before that. I just answered that.

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another big mistake is planning everything out too thoroughly. although i dont really have any right to talk because i have single handedly sabotaged every single relationship i have ever been in.

but i think relationships shouldnt be seen as some kind of equation, or game plan.
is it a good idea to wait until you are read to have sex? yes
can having sex early in a relationship cause problems? yes
but:
does picking a number out of a hat and waiting until then to have sex make sense? no
is it a good idea to deny the desires of the person you care about to conform to(or go against) social norms? no
in my opinion it shouldnt be a matter of time, it should be a matter of when you both think the timing is right. can that be after 6 months? yeah. can it be after a few dates? yeah.

also, in my experience, it would be best to just talk to him about it in detail. i mean if you are both serious, and you cant talk about sex and your relationship, then it might not work out.
not only that, but guys are fucking clueless. seriously. i cant even count the number of times when i was completely ignorant of you she-wolves and your intense planning towards relationships, and as a result i made mistakes.

but basically, what im trying to say, as a person that has been in a lot of relationships that have failed miserably, talk everything out, be blunt if you have to. In my experience serious and subtly dont go hand in hand, so he might not pick on subtle hints and get the feeling that he is being played.

well im done rambling. later

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"When god gives you lemons, find a new god."

Its stupid I know, but go with the flow. Trying to "calculate" how much time you've got to hold off sex is rather ridiculous. It just depends on people. Some would be more or less inclined to think of sex after a short time and others would wait until it's a "good" moment. When you feel that you've both reached a consensus about it, talk to him about it. You described him as being thoughful so he should be ok waiting for you to be ready.

A female friend of mine has been dating a guy for what...5 years now and they still haven't done it and they're still "lovey dovey" *Ughhh...pukes at that word* They're already planning to get married after she graduates college.

So there you have it...If he really likes you, he should be able to wait...

could we have this friend's boyfriend name and address so we can eliminate the fool
...giving bad exampe...

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If the sea were made of Whiskey and I was a duck
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So you'd rather break up with the girl or force yourself on her if she didn't want to?

I for one, applaud him for not bringing up the subject to her...though it's troublesome how he goes to me and rants about how he really wants to...

He's more normal than me actually since at least he thinks about it...As for me? I think more traditionally. As in, No pre-marital sex

Last edited by blakraven66 at 12:03 pm, Aug 22 2008

That's about what over eighty percent of youth do. Don't put out? Well then, your out.

How society has fallen that love is but an illusion of lust...

Wise words man.

to me THIS is CALCULATING something that should be NATURAL to feel and to do. Its too difficult to understand, if my post is called "vague statement"? (read below)



And again: absurd asking someone else the amount of time to wait before having a sexual intercourse. Its something different from person to person AND again, its something that should be known innately. If not, she needs to maturate some more, not ask someone else (i say this for her own sake)

And here I thought i briefly pinpointed the main problem here...

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You don't want to gamble with your heart anymore? With your feelings? ...Fool! Love's a gamble.
Like choosing your clothes for a date. Or the time, the place...etc. It's always a gamble. You have to guess what he likes or what could/should/will happen. There is no safe way to obtain love. There is no manual. The only help you have is experience and maybe a few opinions...like you mentioned...but they should be not biased, if possible.

The highest level of saying "I love you." directly is sex. And we all know, guys are more direct than girls... If he is the serious type of person, he can wait...but don't let him wait to long. I mean, he wanted kids, right?

Just let it flow naturally. If it should be, it will be.


SeeYa

Gorath

that is going overboard...i just meant sharing knowledge that a man in relationship can go without for 5 years is doing a contra favor for all men...
i'm such an ass

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If the sea were made of Whiskey and I was a duck
I'd swim to the bottom and never come up