Okay.. I know I'm not a very active member of the forums, but this is eating me up and my friends.. well, things are really difficult right now for them as well and it's not a subject we discuss anymore...
But I'm stuck and I really could use any advice or just general conversation if you've been in a similar situation or just want to drop by to offer your two cents.

My ex-boyfriend has a BAD drinking habit. He drinks everyday, even when he is all alone in his house. We're both in college, he was supposed to graduate this semester but he's had to drop a few classes (albeit not related to the drinking, thankfully) so he's graduating the next one.
He's a party monster kind of guy. He loves the attention and just enjoys losing himself in all the partying and the drinking. We broke up because of that.

I drink, I like it but I don't like getting drunk every weekend or being wasted every single day. So, after almost 5 years together, and a lot of fights because of the drinking, I finally gave up and realized he rather spend his time drinking than with me.

It's tough and it hurts like hell being left behind for alcohol. But I can't keep waiting for him to choose me. I really feel like my life at this point is like a bad episode of a tv drama. And I just want the pain to go away.
I'm not a really crying-type sort of girl. But I haven't been able to stop the tears from coming for a while now. I really don't know if I'm doing the right thing by letting him go or if I should keep pestering him until he gets help, even though not as his girlfriend anymore but as a concerned friend.

We spoke today, and I told him that I was very sorry things ended this way but that I couldn't wait anymore for him. He would say one thing ("I'm tired of this life, it's so empty, I know I have a problem I have to deal with") and then go ahead and go all Lindsay Lohan on me. He told me he was sorry for losing the one person that truly cared about his well being and himself, and that he knew he had a problem and was sad I wouldn't be in his life anymore. But the thing is that he chose to close me off, because even before I told him this, we had been in touch as friends, but always, always because I spoke to him first.

I'm sorry, I'm rambling and I probably don't make a lot of sense. But I am really heartbroken and I don't know what to do. I know I should just let go of a man that prefers booze over the woman he claims to love but how in the world do you do that?


-I'm sorry for the long post, thank you for reading

Find another guy.
If he won't quit his drinking,
you don't need to care for him.
He has chosen it and if he does not
have any interest in helping himself,
then nothing can be done. If he
knows he has a problem and he does not
even feel sorry for himself and want to grow
out of his habits, then no one can force him.

Oh..well..uh. Read manga would be my suggestion. =___=. But I don't know if that'll really help.
*And I agree with what Mams just said.

Sounds to me like he definitely has an alcohol problem (and possibly other issues, maybe depression?), but chances are he will not get help and nothing you can do will really help him UNTIL he chooses for himself to get help.

*IF* you can be a friend without making yourself miserable, and remind him that there are people who care about him & want him to get help, then that's great. However - it doesn't sound like he's ready to get help and being around him is not good for your mental health, so you may have to just walk away.

I don't know "how to get over him" other than time.

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"[English] not only borrows words from other languages; it has on occasion chased other languages down dark alley-ways, clubbed them unconscious and rifled their pockets for new vocabulary."
-James Nicoll, can.general, March 21, 1992

THANK YOU FOR YOUR REPLIES and sorry about the double post, I just edited this one.



I agree but how do you do that? Because I forgot to mention that this is my very first time doing this, the breaking up thing. I practically grew up with him, my first boyfriend ever, and now I'm just lost. The breakups, do you ever stay friends? Because most of my friends tell me to just put some distance between us and forget all about him.
But how do you leave behind one of your most important human beings in the world? And it's difficult for me because I don't open up to many people, so I can count with my hands who I trust and care about. How do I scratch one off the list so easily?





Yeah, he's got all kinds of issues... he knows that as well, but he rather take the easy way out. What I'm afraid is that his "friends" encourage him to live that kind of lifestyle, and when they don't, he just goes to another circle of friends.. and he keeps doing this over and over. I'm afraid that if he doesn't have anyone to keep him grounded then it would be too late to get help... but then again, he's not a child anymore.

He is a man that has to take responsibility for his actions... I know this but I can't bear the thought of something horrible happening to him and that I did nothing to stop it.

Last edited by gawdess at 4:24 pm, Sep 20 2009

You know...what you just wrote really reinforces that he's not ready/willing to get help right now. At this point, he's only willing to be with people who go along with the drinking etc. and no matter what other friends say, he's not listening.

It sounds to me like you HAVE done what you can to stop/help him. It hasn't worked because HE isn't ready/willing to get help; it's not your fault and it's not that you "did nothing to stop it", it's simply that "nothing you CAN do will stop it".

IMO the most you can do is let him know that you care about him & will be there to help him get help when he's ready, but that you can't be around him when he's like this.

________________
"[English] not only borrows words from other languages; it has on occasion chased other languages down dark alley-ways, clubbed them unconscious and rifled their pockets for new vocabulary."
-James Nicoll, can.general, March 21, 1992

Let's see...I don't think he "chose the alcohol over you." Like an alcoholic really has a choice; This just sounds wrong. There's a line between just drinking and more than that. It seems he has some serious problems and drinking is just one of them.

Try to stay friends with him even if it hurts, he's a human too so I wouldn't suggest trying to "forget him." That's cruel and it's also impossible. And I'm the last person to defend alcoholics, thankfully he doesn't become some other person when he's drunk. I can tell you that.

You shouldn't throw at least 5 years of knowing each other away just to mean nothing in the end. Just be there as his friend, maybe you won't lose anything this way? Don't do anything a friend wouldn't do, if you know what I mean. Secretly hover over him, maybe in time he will grow up and see what's right in front of him.

When a person's depressed, it's impossible to see the good in life, regardless of it being there or not. Don't take that personally.

All in all, have positive thoughts!

By the way, I would suggest not to drink around him. At all. In fact, try to keep that out of the conversations you two may have out of the way all together. Maybe even talk to his good friends about it, if he has any and if you know them well enough to.

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Right now, you should be less concerned about him and more about yourself.

The reason I say this is because, from what I have read, you are thinking of going back to him. Now, you might not be consciously thinking this but at some level you are, and you need to stop that immediately. For, it will not be a healthy relationship, and I'd suggest that you'd go see a councilor, a psychologist would be best... just don't go to a life coach. This person will help you to understand what a healthy relationship is and give you the tools to better your situation. If you don't, there is a high chance that your next relationship will have a similar outcome... except you might not be able get out of it that time.

As for him, TofuQueen best explained his situation. He will not be getting help anytime soon, which is most likely because he hasn't gotten the revelation that he does not want to and can't live like that anymore. Now, this revelation does not always happen and even if it does it might be decades from now. So, until he does... he will stay like that, and you need to realize that all you do during that time will have absolutely no effect on him what-so-ever.

P.S. 5 years is nothing compared to a marriage to an alcoholic that you might end up with if start thinking you can salvage this relationship.

________________
"Officially, this machine doesn't exist, you didn't get it from me,
and I don't know you. Make sure it doesn't leave the building."

TofuQueen is right. You did all you could to help him and since he still doesn't do anything about it, there's nothing else you can do. You opened the door for him, it's his job to walk through it.

And with you moving on, this might be the thing to shock him out of it. There's a chance that he'll finally realize how much you really meant to him and that will make him decide on becoming a better person for you by getting rid of the alcoholism and depression.

But don't wait on him to do it though. If you wait, you'll be passing tons of opportunities, and it'll show him that he's got a hold on you. And that's something that you never want to show anyone, trust me.

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FIGHT GIRL!!
the guy seriously has issues...
the sea has lots of fishes and many other creatures in it!!
i bet that it really is painful because you love each other for a long time and the cause of the break up is a sad thing...
BUT...
life keeps on going and it wouldnt stop if something bad happens so..
im advising that you should just keep living on and if your ready... go find another guy who will support you and care for you..

________________
oh please do click this!
The sweeter the apple, the higher the branch. The quieter the fart, the nastier the smell.
GUESS WHO??

Thank you, honestly, THANK you.

Sadly, I don't think he'll get the revelation by losing me. But I do need to move on. As you said Toto, I'm afraid I had been unconsciously hoping that we'd get back together...I do love him too much, way more than myself.. but I won't and I can't. I don't think that I'd be helping my cause by getting back together, it would only show him that it's okay to keep messing up, because I'd just be going back to him.

So, yeah, that's not going to happen. I won't let myself fall in it again.

It's so clear what to do when something like this happens to someone else, but when it's yourself, it's damn hard to follow your own advice. I met a girl a few years back, who was in a worse situation as mine, and I remember telling her to love herself, to move on, to find someone who would show her the respect that she deserved... and most of what everyone has said here already. It's funny how you know all these things, and at the same time when you actually need it, they fade away. The knowledge and reasoning just go flying out the window and everything is chaos.

I consider myself a fairly rational person, but I have to admit that when it comes to him I need to remind myself to remain rational. Right now, I don't know which is the rational thing to do. I'm the kind of person that NEVER gives up on her friends and family, and always look on the bright side, or tries to see the positive light in the impending darkness. So when I try to decide whether or not I should stay friends with him I doubt.
I don't think we could be friends, at least not really until a few years have passed. But I could want to stay in touch, and just chat through msn every once in a while to see what we are up to. I try to think about it as if this is happening to someone else, but nothing comes to mind. I don't know if I should, I don't know if it's better to shut off all contact.

What have you guys done after your breakups? What would you recommend?

Again, thank you, it's so liberating to write all this down, to finally be able to speak all my thoughts. We're living in dark times, and frankly, love affairs are the last thing people would be worried about.. so I just keep it to myself.

Thank you!!
big hug!!!!!!!

I know exactly how you feel.

Personally, I don't think you should shut off all contact with him. Like you said, contact him once in a while.

As for what I did after a breakup, I just went on to do hobbies that would take my mind off of it. And I made sure that the hobbies I did wouldn't remind me of my ex-girlfriend.

The one thing that I think you should do is take things slow. There's no need to rush into another relationship (Unless you don't mind being in rebound relationships) Besides, you're 150. You're still young.

Last edited by loosecannon504 at 10:05 pm, Sep 20 2009

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just stay as acquaintance someone as weak as that should work as a better person before having a relationship that he can help other and himself.

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