Quote from Crenshinibon
Sidenote: have you noticed how amateur writers are all fascinated with death? It's bizarre.
Don't mock my nanowrimo story line before you have even heard it!! ;-;
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Add ideas to my english subject story idea? :D
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Member
6:49 pm, Oct 20 2011
Posts: 707
Don't mock my nanowrimo story line before you have even heard it!! ;-;
Member
6:54 pm, Oct 20 2011
Posts: 704
death = the most easiest way to bring up the drama
Member
6:56 pm, Oct 20 2011
Posts: 348
I agree with what most of the people here say. It's too much plot for too little space. I am not sure if you are capable of writting a dark story but I haven't seen your writting just your idea.
The idea itself sounds like a combination of various plots and it isn't very realistic.
For example
-The time frame is much too short for the amount of thing happening.
-If the boyfriend turns into a jerk there would be tip offs. Not large ones but maybe he said something that makes you a little uncomfortable. Even if you did like him, you would have this nagging feeling in your stomach. (Been there, done that)
-Moving into someones house isn't very sudden. You need to put the house on the market, pack and move your things, inform the government and various other things. Not a short process. The shortest amount of times is maybe 3 weeks.
-There need to be a better motive for her sisters hate for her. Jelousy IS a major motive but for a 10 year old it's stretching it but if she had a more unstable childhood then her sister or major event that happened to her only, maybe a dehabilitating or tramatic accident it would make a bit more sense.
-Edwards character seems very 2 dimetional. Does he have a background of mental stability issues? What did Alice do to make him love her. Did he have a tramatic past or is she the only one to understand him? Abandonment issues perhaps where people are taking away "his" Alice? I know he loves Alice but killing someone is a bit far especially with no prerequisites of previous violence. If he has been over protective of her to begin with then that part might be a bit moe believable but you stated that he ignores her in class so that can't be possible.
-The whole orphanage thing isn't very realistic for the exact reasons Hespia Klarerin stated below.
The names do sound like Twilight names and it makes me cringe.
To what was said earlier about writting a short story, I wrote a short story for grade 8 about a girl who cuts herself and it was very graphic and realistic that 2 teachers, school nurse and principal called home to ask my mother if i had household problems and offered to give me "help". The next day the whole class had to have wrist checks to see if anyone was cutting themselves.....
(Also, did you steal my name?
)
Quote from Klapzi
Let's start with....Your plot is an abomination(a mix of Twilight, Vampire Academy and The Sword of Truth)
The whys:
You have a big plot ideia and are trying to condensate it into a few days. A short story plot must be simple, read books for children and you will notice it.
You are not mentally capable of writing a dark story. No, I'm not saying you are dumb, you are just not the kind of person who writes a dark story... You are probably a happy high school girl(at most) who reads shoujo, you should write love stories.
The guy is called Edward.
The protagonist's sister is a ridiculous character in many ways, but I guess this is part of the dark mentality thing.
No parties on friday.
The whys:
You have a big plot ideia and are trying to condensate it into a few days. A short story plot must be simple, read books for children and you will notice it.
You are not mentally capable of writing a dark story. No, I'm not saying you are dumb, you are just not the kind of person who writes a dark story... You are probably a happy high school girl(at most) who reads shoujo, you should write love stories.
The guy is called Edward.
The protagonist's sister is a ridiculous character in many ways, but I guess this is part of the dark mentality thing.
No parties on friday.
The idea itself sounds like a combination of various plots and it isn't very realistic.
For example
-The time frame is much too short for the amount of thing happening.
-If the boyfriend turns into a jerk there would be tip offs. Not large ones but maybe he said something that makes you a little uncomfortable. Even if you did like him, you would have this nagging feeling in your stomach. (Been there, done that)
-Moving into someones house isn't very sudden. You need to put the house on the market, pack and move your things, inform the government and various other things. Not a short process. The shortest amount of times is maybe 3 weeks.
-There need to be a better motive for her sisters hate for her. Jelousy IS a major motive but for a 10 year old it's stretching it but if she had a more unstable childhood then her sister or major event that happened to her only, maybe a dehabilitating or tramatic accident it would make a bit more sense.
-Edwards character seems very 2 dimetional. Does he have a background of mental stability issues? What did Alice do to make him love her. Did he have a tramatic past or is she the only one to understand him? Abandonment issues perhaps where people are taking away "his" Alice? I know he loves Alice but killing someone is a bit far especially with no prerequisites of previous violence. If he has been over protective of her to begin with then that part might be a bit moe believable but you stated that he ignores her in class so that can't be possible.
-The whole orphanage thing isn't very realistic for the exact reasons Hespia Klarerin stated below.
The names do sound like Twilight names and it makes me cringe.
Quote from Hespia Klarerin
what wait
so alice is this beautiful girl that was born from alcohol-abusing mom and have a sinister sister
and her boyfriend is a obsessed psychotic murderer that murdered her sister and her step-dad
and she still chooses to love him
is this a case of Stockholm syndrome?
ps. where does she live that she ended up in orphanage because her mom can't take care of her. certainly not in America in 20th century. first of all there isn't many orphanages out there, they're replaced with foster homes. and if her mom is so poor that she can't feed her own daughter (which makes no sense since she must've had some money leftover from selling her house, not to mention that her husband died, so she should've got inheritance) there are programs out there that helps children (under 18) in poor home. basically, government give u money! (but of course, is her mom abused her kids in her alcoholic condition, then social workers will take the children away to foster home)
so alice is this beautiful girl that was born from alcohol-abusing mom and have a sinister sister
and her boyfriend is a obsessed psychotic murderer that murdered her sister and her step-dad
and she still chooses to love him
is this a case of Stockholm syndrome?
ps. where does she live that she ended up in orphanage because her mom can't take care of her. certainly not in America in 20th century. first of all there isn't many orphanages out there, they're replaced with foster homes. and if her mom is so poor that she can't feed her own daughter (which makes no sense since she must've had some money leftover from selling her house, not to mention that her husband died, so she should've got inheritance) there are programs out there that helps children (under 18) in poor home. basically, government give u money! (but of course, is her mom abused her kids in her alcoholic condition, then social workers will take the children away to foster home)
To what was said earlier about writting a short story, I wrote a short story for grade 8 about a girl who cuts herself and it was very graphic and realistic that 2 teachers, school nurse and principal called home to ask my mother if i had household problems and offered to give me "help". The next day the whole class had to have wrist checks to see if anyone was cutting themselves.....
(Also, did you steal my name?
)
Mome Basher
Member
8:03 pm, Oct 20 2011
Posts: 3380
Quote from AliceinAmestris
To what was said earlier about writting a short story, I wrote a short story for grade 8 about a girl who cuts herself and it was very graphic and realistic that 2 teachers, school nurse and principal called home to ask my mother if i had household problems and offered to give me "help".
LOL
Reminds me of when I was called to the councilor's office after handing in a story about a young man who wanted to kill his mother under the theme of "You don't know what you've got till it's gone" in 8th grade.
'twas a free ticket out of a double period
________________
Everyday I'm tumblin'
Member
8:09 pm, Oct 20 2011
Posts: 704
makes me wonder why i wasn't sent to counseling after my teacher read my "the girl with multiple personality disorder having identity issue end up in suicide" draft.
Although she showed concern when i asked "how long will it take for the authority to notice that a middle-schooler ran away from home in the thanksgiving weekend, given that her parent's don't care for her"
Although she showed concern when i asked "how long will it take for the authority to notice that a middle-schooler ran away from home in the thanksgiving weekend, given that her parent's don't care for her"
AKA Roseille
Member
8:48 pm, Oct 20 2011
Posts: 326
I'm glad that you enjoy writing! 
The written word is one of the most powerful things in existence when used correctly.
I am a mere college student, but I have a smidgen of experience in the field of writing. (I work at the Writing Center at my college and organize a campus creative writing group.) However, I am an antisocial hermit, so take my words with a grain of salt.
Your ending doesn't necessarily seem to be missing something, but a lot of your character motivations are not actually developed. Fictional characters will never stand out as anything more than carbon-copies of all the others unless you develop their thoughts, their motivations, their quirks and their interests. A lot of the characters seem to be stereotypes—which aren't always bad; after all, we keep them because they work—but you have to make them believable. The story seems a little weak and loosely strung together in part because the characters seem excessively melodramatic without reason.
Don't get me wrong—I love angst. I devour the stuff like candy and small children. Your story seems to take the paths that other writers--and especially mangaka--have walked a thousand times before. Why is her boyfriend so deeply disturbed? Why are your main characters family members cruel? For the characters to seem real, they must have motivations.
Considering these questions, narrowing the focus of your story, and rounding out your characters would really add some punch to your story, I think. As always, remember the overused "Show, don't tell." Instead of describing your characters' emotions, show them in the way they act, their mannerisms, their facial expressions.
Keep writing! Don't let anything get you down, and embrace criticism. It hurts sometimes, but you should hold it closely. There's always truth even in the sharpest comments. The more you listen and read, the more you learn.
Good luck. (Please forgive me if I make no sense at all. If I ever get around to it, sleep will do wonders for my mental acuity.)
________________
≡ Youtube ≡ DeviantART ≡ Roseille Scans
The written word is one of the most powerful things in existence when used correctly.I am a mere college student, but I have a smidgen of experience in the field of writing. (I work at the Writing Center at my college and organize a campus creative writing group.) However, I am an antisocial hermit, so take my words with a grain of salt.
Your ending doesn't necessarily seem to be missing something, but a lot of your character motivations are not actually developed. Fictional characters will never stand out as anything more than carbon-copies of all the others unless you develop their thoughts, their motivations, their quirks and their interests. A lot of the characters seem to be stereotypes—which aren't always bad; after all, we keep them because they work—but you have to make them believable. The story seems a little weak and loosely strung together in part because the characters seem excessively melodramatic without reason.
Don't get me wrong—I love angst. I devour the stuff like candy and small children. Your story seems to take the paths that other writers--and especially mangaka--have walked a thousand times before. Why is her boyfriend so deeply disturbed? Why are your main characters family members cruel? For the characters to seem real, they must have motivations.
Considering these questions, narrowing the focus of your story, and rounding out your characters would really add some punch to your story, I think. As always, remember the overused "Show, don't tell." Instead of describing your characters' emotions, show them in the way they act, their mannerisms, their facial expressions.
Keep writing! Don't let anything get you down, and embrace criticism. It hurts sometimes, but you should hold it closely. There's always truth even in the sharpest comments. The more you listen and read, the more you learn.
Good luck. (Please forgive me if I make no sense at all. If I ever get around to it, sleep will do wonders for my mental acuity.)
________________
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jail bait
Member
2:36 am, Oct 21 2011
Posts: 1444
YAY for WRITING!
so im gonna comment too.. as the others have said your characters are kindda not realistic, but it has potential, just turn the drama down a notch because you are writing a short story, right? . i dont know. maybe.. make Alice a little bit not Mary Sue-ish, you know Strong Female lead that doesnt take shit, or make her mom more responsible, or make the little sister disappear.. i dont know.. and Edward.. is his last name Cullen because judging from the "ginger hair and hot body", he seems like my ex-boyfriend that i dumped due to him being a vampire so.. yeah. Good Luck!
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oh please do click this!
The sweeter the apple, the higher the branch. The quieter the fart, the nastier the smell.
GUESS WHO??
so im gonna comment too.. as the others have said your characters are kindda not realistic, but it has potential, just turn the drama down a notch because you are writing a short story, right? . i dont know. maybe.. make Alice a little bit not Mary Sue-ish, you know Strong Female lead that doesnt take shit, or make her mom more responsible, or make the little sister disappear.. i dont know.. and Edward.. is his last name Cullen because judging from the "ginger hair and hot body", he seems like my ex-boyfriend that i dumped due to him being a vampire so.. yeah. Good Luck!
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oh please do click this!
The sweeter the apple, the higher the branch. The quieter the fart, the nastier the smell.
GUESS WHO??
Member
9:05 pm, Dec 4 2021
Posts: 60
ALICE YOU CAN ALSO DATE EDWARD WHO I AM TO SAY HE IS CRAZY. YOU ARE ALSO MENTAL.
Member
7:08 am, Dec 25 2021
Posts: 60
I AM DONE WITH BOTH ASSHAT EDWARD AND ASSHAT DYLAN WITH OTHER NAMES IN JEW VERSE I AM NOW DATING MY BROTHER DEAD TWIN SEHUN WHO DOES NOT NEED TO GO TO A BROTHEL HOUSE TO BECOME A REAL MAN.
