-http://michlearie.deviantart.com/


Last edited by michlearie at 12:43 pm, May 27 2014

Just keep flipping.

The art. I'm sorry but is horrible. Proportions. Awkward poses. Lines arent clean. Flat colouring. These are things i cant stand in manga art.

And the summary. You pretty much spelt out the main story? And its too long. Summary. Entice. Dont spell out.

All the best.

To be honest - I'm pretty much into the artwork side of webcomics and Manhwa/Manga, that's why this wouldn't be my cup of tea. That personal preference aside, there is always room for improvement, when it comes to drawings or artworks in general and so here are some thoughts about it ...

* The backgrounds seem done without much care.
* The colorings and outlines are not clean, which isn't appealing & looks messy.
* As said before - There are no highlights (like shadows or contrasts) and this leads to a rather lifeless and unrealistic impression of the characters.
* The body builds are not too unbalanced, yet the edgy lining makes it stand out more and so it seems odd, too.

Everyone drawing knows, how much work it takes to get better and how frustrating it can be, if the style of a page doesn't come out as wished or something else won't work as planned. But - Most important is to stick with it and if so, then there will surely be development to be happy about. Fighting! Kkk. ^^

As for the storyline: I'm not too sure, what genre this is supposed to be and such stories hardly are appealing to me, still ... The summary should be shorter and maybe it will help to question all the twists and developments constantly to keep the setting straight. Like - Why do I need this side-character? What is it supposed to implicate within the story? Why is this happening, when already this has happened before? How helps this to get the ending wished for? And so on.

Just my 2 cents. Good luck.

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"It's like love is a bonus in your life. Even without it, I'm just fine. I don't feel like pointlessly searching for it. You don't have to make yourself unhappy." (Ookami Shoujo to Kuro Ouji)

"Why does it rain?" - "To create drama." (Drops (Andou Yuki))

Thanks so much for reading! I get so caught up in the details it gets hard to take a step back and see it from someone else's eyes, so it helps a ton to have another person read it before I think about moving forward.

As for my drawing it is nowhere NEAR where I want it to be but considering a few months ago all I could draw was a stick figure I feel like I'm making progress. I haven't started actually making panels and stuff because first I need to learn how to draw period haha

The thing I need to focus on is to SHOW, not tell. Also to keep it SIMPLE. I want to include so much info in the description to make it stand out that I just end up making a mess. I want to avoid the whole "Some teenager starts having weird things happen and he doesn't know why" cliche but at the heart of it that's kind of how all manga begins. It's a fine line to walk, but I think I need to reel it in a bit!

I finished tweaking the prose version of my first chapter and I'm feeling better about it. I might even just write this as a book while I learn to draw. Much more attainable right now. Check it out if you're interested.

http://fav.me/d6iwedr

Well, the art looks like it needs a lot of improvement, but if you're fairly new to this, it means there are good chances your skills will vastly improve if you have the will and motivation to work on it.

And yes, the summary should be shorter and just entice; to me the story seems okay - but really in the end it all depends on the execution.

Also, I wholeheartedly advise you to read Bakuman since you can find a lot of tips on writing/drawing manga in there. Seriously, I think you might find it useful and maybe even inspiring.

Best of luck!


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火の子

Also, I revisited one of the pics: http://fav.me/d6jehgs

Like anything else it's all a matter of patience.

Yep, this new version is much nicer.


________________
火の子

The revision of the picture of better than what it was before, however, art is a very important factor when it comes to manga. That's the difference between manga and a novel; visuals. Frankly, your art isn't on par with even your average manga. And I'm not too picky about the art as long as the plot is really interesting but, your plot lacks originality as well. Both show your experience or rather, lack there of.
The description, on the other hand, was okay but your summary contradicts everything you imply in the description.

For one thing, the summary is too compact with action and almost no transition in between. It sounds like a poor sci-fi movie. And other events just don't add up. Why did his parents kick him out? Was it because of his "abilities" or was he just acting the part of a nice person? Why draws him to the homeless people? Does he associate himself with them because he has nowhere else to turn? Because of the freedom of being homeless? The loneliness? Or perhaps, it makes him feel better about his own life? What is his motivation for continuing school? How is he paying for it? And why are his friends and family not a factor at all? Does he think about revenge on his parents? Is he isolated at school?

Also, you made him sound like saint in the beginning yet he doesn't hesitate to take the drug? Was out of peer pressure? Curiosity? Your character's mentality is a key factor in such a story. There no tension, no struggle that will impact the reader because you give no emphasis on his psychology. And the second part of your summary does not tie in with the beginning. Where is this immortal guardian coming from? Why now and what happened with the military and the drugs? Honestly, it sounds like you're trying to mesh two different stories together. Overall, it's an underdeveloped plot that tries to compensate originality with action. I'm not saying that it has to be a completely unique idea though, if executed well, the plot can be average and still have a large impact.

Take, for instance, Kami no Kodomo, it too has childish art but it's abstract and does not feel out of place. As for the plot, it's been thought of before but felt more unconventional which is why I gave it a high rating.

I know I can be quite harsh with my words, I'm told that quite often but if I were to give sweet words of praise, I wouldn't be honest to you or myself. Sometimes, we need to hear (or read in this case) the truth, even if it hurts.

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