banner_jpg
Username/Email: Password:
Forums

BL phobia

You must be registered to post!
From User
Message Body
Post #681743
user avatar
Member

4:38 pm, Jul 4 2016
Posts: 248


Probably not safe for anyone under 18 yo. For now I'm going to put all the unsafe stuffs on spoiler.

So, I'm a girl and mostly I'm sexually attracted to male. BL is a genre mostly designed to attract straight girls (like me) and yet whenever I saw fictional male x male pairing on any media (anime/manga/TV series/movies,etc), my heart ached. I don't think it's the same with homophobic because I'm perfectly fine with real life homosexual relationship and I have several gay friends I'm close with. With BL, I feel like my existence as a woman is unneeded by the gender I'm attracted to. The impression I get is how male x male relationship is always better than male x female relationship and there's nothing I can do since male and female are different after all, how there are things men possess but women don't and vice versa (that's why sometimes bromance pained me too). And sometimes I caught myself thinking about how attractive these bishounen charas and these KPOP stars are and of course nobody regardless of any gender could resist their charm (so dumb I know). I even did my research and found out that
Spoiler (mouse over to view)
male can feel pleasure with anal sex as a receiver so yeah what's holding anyone to go gay actually
. So there it is, I feel rejected and powerless and just doomed lol. To the point I have irrational fears for things that happen in BL to come true.
I don't really avoid all BL because I like to broaden my consumption area in order not miss any good stories. Then after I read some BL I went to read GL to calm my uneasiness (anyway Tamen De Gushi is soo cute and the art is soo nice everyone should read it). Sometimes I even found myself comparing BL romance with straight romance and convincing myself how BL romance isn't any better than straight romance lol. It's a straight out jealousy isn't it.

Okay, I'm gonna confess that yes, I had been rejected by gay guy once and I guess that one experience ignited the whole phobia thing. Before I had never had any insecurities toward my specifications as a woman, but at that one time I found out that maybe those are not enough and as long as I'm a woman I'll never be enough.
Then I begin to think that maybe this shows how I don't understand men at all. After all most BL are written by women with their fantasies to please other women fantasies, what would they know about men and what men need. Why would I feel insecure that about how attractive a male could be and how anyone would want to jump on them regardless any gender or any sexuality, since of course I found them irresistible because I'm a straight female and it's not like a straight male would find them as attractive just like I don't find a bombshell female body to be sexually attractive. If I think calmly I could just read shounen/seinen mangas to find out what most men actually desire and all. Yet even after all the effort to be rational I also begin to think that well maybe men would jump on anything cute and hairless after all there's this 'Trap' genre that seems to have a decent popularity among males. I have also been told that most gay male would feel reluctant to admit their homosexuality because it would deny their masculinity and it got me thinking, is that it? So male prefer other male after all, but only choose females to prove their masculinity? (another dumb conclusion I know, but just the mere thought of it gets me uneasy)

Sorry for the long rant (I seriously need to get this out) and thanks for reading. Anybody out there feels the same?


Last edited by bossmama at 4:52 pm, Jul 4

________________
DONDAKEE!!
Post #681744
Member

5:09 pm, Jul 4 2016
Posts: 85


First things first, I am an heterosexual male. Given the topic, I think this is a relevant information.

From your post I gathered that you are conscious of the fact your problem is a sort of complex, and that when you think about it calmly and rationally you see that's an unfounded fear. But we all have those little voices that urges us to go into panic mode, don't we...

Anyway given that, I doubt that any amount of rational argument could really help you, so I will try to use a very simple and silly but basically true reason not to fear that ephemeral pretty boys will steal the rest of us from you women, and that reason is:
Spoiler (mouse over to view)
BOOBS!!!!! Regardless of size, shape or anything else, all of us man like those two things.

And not even in the strange world of boys love man can provide that.

Silliness aside, you really should not worry about something like this, you even said:
Quote
The impression I get is how male x male relationship is always better than male x female relationship and there's nothing I can do since male and female are different after all

And yeah, male and females are different, and imho that's awesome! In order to form a whole you need to different and complimentary parts, not two identical parts.

Post #681745
user avatar
Mad With a Hat
Member

5:16 pm, Jul 4 2016
Posts: 4764


Um, how do I put this gently...
You, my dear, need to get your head out of your butt and maybe read about human sexuality.
As in, real humans. Not fictional characters.

First things first...
No, men aren't exclusively attracted to men because they fear it might make them appear less masculine. This is nonsense.
Some gay men date/marry women because they don't want to come out due to various reasons, but they were and are still gay while doing so. Meaning, not attracted to women.
You need to understand that homosexual people are attracted to the same sex just as straight people are attracted to the opposite sex.
There's no conscious thought that goes into it. It's much more primal than that.
And just because anal can feel good to a man, doesn't mean that man must be attracted to other men. Men can have anal with women, too, using fingers/toys.

Your question is why would any man date a woman. Well, there you have it.
Most people are exclusively attracted to the opposite gender.

Gay men will not want you because you're a woman.
Straight men will not lust after other men and are unlikely to suddenly become hungry for dick.

Bisexuality is a thing, and some people may develop feelings for the same sex later in life, but it's not something you should be worried about any more than a straight guy deciding to dump you for another woman. And it's not really all that common.

Now on to your BL inquiries:
Mainstream BL is indeed written for younger girls, where the "uke" acts as a substitute for a woman.
Why girls like it? Most say they enjoy the handsome men going at it.
But you seem to be unaware that there're so many other genres and varieties of man on man manga, that actually depicts men as men in gay relationships. And also bara, which is written for gay men mostly by men.


As a side note, your post kind of reminds me of a oneshot I've read today by Harada, called "Watashi-tachi ha “Byplayer".

________________
Hrodulf and Bjornolfr, you will not be forgotten.
User Posted Image
And if the world were black and white,
you would be my rainbow in shades of grey.


Click 'n Play!

If I had a fantasy self, it'd be a tentacle monster.
Post #681746
user avatar
2nd wave MU user
 Member

5:18 pm, Jul 4 2016
Posts: 7783


You're bit too bent on the whole gender role thing in my mind. Women and men aren't necessarily that different when it comes to sexuality, because males and females of the human species have very little sexual dimorphism.
Read this one yesterday and it has some good insight into why animals, so humans included
pair up. The core mechanic of infatuation and sex is lust which is built in in every living mechanism that tries to keep their genome going. If you're not gay, you're going to have a hard time trying to be one. The role of a homosexual human from what I've read from science papers, was to take care of the young even though they know that there is 0 chance of them being theirs. This led to less infant deaths either by infanticide, beasts, malnutrition, you name it and at the same time kept the attribute in the gene pool, as it was beneficial for us to have more adults per child than most animals and those those infants that grew into adults came from the packs the quirk of homosexuality. This behavior isn't very common in animals kingdom as many animals just try to combat the death toll by procreating a fuckton and therefore ensuring that some survive. Humans can't really do that, because raising just one is a huge burden, unlike birthing, say a rabbit. Some animals, like gorillas only have 1 male and many females in the pack, because the males tend to kill the young that aren't theirs, so they can becomes the boss and not make the females waste resources on children that aren't his. So, yeah, there's 0 chance that men would ever go fully gay voluntarily, because people are just animals.

Post #681748
user avatar
Member

6:56 pm, Jul 4 2016
Posts: 248


@Topomouse: lol okay, thank you, if it's those two I have them in perfect shape and size alright biggrin

@NightSwan: you know what, even though I've been telling myself the same thing, I do need someone to tell me those things so thank you. I've been on and off with my insecurities, like whenever I go out and socialize I realize how silly I was, and then I come home and encounter some BL (even in non-BL works) and the uneasiness just crept in. And yes actually the BLs (and GLs) I've read are the ones that portrayed homosexual relationship on a more realistic side, so nor girly uke or horny lesbians in there

Add: and yeah, I couldn't imagine my heterosexual male friends to be suddenly attracted to boys in any situation neither my gay friends to suddenly attracted to girls. Actually, the guy that rejected me said that I was somewhat similar to his crush (and I was much closer to him than he to his crush at the time) but he said he couldn't love me the way I loved him because I'm a woman. So yes I was especially irked with those BLs that had their protagonists love each other 'regardless their gender' because f*ck you gender matters after all. But I'm also not pleased with the ones that said how men are better than women either lol.

@Mamsmilk: scientific opinion that strengthen above comment, it's reassuring. About the article, that's another complex of mine, actually, since I do have some interest toward girls, like there are girls I want to kiss and cuddle with despite not having immediate physical attraction the way I have toward guys. I still identify myself as straight because I've never felt possessive toward girls the way I feel toward the guys. I play different 'roles' when it comes to girls and guys; with girls I tend to protect and adore them, but with guys I tend to seek some sort of companionship. I realized that someone can fulfill many kind of needs, and have different kind of needs, regardless their gender and sexuality. What I'm fearing is what if a 'male' that I need actually need another 'male' just like how it was portrayed in BL and had happened to me once, which is actually not as common as I fear them to be and I was just unlucky I guess. I think I seriously just need to date a guy right now lol.

Last edited by bossmama at 9:54 pm, Jul 4

________________
DONDAKEE!!
Post #681751
 Member

9:26 pm, Jul 4 2016
Posts: 137


Reading your last comet you might be homoromantic.... actually there's another word that that describes tendency or openness to be with the same sex but not have actual sexual relationship.
Also we women are by default more open to fluid sexuality, that's because we're secondary society wise, default being white, made, heterosexual < pressure under which men need to live, we women have a lot less pressure when it comes to sexuality so it's easier for us to admit what desires/fantasies we have and even act upon them compared to men.

As for the whole issue you wrote NightSwan and Mamsmilk said more or less everything that needs to be said.

You might want to ask yourself if reading GL calms you down for other reasons too. I can't read it, or at least not for long (I do enjoy it at times), that's mainly because I see to many outright disgusting expectations put on female protagonist that I don't identify with. At time it even makes me unforgettable because GL tends to normalize stereotypical image of how a woman suppose to act and function either in bed or society. While BL I perceive fully as fantasy (not to say I don't believe gays exist, just BL content is vastly different from gay comics and the sole purpose of BL is to fuel female fantasy) so if I'd need cheap (?) romance I'd always choose BL over GL.


Post #681753 - Reply to (#681743) by bossmama
user avatar
Member

10:52 pm, Jul 4 2016
Posts: 7


Hey @bossmama . Here are some facts that will ease your mind. Please read this calmly and realize that gay relationships will not and cannot hurt you.

Quote
With BL, I feel like my existence as a woman is unneeded by the gender I'm attracted to.


Assuming you live in America, about 4% of the population identify as LGBT. And maybe a a around 2% or less of that LGBT population are men. Around 96% of people are straight and cis. So we can assume that in real life, 48% of the whole entire population can possibly be attracted to you.

Quote
yeah what's holding anyone to go gay actually


What's holding people from "going gay" is that most people do not choose their sexual orientation. Think about how you are so sure of your heterosexuality. It is like that for almost all people.

Sure, your sexual orientation can be fluid and some people will experiment, but for the most part, most people who identify as straight will not suddenly become gay because (as you said before) anal sex may feel pleasurable. In fact, many heterosexual people
Spoiler (mouse over to view)
have anal sex with toys


As someone who is bisexual, I can tell you for sure that being in a straight relationship is much easier than being in a gay one because of homophobia and transphobia. You do not have to worry about these things at all so do not be jealous or fear gay relationships. They have never, nor will ever make your life harder. Gay relationships will not make it hard for you to find a straight man as a romantic partner.

Quote
Okay, I'm gonna confess that yes, I had been rejected by gay guy once and I guess that one experience ignited the whole phobia thing. Before I had never had any insecurities toward my specifications as a woman, but at that one time I found out that maybe those are not enough and as long as I'm a woman I'll never be enough.


I'm sorry this happened but it can't be helped. That is happened to you is quite rare. But in my opinion, isn't it better to be rejected by a gay person than a straight person for you, as a straight woman? With a gay person, they are simply not attracted to you. With a straight person, they are may not like you because of how you look or act or any other reason.

Quote
After all most BL are written by women with their fantasies to please other women fantasies, what would they know about men and what men need.


This is not entirely true. There are many LGBT manga written by LGBT people. You should seek those out instead.

Quote
If I think calmly I could just read shounen/seinen mangas to find out what most men actually desire and all.


Do not do this. You should seek experience from real life. You have created a false dichotomy between men and women. People are not that different from each other. Shounen manga is written by one author. All you are doing by learning about "what men like" from reading a shounen manga is learning what that one author likes. All men are different in what the like.

Quote
after all there's this 'Trap' genre that seems to have a decent popularity among males.


This really isn't as popular as you think it is. Trap is a fetish about trans people(MTF). You are cis and not trans so this is not relevant to you.

Quote
I have also been told that most gay male would feel reluctant to admit their homosexuality because it would deny their masculinity and it got me thinking, is that it? So male prefer other male after all, but only choose females to prove their masculinity? (another dumb conclusion I know, but just the mere thought of it gets me uneasy)


Actually, most LGBT people including myself, are reluctant to come out of the closet because of surrounding homophobia.

---
Anyways, I hope you read this and understand a little more about LGBT people. I really hope this is helpful to you. I'm glad you understand your fears are irrational because that's the first big step! Thanks for reading!




Post #681754 - Reply to (#681751) by Chibi-Chibi
user avatar
Member

11:14 pm, Jul 4 2016
Posts: 248


@Chibi-Chibi: sometimes I wonder about that, but I don't want to jump into conclusion. It could be maternal instinct or something, and there are bigger chances that I'm biromantic or else this whole thread would never happen. After all pursuing a homo relationship sounds more troublesome than a hetero one, although probably it is more fulfilling to realize, considering that I do prefer guys with feminine qualities than masculine ones. About how GL calms me... it's more like how sometimes there are no women in BL (certainly not in the characters' mind) as if their existence is denied that makes me uneasy, and seeing how men existence is denied in GL neutralized the uneasiness I guess. It's like how irrational fear towards monsters under the bed is defeated with irrational believe that an amulet could protect you from them. And since I don't have any biases towards GL, I can enjoy them peacefully, so when it comes to realistic portrayal of homosexual relationship (which I mostly seek) I prefer GL.

@cutejebby: ah, the thing is, I actually don't feel threatened/jealous/insecure at all when I'm with my gay friends. I fully realize that we have our own love lives and all. We don't even talk much about it, I think we both just knew it. The uneasiness only comes up when I encountered fictional male x male relationship, and realizing how irrational it is I'm trying to analyze the whys and hows. About the 'lets-read-shounen-to-find-out-about-men thing, I was thinking that well since my uneasiness comes from mere fantasies let hampered it with another fantasies haha. Because rather than the character, I was referring more about the author (male) fantasies toward female. Anyway, thanks for your insight ~


Last edited by lambchopsil at 1:22 am, Jul 5

________________
DONDAKEE!!
You must be registered to post!