It's all fate's fault

On Monday I woke up feeling very happy as usual. I opened the light blue curtains that hung from my window and looked up at the sunny sky. I just felt it, today was going to be a great day. I left my apartment with a piece of toast in my mouth since I couldn’t finish breakfast because I would be late for school. My school is very strict when it comes to being late and it results in after school detention, which is not on my fun list. My best friend Dylan was waiting for me outside the building, he was smiling. We have been friends since we were born for 16 years. We were born only a few days apart and it feels nice to share a birthday month with someone dear to me. People that don’t know us think that we’re a very close couple but they’re mistaken. We could never be a couple since we don’t like each other that way and being best friends is much better for us. It’s also better because we wouldn’t have problems like couples do. Besides he would never like me, he always tells me that he likes Alison, my best girl friend. I waved to him and he suddenly came up close to me and wiped crumbs of bread off my face.

“You know Alice sometimes you remind me of a pig the way you eat.”

I punched him teasingly.

“What are you saying you idiot? I’m not a pig! I just had no time to eat properly this morning.”

He smiled cutely.

“That’s what you say every morning!”

He laughed. I hugged him from behind and grabbed onto his body. I was hanging onto him like a monkey hanging onto a tree. That was my sweet revenge for him teasing me. He started pulling me off of him, he was very annoyed but for some reason he seemed like he didn’t really mind it. What could I call that, good annoyed?

“Alice! Get off of me will you! You’re heavy! Lose some weight before you hang onto people! I bet Alison is so much thinner than you even though you look about the same weight. Haha!”

He probably didn’t mean what he said, that was probably just his teasing revenge for my annoying him but when I heard him talking about Alison being better than me I quickly got off of him and left with my head bowed down for school, him staring at me blankly behind me. He ran towards me.

“Hey Alice wait for me! Are we taking the bus today as well? Why can’t we take a taxi? We’ve been taking the bus for almost 2 weeks now. It’s annoying since I have to get up at 6 in the morning so we wouldn’t be late for school. You know my parents can’t drive us to school now since they’re in a sort of a fight.”

Dylan, always blunt no matter what he’s saying. I stopped in my tracks and I figured I could tell him since I’ve been hiding it from him for a while now and I feel like he should know. He always tells me all his secrets including his everyday routine of telling me how he likes Alison. My back was turned towards him since I was embarrassed.

“You know the guy from our class with all the top grades. Well I think I like him. He takes the bus to school every morning and we take the same bus since he lives quite near me. This will sound weird but I think I’m obsessed with his looks and I just want to be in the same bus as him and just to stare at him all day.”

Dylan lowered his head and I wasn’t able to make out what kind of a face he was making since his blonde bangs covered it. I don’t think it was a happy face.

“Good for you Alice. I think I’m going to take a taxi since I don’t want to be late for school. You go take the bus to admire your crush. You don’t have to come with me. Well then, I’ll see you later.”

He left the other way opposite of the bus station as if he was trying to avoid me. He could have kept me company until the bus station and called a taxi from there since it is the way to school. I don’t realise what I did wrong. For that whole day he ignored me in school. He avoided my eyes and when I talked to him in school he said that he was busy. After school when I wanted to ask him to go home in a taxi with me, I was about to approach him outside of the school when I saw him and a girl talking in front of the school gates. They looked like they were talking about something fun. The girl was my best friend Alison. She smiled and hugged him, then he kissed her, there, in front of my misty eyes.

It is Tuesday morning, about 3 am. For some reason I can’t sleep. All I’m thinking about is Dylan kissing Alison. I’m not mad at Alison. I always supported her liking Dylan. She’s a very nice girl. She told me that she would eventually confess to Dylan and that she hoped that he would like her back. I’m glad that her wish came true but I can’t help but feel weird about this. It’s as if I’m mad at Dylan for some reason, but why? Also why did he ignore me the whole day? I didn’t do anything wrong to him. I should get some sleep since tomorrow we have a math test.

Something hit my window with a loud bang. I woke up quickly and looked out of the window. Someone was standing under my window waving at me. The person showed me to open the window. I could make out blonde hair in the dim early morning light and a green backpack. That was certainly Dylan. What was he doing here at, looking at my alarm clock I realised it was 4 am. I only slept for one hour, great. I opened the window and told him that I would be down in front of my building in 5 minutes. When I came down I punched him in the arm.

“What are you doing here you idiot? Do you realise that it’s 4 am and that today we have school? How am I supposed to go to school without any sleep? I’m going to faint during the math test. You know I have trouble with math. What do you want?”

He looked like a sad puppy. It had got to be something about Alison. It wasn’t like I never woke him up at his house in the early morning. We woke each other up like he woke me up at least once a week. It was just something we did. That’s why we were best friends. We would comfort each other when we had problems and that’s mostly the reason why we woke each other up this way, we liked sitting alone in the local park and talking with no people to each other. Also we were both night people. Talking about our problems during the day was just not fun and kind of boring.

He suddenly hugged me tightly and told me his story while hugging me. I felt like blushing.

“You saw us today, me and Allison kissing right? I thought that that would make us a couple but it didn’t. When I asked her when she was free during the week to go on a date she said that I had no experience in dating because I never had a girlfriend and that she’s going to have to see if she really wants me as a boyfriend even though she likes me. Then she started sobbing and mumbling how I don’t know how to kiss and that she thought that I was cool but that she was mistaken that I had many girlfriends because I’m handsome and that in fact I’m a beginner and that she hates beginners. She says she wants an experienced man as a boyfriend and not a little boy. She says that she figured that I’m a beginner since I don’t know how to kiss. Then she ran off somewhere still sobbing. Alice what do I do? I think I love Alison, but how am I supposed to prove to her that I’m not a loser? I have an idea, but it might require your help. Also sorry that I ignored you today. I don’t know why I did that. I just felt so annoyed and miserable when you told me that you like the guy with the top grades. So Alice will you listen to my idea? Will you go on an imaginary date with me, of course with Alison seeing us being on a date. I’m thinking that after she sees me with another girl that she’ll reconsider her words and want to date me.”

I love you Dylan. I want to stay in this hug forever. I can’t though since it belongs to someone else. I’ll help him because I want to see him happy and if being with Alison makes him happy then I’ll support them as a couple. I just realised today in front of my building at 4 am that I love my best friend and that I always have. It took the horrible feeling of jealousy to make me realise it, but I’m thankful. I stepped away from his gentle warm hug and nodded.

“Of course I’ll help you. You helped me with so many things that I never thanked you properly for so this is my way of paying you back.”

He smiled radiantly and took something out of his backpack. It was a fluffy white plush bunny. He gave it to me.

“I knew you would say yes since you’re so nice. I didn’t want you to do this without you getting something from it in return so I bought you this yesterday after school. I know you love bunnies and thanks for helping me. Let’s meet tomorrow a bit after school at like 6 pm at the amusement park. Alison will be taking her little sister there and she’ll definitely see us. I heard her talking to you about how her sister was nagging her for them to go so that’s how I know. See you there!”

He smiled again and waved at me. Then he started running towards his house, which was a few streets away from mine. My eyes went misty again.

After school on Wednesday I started getting ready for our imaginary date. When I was done I headed out of the house with a piece of chicken nugget in my mouth. Never having time to finish eating was something usual for me since I was always late for something when it was time to eat. When I arrived at the amusement park Dylan was standing there looking very handsome. But he had that sad puppy look on his face again. Why does Alison keep hurting him? If it were me he liked, I would never hurt him. I shouted his name and waved. He smiled radiantly all at once changing moods and waved back. I punched him in the arm.

“Why were you sad a minute ago you idiot? I’m here right! With me you’ll be able to make Alison realise that you’re not a loser and that she can date you right?”

He didn’t seem sad again when I mentioned that. He just beamed.

“Why would I be sad when my idiot sunshine Alice is here? You always make me laugh and cheer me up with your happy mood. Anyway I was sad because Alison isn’t coming. Her sister came with their mother and I asked them where was Alison and their mother said that after school she seemed to have a fever so they made her stay home and she took the sister instead. So even though we won’t accomplish anything today let’s still go on an imaginary date since we already came here. What do you say? We always have fun in the city don’t we?”

After those words we decided to go to a café instead of the amusement park since we didn’t feel like riding anything. I ordered water whereas he ordered a coke. He stared at my water and smirked.

“Why are you drinking water? Don’t you usually drink coke like me? Come on Alice I know you. When you drink water you’re usually on a diet. Why? You seem fine.”

How was I supposed to tell him that the reason I was drinking water was because of his comment about my weight and Alison being thinner than me? Ever since I had realised that I like him I have been self conscious about my appearance and his comments about it. Obviously if it was still the old me I would have known that they were just jokes. But now everything he said seemed important. I blushed and stared into his gorgeous blue eyes, which I thought were grey before.

“I just felt like drinking water, that’s all.”

He stared back at me and we seemed to be staring at each other for a while before we realised that it was awkward. We both lowered our heads and stared at the floor. He then lifted his blonde head up and smiled.

“You know Alice, I just realise now what pretty eyes you have. I always thought that they were brown or something but now I see that they’re actually green. I wonder what made me realise that. Weird huh?”

I blushed as red as the ketchup bottle in front of me. He never gave me a compliment of this kind and it did feel weird him giving me this kind of a compliment just as he said. I struggled to say something back.

“I…think…that…you…have…pretty eyes…as well. I always thought that they were grey…but now I realise that they’re actually blue. Thank you for the sweet compliment. Weird me noticing this about you as well huh?”

Dylan clasped his hands on the table and looked at me.

“Say Alice isn’t it weird now that I think about it us acting like this around each other? We never act awkward around each other. We’re always relaxed and laughing. What’s wrong with us? For example I always knew that we had the same hair color but I never realised that yours was lighter and cooler than mine in color. It’s like a cold ice blonde. I think it’s really pretty. What am I saying? I only notice these things about Alison. Alice what’s wrong with me?”

I wanted to take this chance and confess. Maybe like me he realised that he liked me. I would be so happy if he accepted my confession. I don’t care about him and Alison anymore since she rejected him. I stood up and flushed with red color I looked into his eyes ready to say it.

“Dylan, I like you. I just realised that yesterday when you hugged me. What made me realise it was the fact that you kissed Alison in front of my eyes and I felt jealous. I wanted to be the girl you were kissing. I wanted to be the girl you were hugging there in front of my eyes. I felt like crying. Say Dylan, do you like me?”

Dylan stared at me shocked. He slowly opened his mouth to say something but he couldn’t. Then he seemed to gather some courage.

“Alice, I don’t know what to say. I do like you but not in that way. My behaviour now might have made you think that I like you but honestly I don’t. This situation just made me act weird that’s all. I don’t want to talk to you for a while because I need some space to think this over. I’m sorry Alice I didn’t know this was going to happen. Please let me leave now.”

I knew it. I knew it was impossible for you like to me. You like Alison. She has the pretty long black hair and big dark eyes. I don’t have that so why would you like me? You always liked her ever since I can remember. Since elementary school you would tell me about her looks and what she did that day. You always admired her. She’s the smart one. I’m stupid. I can’t do anything properly. I’m barely passing math. She’s the one with all the good grades. I’m lazy. She’s the hardworking one. I’m irresponsible and she’s responsible. I’m the sun and she’s the moon. You prefer the moon, I understand. The moon is much prettier than the sun and not as annoying and blinding when it shines in your eyes. It makes you want to stare at it. It’s calming and there are stars around it that look like they’re admiring its shine. The sun has stars around it realistically but we humans see no stars around it. That’s how you see me. What I mean is that you don’t see me at all. Just like there is nothing around the sun. I had enough of his idiocy. It hurt a lot what he said. I should have never confessed to him. I took my small black bag throwing out money from it for both our drinks and left the café in a hurry. He called my name but I didn’t return.

“Alice wait!”

I ran after her but she hit me with her bag. She stopped a taxi and quickly got in, escaping there in front of my eyes. When I got home I tried calling her but she didn’t answer. After the fourth try her phone was off. It really hurt me what she said because I don’t know if I like her or not. I flopped on my bed and stared at the ceiling. I mean she’s my best friend. Also I like Alison right? My blonde girl with her silly attitude couldn’t be my crush could she? What does it even mean to like someone? Have I only admired Alison this whole while and liked Alice? Am I like Alice? Did it take her confessing her feelings to me to make me realise that I like her just as her jealousy over me and Alison made her realise that she likes me? I guess it’s just that simple. There’s a theory that childhood friends eventually realise that they love each other. I guess we’re a part of it. But what if we become a couple and then have problems and break up? We could never be best friends again if that happens. That would mean separating from each other. I can’t have Alice as my girlfriend. It would hurt me too much if we broke up. We can’t stay friends either since I love her too much for that now. I guess we’ll have to separate without anything happening right? God why did you make us best friends? That made me love her even more. Why couldn’t we just be strangers?

“Alice there’s a phone call for you. It’s Alison. Here you go.”

“Thanks Mom.”

“Hi Alison! What’s up?”

Alison had excitement in her voice.

“Oh my god Alice you won’t believe what just happened! The dude you like with the top grades has won an award in a teen magazine for the best descriptive essay. But what the best part is, is that the essay is about you! I have the magazine right here and I’m going to bring it to you right now so you see the essay. He talks about how you’re beautiful and how you have this radiant personality that he adores. It’s just insane how much he loves you. At least that’s what I think based on this essay. I’m hanging up now, wait for me there! Don’t go anywhere!”

Alison came over and we both read the essay together a million times and laughed. I realised that maybe I should give my former crush a chance since I realised that I would never be able to date Dylan. He belongs to Alison. So I asked Alison if she had his phone number and she did because she’s very popular in school so she has everyone’s numbers. I called him and told him that it was so sweet of him to write these things about me and he said thank you. He asked me if I wanted to date him and I said yes. I realised that eventually while dating him I would start liking him. The next day in school Dylan ignored me and I ignored him. I for the reason that I couldn’t be friends with him anymore due to me liking him and he for the same reason. He couldn’t be friends with someone who thought of him that way. It would be awkward, he told me. On Wednesday at the café we separated our ways, even though it hurt, I’ll never forget my best friend. I might always love him a little bit though. I sleep with the plush bunny he gave me. God why didn’t you make us strangers, then it wouldn’t hurt this much?

I wasn’t friends with Alice anymore. I told her that we couldn’t be friends because it would be awkward with her liking me but that was just a lie. I love her too much to be just friends with her. But if we were a couple we would break up in no time. That’s because we were not fated to be a couple. I was fated to be with Alison and Alice was fated to be with the guy with the top grades. We were fated to be best friends, just that. But our feelings ruined that fate and ruined our relationship. Alison realised that she acted mean towards me and decided to date me even though I wasn’t up to her standards. She will eventually get used to me. She’s just snobby that’s all. I sometimes think that when I see Alice with her boyfriend at school that I want to beat her boyfriend up and make her mine. But I know that that can’t happen because it wasn’t meant to. Us being a couple would almost be like siblings being a couple. That’s how well we got along. I know that no matter who I date I will always love Alice a little bit because this strong emotion will never fade away. Our memories together still exist within me with a past fate that was ruined.

Thank you if you comment on it! ^-^
I kinda suck since I'm a beginner and I'm not quite good at writing stories. Also this is for my English class, I'm not planning on being a writer or anything. I would fail as one. XD

Now it looks too much like a shoujo, and this makes it impossible for me to like your story. But...

- Take out the Sun and Moon bit. Your poetry is like the Sun to me. When I look at it directly.

- Wasn't he rejected by Alison? The rant in the end makes it look like he is dating Alison.

- Dylan is as wimp, this is not typical shoujo(as far as I know). One + for being original . Ten - for being bad. Wimps are okay for adventures, but in a Romance, at least one of the character needs be tough. And here both are wimps. This brings another issue:

- The characters are not likeable. I can't symphatize with wimps. Every person has moments of weakness and vulnerable spots, but being totally weak is bad.

- You are trying again to condensate a big story into a few lines. A shoujo however bad it is needs some chapters.

- Simple stories open space to something really lacking here, Description. How is Alice's house? The bus? The street? The school? Any feeling about it all? This is a great way to show a characters personality.

- Something to guide you. Short and not bad.

I fixed my signature now ^-^
Thanks for telling me to fix it
I really appreciate your advice ^-^
I think I'm going to add some more description in it and take out the sun and moon bit and put something else in instead.
Also Dylan was rejected by Alison in the beginning but he mentioned at the end that she decided to date him because she was mean to him.
Also thank you for taking the time to read my stupid story. I'm really bad at writing stories and I never really did it for killing time, I just do it when we have to like write a story for homework or something.
This is my first attempt at being creative and I failed as I see it
I tried to make objects simple so that people could imagine them how they wanted them to look like but I guess it needs at least a little description.
When I think about it your advice really helped and I think it's going to make my story much better.
Thank you so much T^T

*gives you huge thank you cake*

My dear, you should see the first bits of writing I ever attempted. They were bad with no way of improving. That said, reading higher level short stories and trying out each authors' technique really helped me. Character development is hard, especially with multiple characters in a short amount of space. Love stories are especially hard, especially if you've never been in love. As a beginner writer, I'd say stick with what you know, from your experiences. From what I've read, you don't seem to have much experience in love. The emotions of your male characters don't have much-depth. They remind me of when I was younger and I'd pretend the guy I liked had a secret pining for me. Which is not unrealistic, just that most of the guys I know who get involved in love triangles what have you are not quite like that.
Reading this short story changed my writing forever (especially if the person reading it to you has a lovely, dynamic voice)

.......Change this too. Dating someone out of pity when the other person knows you are only dating him out of pity doesn't seem very real. Furthermore, Dylan should be dissapointed with Alison, a girl who uses being experienced or not as a way to judge guys is ridiculous... and obviously doesn't love him.

Another suggestion(if you have the patience/will/motivation to write again)

You could try writing a story where "you" are the main character. Not necessarily YOU but someone with the same inclinations and who lives in a house and city alike yours. This way, you won't need to create a personality from the scratch and you won't have to imagine a whole place, just change things a bit to make them more interesting.
There will be one more difference though, this another you will be bolder. A girl who can confess to whoever she loves, the history can cover the girl from the moment she decides to confess to the moments after the confession, telling what she learnt from it, be the answer yes or no.
Ideas:

- She may make a plan to confess, something crazy if you want a lighter story or something more real if you want the story to be serious.

- She may have a friend who helps her, or an enemy to make things difficult. Or both, but as you are trying to keep the story simple, less characters will make it easier, also, you don't seem to be a bad person nor someone with experience with them, so I don't think you can make a proper evil character.

you need more character development (more fluidity as well)
write it so you can feel the characters emotions as they go through "such and such" process
The relationship with Dylan and Alice is confusing as well, basically he loves her too much but doesn't want to date her because they would eventually break-up (how does he know that? he doesn't have a legit excuse why). It's also a weird excuse to not to go out with her.

so does he love her as a sister or not? if it's not sibling type love, take out "Us being a couple would almost be like siblings being a couple" <--are you relating to the closeness they are (then change the sent.) or the strange incestuous feeling he will get when dating her.

"I will always love Alice a little bit because this strong emotion will never fade away." <-- take out the "little bit" part, that part makes his love for her half-hearted. It's like saying "I kind of love you" instead of "I do love you"


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I hear you say "Why?" Always "Why?" You see things; and you say "Why?" But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?"

What is with everyone using my name? I have yet to meet another person in real life named Alice.

As for your story, you need description! Decribe what happens! The cliche but very important saying "SHOW NOT TELL" is very true. Good writers like J.R. Rowling and Edgar Allan Poe show what happens in there stories. A forewarning- There is such thing as too much description. (something that happens to me a lot) Try not to worry about it because if this is for grades as you said it was, then the teachers will love that.

You need to work on character development as well. They are very 2 dimensional. Give them motivation, background, history, what do they like, what makes them different? The same? I don't want YOU to tell me what Dylan feels I want DYLAN to show me with his ACTIONS.

Write what you know is another important tip. How much do you know about love? If you've never fallen in love you can't really write about it. If you are an experienced writer then you can write from a different perspective or about something you know alot about but never experienced, but if your new, stick to what you know.

I fancy myself a writer so here are some tips that get me in the writing mood.

-Write on paper. When I type on the computer I feel that my thoughts are confined to the screen while when I write on paper they sky's the limit!

-If you want a certain mood in your story, listen to some music that corresponds to the mood you want.

-Don't worry about grammar, spelling or punctuation until your story is done. You can edit later.

-Have a basic plot line. It could be an advanced timeline or jot notes of what you want. Just know what's going to happen later.

-Once you have finished writing it, read it OUTLOUD. You might feel a little stupid doing it but it allows you to hear the grammatical errors in the story, find what sentenses doesn't make sense and to catch run on sentenses.

This story is a bit immature in a number of different respects, and honestly I don't think this plot is going to resonate with the reader very much no matter how you change it, so I'm just going to talk about mechanics a bit here. After all, craft doesn't necessarily require insight, and can always be improved.

Some things to think about:
-Look at every single adverb in the story and ask yourself, 'is this absolutely necessary?' A lot of times a phrase is just a stronger image without it. This tends to be a very common beginner mistake, and it hurts a number of your passages here.
-Contrary to a previous point, do worry about punctuation. There are a number of situations where a comma being replaced by a dash or a semicolon can make a story much more readable and enjoyable. Don't be afraid to think while you write.
-You have a number of redundant lines. Phrases like "He suddenly hugged me tightly and told me his story while hugging me" include far too many unnecessary words. Extra words distract the reader and hurt the scene. Even cutting out the last three words there would help the sentence immensely. Reread the piece with that in mind.
-Lastly, tighten the imagery. Your prose contains a fair number of, if not clever, perfectly adequate metaphors and similes. If you place them too close together, they will compete and ultimately lose some impact.

As a writer I've mostly learned from the likes of Borges and Calvino over the years (with some Japanese talent thrown in), but in your case I think mulling over some Raymond Carver would do a world of good. He doesn't describe something unless it absolutely needs to be described. The characters speak in believable ways, and there aren't many overly stylized tricks or overwrought metaphors. It's stark and simple, and simple is what you need to learn to be.

As others have said, do keep writing, but take criticisms to heart. This may just be my own masochistic tendencies as a writer speaking, but harsh criticism is going to help you far more in the long run than praise ever will.

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Reviews of my Work:
You are kind of boring - Blackorion
Congratulations! Ur an asshole! - tokyo_homi
Your awesome!!! - Cherelle_Ashley
NightSwan also said that she wanted to peg me, once, but I'm not sure whether to take that as a compliment or a threat...

So I decided to change the sad ending. Even though their fate was to date other people I think Alice and Dylan can finally be together in their mid 20s. How it happens is Alice is in London and Dylan decides to visit her to get her back because he cannot live without her. How he found that out is because she became a model/actress and he finally noticed her.

But she can also date others before all this happens Alice.

Alice meets in person a lovely person who will adore her and help her move into his place and she also becomes a model/actress in the meantime.