Today in English class the teacher told us to choose one of the topics for a creative essay and I chose the original short story one.

I wanna share my idea for my original short story here since I'm kinda bored and I want people's opinions on it. I really like my idea even though it's kinda stupid. But I feel like it's missing something and I want people to give me ideas. You can give me any ideas, for new characters or just to add something random in the story, really anything.

So here's my story idea so far:
It's called a week is all it takes.

So basically it's divided into each day of the week and what happens during that day of a 16 year old girl called Alice's life.

The characters in the story are:
Alice-16 years old, positive about everything, very nice, long blonde hair and blue eyes, inherited her good looks from her famous actress mother

Alison-10 years old, Alice's younger sister, very long blonde hair and green eyes, always wears pigtails, innocent and sweet, also positive like Alice, also inherited her good looks from her mother

Edward-16 years old, Alice's childhood friend, ginger messy hair and grey eyes, very handsome, hot body, likes Alice but she doesn't know it, has been ignoring her for some reason in school, and joined all the same classes she did which Alice doesn't understand why but she thinks it's because they're childhood friends and they have the same interests

Mom-Alice's and Alison's mother, carefree and nice but now has become weak due to her alcohol problem, spent all the family's money on having fun, they have to watch now how they spend anything, is a famous actress, is dating someone unknown at the moment, cries if you tell her off about her alcohol problem or her money problem

That guy-Mom's boyfriend, nice guy, later becomes freaky

And so basically here's how my story goes:
Monday
-Happy family
-Alice and Edward become a couple
-Mom goes out at night
-Comes back with a surprise telling her girls that she's engaged to her boyfriend

Tuesday
-Daughters happy for their mum
-They celebrate by going to dinner with their mom and her boyfriend.

Wednesday
-They move into the guy's house.
-Edward and Alice go on a date.

Thursday
-Alice accidentally breaks an expensive vase which her sister broke on purpose but pretended like it was an accident and Alice feeling sorry for her poor innocent sister takes the blame which Alison knew she would do. Her sister is actually not innocent and cute but kinda evil. She hates Alice because she's prettier than her. But in front of Alice she acts all sweet and stuff like she loves her very much.
-The guy hits her.
-Alice tells Edward that the guy hit her.
-Edward because he's deeply in love with Alice becomes very mad at the guy.

Friday
-At night the guy is mysteriously killed by someone.
-The family has to move out due to them not owning the house.
-Mom goes to live with her poor sister because she sold her house.
-The girls go to an orphanage because Mom doesn't have enough money to take care of them and neither does her sister.

Saturday
-Since Alison is in love with Edward she lies to him how Alice told Mom very mean things and that's why Mom left them because she's not capable of hearing mean things since she's mentally unstable due to alcohol. She wants Edward after hearing this to break up with Alice but Edward figures out that Alison is lying because he knows that Alice is nice and not like that so he asks Alison what else is she gonna lie to him about. Alison then very angry and since she's still a kid tells him how she she broke the vase on purpose and that Alice took the blame for it. She tells him that he shouldn't date such a pathetic person who takes the blame for everything and that he should love her. Edward becomes mad at Alison.

-Alice is doing her homework in the orphanage living room when her mobile rings and when she answers it the police tell her that her sister was stabbed to death. Also that her mother upon hearing that from them ended up in hospital due to guilt for leaving them alone in the orphanage and shock.

-Alice goes to sleep crying madly.

Sunday
-Alice's wonderful personality twists and she becomes weird and depressed.

-Alice goes out late at night for a walk in the park and falls asleep on a bench because she had a sleepless night due to crying. When she wakes up she sees Edward next to her stroking her head. He tells her that he's sorry and that he did it all because he loves her. She asks him what did he do? and he says that he killed her mother's boyfriend and sister because they were evil to his precious Alice. Alice screams and calls him a freak. She's scared of him and tries to run away but when she's on the street there's a van coming and it's about to hit her when Edward jumps in front of her and gets hit instead. Alice screams and tries to wake him up and he tells her that he will always love her. He says that he went crazy for her and that he loves her to the point of obsession. He says that maybe that's why he was so protective of her. Then he stops breathing.

-Alice is back at her mother's hospital and she takes her home since they checked her out. Her mother apologizes to her and Alice says that it's ok. She promises to her Mom to take care of her and never let anything sad phase her again to lose things important to her. Edward was the only she cared about. And he was the only one who cared about her.

I feel like something's missing at the ending...any ideas what it might be?

Also thank you if you comment on this story or give me an idea. I really appreciate it! ^-^

I think the ending would benefit with the addition of an epilogue detailing the rejuvenation of Edward into one of the undead. But instead of being aggressive, he is a cowardly undead, he simply stalks her and protects her like a guardian angel, killing any guy in the future who shows her any affection.

creative essay

reads ideas

How about being...iunno... creative?

Quote from Binturong

I think the ending would benefit with the addition of an epilogue detailing the rejuvenation of Edward into one of the undead. But instead of being aggressive, he is a cowardly undead, he simply stalks her and protects her like a guardian angel, killing any guy in the future who shows her any affection.

That sounds like an awesome idea! 😀

Thank you so much! 😀

gives you huge cookie

I think I'm gonna make Edward a ghost and make him just follow her around in life. I'm also gonna put like how Alice feels him watching her so she cause he caused her so much pain and even though she loves him will date many guys to make him jealous since she knows he's watching her. ^-^

Quote from kaerfehtdeelb

creative essay

reads ideas

How about being...iunno... creative?

Yeah I know it's like really bad my idea. I'm not a very creative person and it took me a while to think of this but thanks for your advice 😀 . I'm gonna totally try and be more creative ^-^ gives huge cookie

Quote from emziepiex3

Quote from Binturong

I think the ending would benefit with the addition of an epilogue detailing the rejuvenation of Edward into one of the undead. But instead of being aggressive, he is a cowardly undead, he simply stalks her and protects her like a guardian angel, killing any guy in the future who shows her any affection.

That sounds like an awesome idea! 😀

Thank you so much! 😀

gives you huge cookie

I think I'm gonna make Edward a ghost and make him just follow her around in life. I'm also gonna put like how Alice feels him watching her so she cause he caused her so much pain and even though she loves him will date many guys to make him jealous since she knows he's watching her. ^-^

[img]http://i196.photobucket.com/albums/aa229/azrinirza/ae97a690.gif[/img]

[img]http://i196.photobucket.com/albums/aa229/azrinirza/makotoshinkai1_zpse3901c5a.gif[/img]
Everyday I'm tumblin'

I think Edward should possess Alice's mom and
try to murder Alice so they can be together forever.
Even better if there's cannibalism in it.
Also, Alison will die because Edward fails to possess her
before possessing the mother.
Her mother starts to have severe skin problems
and constantly scratches herself and pierces her
itching skin with sharp objects.

Drop your act, you can't deceive me, Terry Goodkind!

Edit:

Now seriously(I felt sorry for you because you are too naive) ->

Let's start with....Your plot is an abomination(a mix of Twilight, Vampire Academy and The Sword of Truth)

The whys:
You have a big plot ideia and are trying to condensate it into a few days. A short story plot must be simple, read books for children and you will notice it.
You are not mentally capable of writing a dark story. No, I'm not saying you are dumb, you are just not the kind of person who writes a dark story... You are probably a happy high school girl(at most) who reads shoujo, you should write love stories.
The guy is called Edward.
The protagonist's sister is a ridiculous character in many ways, but I guess this is part of the dark mentality thing.
No parties on friday.

what wait

so alice is this beautiful girl that was born from alcohol-abusing mom and have a sinister sister
and her boyfriend is a obsessed psychotic murderer that murdered her sister and her step-dad
and she still chooses to love him

is this a case of Stockholm syndrome?

ps. where does she live that she ended up in orphanage because her mom can't take care of her. certainly not in America in 20th century. first of all there isn't many orphanages out there, they're replaced with foster homes. and if her mom is so poor that she can't feed her own daughter (which makes no sense since she must've had some money leftover from selling her house, not to mention that her husband died, so she should've got inheritance) there are programs out there that helps children (under 18) in poor home. basically, government give u money! (but of course, is her mom abused her kids in her alcoholic condition, then social workers will take the children away to foster home)

Quote from Klapzi

Drop your act, you can't deceive me, Terry Goodkind!

That was very well done, sir. Bravo.

It's a high school English story (or at least I hope it's a high school class... but then again), it doesn't need to actually be good. No one expects it to be, especially the teacher.

What does need to be done here, is to scale things way, way back. You cannot accomplish this in under 5,000 words and expect any sort of emotional response. I'm not going to say that I think it's a good concept, because I don't (the thread is pretty conclusive on this point), but there are some bare bones points that are salvageable and the degree of detail shouldn't be totally ignored.

The diary/ day-by-day timeframe concept works, especially for high school pieces. It lets you accomplish things in about five pages with a page or so on each day. But just omit all the extra stuff, write a minor love story or even just chart a mildly eventful week. You're being too ambitious, I suspect your actual assignment is for something like a three page paper to begin with anyway, and that's barely 1500 words double spaced (and even that depends on who you ask). 1500 words is nothing, literally nothing, so if you're doing a story in that space make it short and sweet. You're not writing a novel.

[img]http://i604.photobucket.com/albums/tt122/Wthuh/CrenshiSig.jpg[/img]
Reviews of my Work:
You are kind of boring - Blackorion
Congratulations! Ur an asshole! - tokyo_homi
**Your awesome!!! **- Cherelle_Ashley
NightSwan also said that she wanted to peg me, once, but I'm not sure whether to take that as a compliment or a threat...

darling dear,
As a screenwriting major in college all I have to say is when one begins, simplicity is always the best. Rather to develop certain aspects so well that it's truly believable and moving , such as characters or the final twist is preferred than trying to squeeze all your grandiose ideas into a short story .
Someone concerned for the future youth

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.

Oscar Wilde

Quote from Crenshinibon

Quote from Klapzi

Drop your act, you can't deceive me, Terry Goodkind!

That was very well done, sir. Bravo.

It's a high school English story (or at least I hope it's a high school class... but then again), it doesn't need to actually be good. No one expects it to be, especially the teacher.

What does need to be done here, is to scale things way, way back. You cannot accomplish this in under 5,000 words and expect any sort of emotional response. I'm not going to say that I think it's a good concept, because I don't (the thread is pretty conclusive on this point), but there are some bare bones points that are salvageable and the degree of detail shouldn't be totally ignored.

The diary/ day-by-day timeframe concept works, especially for high school pieces. It lets you accomplish things in about five pages with a page or so on each day. But just omit all the extra stuff, write a minor love story or even just chart a mildly eventful week. You're being too ambitious, I suspect your actual assignment is for something like a three page paper to begin with anyway, and that's barely 1500 words double spaced (and even that depends on who you ask). 1500 words is nothing, literally nothing, so if you're doing a story in that space make it short and sweet. You're not writing a novel.

well I dunno about ur teacher, but when i had to write our story in middleschool (not even highschool) the teacher gave "review" on how horrible some plots were. one student wrote a family on vacation on a tropical island, and 3 people were murdered one by one. and when the 3rd person was murdered, the family decided that the island was dangerous. the teacher criticized that this is too unreal. She also commented on how some of the story have unreasonable and unnecessary death and did deduct mark for it. (i wrote about a girl in a girl gang that killed another girl in a gang fight and was having moral contemplation, so my heart skipped a jump when the teacher said she's deducting mark for illogical plot such as unnecessary and random death, but she told me my plot was fine)

ps. i was originally planning to write a story about a girl with multiple personality disorder with identity issue that ends in a suicide, but my teacher rejected the first draft saying it's too complex. I don't get why. It seems like a logical plot

[img]http://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/extreme_face.gif[/img]

Quote from Hespia Klarerin

ps. i was originally planning to write a story about a girl with multiple personality disorder with identity issue that ends in a suicide, but my teacher rejected the first draft saying it's too complex. I don't get why. It seems like a logical plot

Make Edward Alice.

Quote from Sagaris

Quote from Hespia Klarerin

ps. i was originally planning to write a story about a girl with multiple personality disorder with identity issue that ends in a suicide, but my teacher rejected the first draft saying it's too complex. I don't get why. It seems like a logical plot

Make Edward Alice.

I tried to write this story 3 years before twilight was published.
beside. multiple personality disorder must be a real problem for some people....right?

Quote from Sarcastic_sunshine

darling dear,
As a screenwriting major in college all I have to say is when one begins, simplicity is always the best. Rather to develop certain aspects so well that it's truly believable and moving , such as characters or the final twist is preferred than trying to squeeze all your grandiose ideas into a short story .
Someone concerned for the future youth

While you are 100% correct, the phrase "as a screenwriting major" is so irksome it's nearly throttle worthy... That really isn't a credential.

@hespia: there's a difference between a good plot and a believable one.

And that plot is potentially too complex for a short story, but it's hard to say without the details.

Sidenote: have you noticed how amateur writers are all fascinated with death? It's bizarre.

[img]http://i604.photobucket.com/albums/tt122/Wthuh/CrenshiSig.jpg[/img]
Reviews of my Work:
You are kind of boring - Blackorion
Congratulations! Ur an asshole! - tokyo_homi
**Your awesome!!! **- Cherelle_Ashley
NightSwan also said that she wanted to peg me, once, but I'm not sure whether to take that as a compliment or a threat...