I want to know what people think of it . I guess it's supposed to be young-adult [YA] ... and I usually just write more to it, during class. I want to finish it by the time I move, which is next year...so I should be updating it often, depends on schoolwork though .

EDIT: Added Short Blurb/Summary

Chapter 1

“He deserved it.” His words kept running through my mind. I felt nostalgic, as I remembered the funeral when numerous people there were saying the same thing among themselves. Especially those old ladies, who loved to gossip kept recounting the story for several people, who knew nothing of it. I remembered my brother, Taylor’s, anger at them, when he was about to show them what he had learned in karate all those years, and I barely stopped him, as I probably felt even more hurt by it.

I remember how my mother looked at the funeral. She hadn’t been sleeping well the past few weeks and probably regretted the last words she said to him. I remember how she cried those weeks, when he passed away, as he was the only man she had ever loved. I knew that she was trying to be strong for us, her kids-constant reminders of him.

I tried to be strong for my brothers and sister. I tried my best to act as an adult in front of them, because I knew that if I broke down, then they won’t have anyone to comfort them. The funeral was a few days before school started, so I had to help my younger brother and sister shop for it, although no one was in the mood to buy anything. But we had to get along with life and although I knew that in my mind, my heart just couldn’t seem to accept that fact.

“He deserved it.” I knew that if I believed that, I wouldn’t have much problems coming to terms with the fact that someone who had been a very big part of my life from the day I was born, is not in this world anymore. But I can’t, because I know it’s not true, but I still can’t forget what happened today.

I was walking in the halls in between classes, and I was talking to my friends, when I heard his voice all of a sudden

“He deserved it.”, said my ex-boyfriend Mark, who had suddenly broken up with me a few weeks ago, when I had told him about my family problems.

I felt like hitting him, hard, taking out all of my anger and sadness out on him right there but I knew I couldn’t do that. Not to mention that my mother would be called if I did that, and believe me, no one needs to see her at this moment. My friends Ella and Grace wanted to go and confront him and his friends, but I told them not to. All I could do was run away from there and that’s exactly what I did. I ran, knowing that Grace would make up some excuse for me to our Chemistry teacher, Mrs. Bowman. I ran until I reached the fountain, behind our school which has the statue of the founder of our school. I stayed there for about 10 minutes and then went back to class.

Mrs. Bowman said, “Take a seat, Aria. Are you feeling better?”

I said, “Yes.”, barely audibly.

I could barely concentrate in class, but I didn’t get called on, probably because I suppose the teachers knew about my situation. Hell, the whole town knew! Our town is small, and things get around quickly, so it was no surprise to us that everyone else also found out that my dad was cheating on my mom, with a student no less, just a few days after we found out ourselves. And then what happened the next few days was a blur, almost as if karma was taking its toll.

After school, I had my part-time job at Shutters, although I didn’t feel like going there at all, because I hated photography right now. If it weren’t for photography then my dad would still be here. Being hated by me, but still here, somewhere I could go to him if I needed him.

“Hey.”, I said to John, my manager as I walked in.

“Hey.”, he said, “If you’re not up to working, you don’t have to come here, you know. I could call Geena in for some extra hours.”

“No, it’s okay.” I said, “I want to.” And I did. I wanted to get away from the silence at home, everyone pretending that everything’s okay, while it’s not. I need some chaos, which is exactly what I got at Shutters. I suddenly heard a crash in the dark room.

“Hey.” I said to Allie, who was sprawled across the floor, covered in pictures and negatives of them. “Need some help?”

“Hey. If you don’t mind. Sorry…again.” she said with a little smile. She was the clumsiest person I knew. Falling where there was nothing other than her feet.

I helped her up and helped pick up all of the pictures and negatives. One of them caught my eye. It was of two parents with their child. They were looking at their baby with such adoration, that it seemed that they were living a perfect life, the three of them, without any problems in life, and all they wanted to do was shower their kid with all of their love. It didn’t seem as if one of them might leave them alone someday, to fend for themselves.

“How was school?” Allie asked.

“Fine.” I said.

Someone had just walked in, I went to the desk to see what they needed.

“Hello, what may I help you with?”, I asked them.

It was a guy, who looked just 2 or 3 years older than me. I hadn’t seen him before, which was surprising considering the small proximity of our town, Vendenna. I felt hopeful. I was eager to meet someone new, someone who wouldn’t judge me by the standard my father set up, or feel pity for me. I didn’t want to grieve anymore. Although I don’t exactly want to live anymore, I want to protect my family, from whatever harm others might force on us, or to help them make good decisions throughout their life.

“Are you alright?”, the guy asked, breaking me out of my stance.

“Huh? Oh, yeah, sorry about that. Off in my own world.” I said, smiling a fake smile, while what I really wanted to do was burst into tears. “How may I help you?”

He was still looking at me, thinking I might actually burst into tears. It felt weird. No one else had ever figured out my emotions, as my mind was like a closed box. He finally spoke. “I’m here to pick up my pictures. My name’s Lucas. Lucas Careux."

I called for someone in the back, to bring his pictures. I told them the name. I looked back at him. There was a long pause. He was looking expectantly at me, as if waiting for me to say something.

“What?”, I asked self-consciously.

“Nothing.”, he said, looking slightly taken aback.

I went to the back to get his pictures and gave them to him and he left. I went to the back, about to take my break and as I walked past the pictures, I sub-consciously started looking for the one with the baby and the parents. When I didn’t see it there, I figured who the photographer was. From that moment on, I was eager to meet him again, to meet someone who could capture such an expression on camera.

This is all of chapter 1 . I've written chapter 2 as well, just have to type it up .

Please be as critical as you want [ but give me reasons at least ] ! Everyone I showed it to keeps on saying it's good, and I, for some reason, get discouraged by that . Just tell me what you think of it .

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"I could barely concentrate in class, but I didn't get called on in class"
The second class is repetitive and makes the entire sentence sound weird, not to mention isn't really needed, since readers know what you're talking about. You should probably get rid of it.

"on him right there but I couldn’t do that"
I would change it to "on him right there but I knew I couldn't do that.". Your sentence is technically correct, but it sounds awkward.

Also, in the same paragraph, "All I could do was run away, and that is what I did." would sound better if it was "All I was able to do was run away, and that is exactly what I did", but that is mostly just me nitpicking it. 😳

"Someone had just walked in. I went to the desk." Sort of abrupt and un-descriptive... while it serves its purpose, it really doesn't paint a picture in the mind like the rest of your story. Its just the bare minimum. I personally would like it if you added to it.

Overall, your story is excellent, and I thought it was entertaining. 😀 When I got to the ending it I actually wished there was more of it. 😃

Does the walker choose the path, or the path the walker?

Well it was kind of confusing at first. I would like more details as to why everyone seems to hate the Aria's father, or at least show more of their emotions about him other then 'he deserved it'. There is a lot of people being introduced and we don't really learn anything about them other then there names. I might forget them pretty fast. I don't really understand the setting yet either. Also out of curiousity what genre is this

Now for just mistakes

I remembered my brother, Taylor’s, anger at them, when he was about to show them what he’d learnt in karate all those years, and I barely stopped him, as I probably felt even more hurt by it.

This whole sentence sounds kind of run-on ish. What he'd learnt in karate should be What he had learned in karate I think.

No one else had ever figured out my emotions, as I my mind was like a closed box. He finally spoke. “I’m here to pick up my pictures. My name’s Lucas. Lucas Careux. I called for someone in the back, to bring his pictures. I told them the name. I looked back at him. There was a long pause. He was looking expectantly at me, as if waiting for me to say something.

at the beginning it should be as my mind. take out the I. You also forgot to close the quotes after Lucas Careux. The stuff after that seems like the sentences are short and arent descriptive enough

Quote from Dragonfiremule

"I could barely concentrate in class, but I didn't get called on in class"
The second class is repetitive and makes the entire sentence sound weird, not to mention isn't really needed, since readers know what you're talking about. You should probably get rid of it.

"on him right there but I couldn’t do that"
I would change it to "on him right there but I knew I couldn't do that.". Your sentence is technically correct, but it sounds awkward.

Also, in the same paragraph, "All I could do was run away, and that is what I did." would sound better if it was "All I was able to do was run away, and that is exactly what I did", but that is mostly just me nitpicking it. 😳

"Someone had just walked in. I went to the desk." Sort of abrupt and un-descriptive... while it serves its purpose, it really doesn't paint a picture in the mind like the rest of your story. Its just the bare minimum. I personally would like it if you added to it.

Overall, your story is excellent, and I thought it was entertaining. 😀 Ending it I actually wished there was more of it. 😃

Yeahh, somethings I actually plan to change. They seem...awkward phrasings . My mind can't think of any better words for it, so I keep it like that, until I think of something . And I don't mind your nit-picking, I actually appreciate it, and I'll change the things you've pointed out . I will probably add the second chapter tmrw as it's a Friday 😀 Thank you for your help .

Quote from ExzyruSxxx

Well it was kind of confusing at first. I would like more details as to why everyone seems to hate the Aria's father, or at least show more of their emotions about him other then 'he deserved it'. There is a lot of people being introduced and we don't really learn anything about them other then there names. I might forget them pretty fast. I don't really understand the setting yet either. Also out of curiousity what genre is this

Now for just mistakes

I remembered my brother, Taylor’s, anger at them, when he was about to show them what he’d learnt in karate all those years, and I barely stopped him, as I probably felt even more hurt by it.

This whole sentence sounds kind of run-on ish. What he'd learnt in karate should be What he had learned in karate I think.

No one else had ever figured out my emotions, as I my mind was like a closed box. He finally spoke. “I’m here to pick up my pictures. My name’s Lucas. Lucas Careux. I called for someone in the back, to bring his pictures. I told them the name. I looked back at him. There was a long pause. He was looking expectantly at me, as if waiting for me to say something.

at the beginning it should be as my mind. take out the I. You also forgot to close the quotes after Lucas Careux. The stuff after that seems like the sentences are short and arent descriptive enough

It is run-on, because I wrote this partly 2 months ago, and the rest this week, so I need to read it over, and either add details, or correct them so I can add them later . The genre I suppose would be Drama. I'm having a bit of a problem with the setting, so that will also be added later . I've planned everything out, about her father and everyone I introduced, so all I have to do is put it in writing now . I don't want everything to be too detailed, because sometimes my mind drifts off when it's in the middle of a conversation, and the conversation is then cut off. Thanks for pointing the mistakes out, I'll fix them as soon as I can 🙂

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One really simple mistake: your narrative is "telling" rather than "showing".

This is very nice, albeit in need of more fine tuning, as a beginning point. But it lacks substance by rushing through events and characters; this would be so much more effective if this were spaced out into proper scenes in which the main character moves and develops, and it would give you the chance to add some much needed descriptions to the setting. There needs to be more depth, but I have a feeling you'll get to that once this is more complete.

Quote from Terpsichore

One really simple mistake: your narrative is "telling" rather than "showing".

This is very nice, albeit in need of more fine tuning, as a beginning point. But it lacks substance by rushing through events and characters; this would be so much more effective if this were spaced out into proper scenes in which the main character moves and develops, and it would give you the chance to add some much needed descriptions to the setting. There needs to be more depth, but I have a feeling you'll get to that once this is more complete.

Thanks . I'll try to show more, rather than tell. The main character is supposed to develop, but I'm going to try to make this as a novel, so I thought the developing should be later on .

Technically, I still am a kid, so it's only understandable that I'd make mistakes on my first attempt to writing a book. 😳

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How nice.

[color=#ff0000]"“That's the difference between me and the rest of the world!
Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria!” "[/color]

Quote from hira1994

Quote from Terpsichore

One really simple mistake: your narrative is "telling" rather than "showing".

This is very nice, albeit in need of more fine tuning, as a beginning point. But it lacks substance by rushing through events and characters; this would be so much more effective if this were spaced out into proper scenes in which the main character moves and develops, and it would give you the chance to add some much needed descriptions to the setting. There needs to be more depth, but I have a feeling you'll get to that once this is more complete.

Thanks . I'll try to show more, rather than tell. The main character is supposed to develop, but I'm going to try to make this as a novel, so I thought the developing should be later on .

Technically, I still am a kid, so it's only understandable that I'd make mistakes on my first attempt to writing a book. 😳

Just out of my curiosity. Are you 24? If so whats the 1994 in your username stand for? You don't have to answer.

Now about your story. I'd just like to say that what everyone has said before, I agree with them. You seem to repetitive in some of your sentences and you also seem to rush it along. But I understand since you pointed out in the beginning that you write this during class so your mind is also elsewhere. But overall I thought the story was great and at the end I was practically asking the computer monitor "And then what happens?". I say you have guts to post this up here and accepting the all the criticism from everyone. Keep up the good work and I hope to read more.

Quote from Calíbre

How nice.

Thank you 🙂

Quote from juniorg678

Quote from hira1994

Quote from Terpsichore

One really simple mistake: your narrative is "telling" rather than "showing".

This is very nice, albeit in need of more fine tuning, as a beginning point. But it lacks substance by rushing through events and characters; this would be so much more effective if this were spaced out into proper scenes in which the main character moves and develops, and it would give you the chance to add some much needed descriptions to the setting. There needs to be more depth, but I have a feeling you'll get to that once this is more complete.

Thanks . I'll try to show more, rather than tell. The main character is supposed to develop, but I'm going to try to make this as a novel, so I thought the developing should be later on .

Technically, I still am a kid, so it's only understandable that I'd make mistakes on my first attempt to writing a book. 😳

Just out of my curiosity. Are you 24? If so whats the 1994 in your username stand for? You don't have to answer.

Now about your story. I'd just like to say that what everyone has said before, I agree with them. You seem to repetitive in some of your sentences and you also seem to rush it along. But I understand since you pointed out in the beginning that you write this during class so your mind is also elsewhere. But overall I thought the story was great and at the end I was practically asking the computer monitor "And then what happens?". I say you have guts to post this up here and accepting the all the criticism from everyone. Keep up the good work and I hope to read more.

Haha, no I'm not 24. In fact I'm about 9 years younger than that. 1994 is the year I was born in, and I have many accounts, so I usually just use that as a username to make it easier. So basically, in the story I'm writing, the lead is older than me 🤣

I try to make it less repetitive and I don't really want to show this to my English teacher to correct the mistakes, so I have to do it on my own time. I wanted to know what people would think of the story, if they don't know me, so I posted it up here. Thanks, I'll try to put up more, but I might not until next week, what with my 3 younger siblings, and doing extra school work.
🤢

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i really liked it and want to read the rest please!!!! ^_^

Quote from mangagirlk2

i really liked it and want to read the rest please!!!! ^_^

Thank You ! 🙂 And since it's been a while and I have some free time I'll start chapter 2 of the story right now. ^^

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[This won't be counted as double-posting, will it? :S]
Short Blurb:

Welcome to Belleville, where the arrival of Lucas Careux, who comes from one of the town's most prominent families, is shaking up the town. However no one is more perplexed than Aria, who starts opening her heart to him, something she resolved not to do, after her dad died. She had always been daddy's little girl, and she'd trusted him to be there for her whenever she needed him. However when he was involved in a scandal betraying her trust along that, she didn't think she could ever overcome the pain of the possibility of losing someone again.

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