Hi all! So, I've come across a problem. My sister is a junior in high school, and has a 1.5 GPA. It isn't because she's stupid or anything - she just doesn't do her homework. I've tried sitting her down and talking to her, tried reminding her about it, I even tried physically sitting her down and hovering over her and practically doing half of it for her. Nothing seems to work, and I can't seem to get it through her thick skull that with a 1.5 GPA she's going to be working in fast food at minimum wage for the rest of her life. (No offense to anyone that does, but I'd rather like for her to actually graduate from High School and get a half-way decent management position or preferably go to college)

Now so this isn't just me whining about it... What motivational techniques do you think would work? I know I'll probably just have to let her fail at life and learn the hard way, but I decided I'm going to give it one last shot. Also, has this happened to anyone else? what did you do about it? Did/have you found it as annoying as I have? etc.



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to be honest, I, myself am a very lazy person. I wait til the last minute to do most of my homework. I didn't have anyone pushing me and helping...it was more of self-motivation and music helped at lot. I don't really have any way to help, but just say its more of self-motivation. what does she want to be, what does she like...I don't think "sitting" her down or anything like that would help. try to get her to be self-motivated. I did well, and now I am a junior in university (still my lazy self, but I get my work done w/in due date).


My biggest advice is try to get her to be self-motivated. (I know its now much of help really, srry)

for me, my motivation: its music and I just want to be known(famous)...either through my career or any other way (publishing poetry books)...

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The Don: Young Makaveli

love is evil, spell it backwards and I'll show you...

"my mind shines bright even when my thoughts seem dark"

Never Ignorant Getting Goals Accomplished

The Hate U Give Little Infates F***s Everybody

justILLMATIC

If you have already tried to the best of your ability then let her fail at life if that's what she wants (not that you fail at life if your lazy, although that is a huge handicap). Don't use YOUR valuable time on someone who is not even trying for themselves.

The hard way is the best way.
There's not much you can do when they're that stubborn.

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Everyday I'm tumblin'

March is the month of college acceptance/rejection letters.
I applied to Yale and when I got my rejection letter, I was like ya whatever. Yale's hard to get into and I'm not going to beat myself up over it.

But then I found out that my friend got in.
I am happy for her, but I thought it wasn't fair. We are equally intelligent, but I am more talented than my friend (artistically). The difference is that she is hard working and I'm a slacker, and I do the bare minimum to get an A in class.
So in the end her GPA is better than mine, but we all know that GPA's don't dictate people's true abilities. It's just a measure of how hard of a worker we are, and how motivated we are.

I really regret it.
I hate myself.
I cried for days.
I never cry. I hate crying. I hate showing emotions, but man I broke down and sobbed like a baby.
I could have gone to Yale. I could be going to Yale. RIGHT NOW. fucking Yale.
But I'm not and I never will.

The difference between my GPA and my friend's is literally .1
It's not a big difference.
I am more talented than her, skills wise and arts wise but Yale chose the diligent person.

Yale is paying for her whole tuition (57k). She only has to pay $3000 for room and board.
I, on the other hand, am going to a mere local state school because it is affordable for my family. We are so similar in stats, talented and bright, yet the gap between our levels is suddenly so big.

I really hate myself.
Look at me now, going to a second rate school.

Your sister will regret it.
She has "the attitude" right now. I know how she feels, but not quite as extreme as her.
You think a little bit of effort won't matter. You think it's okay to slack off a little because it's only just a little.
That's not true. Our GPA's differ by .1, but the difference is so great.

That little bit of effort can really escalate you to a much better position.
I really hope your sister understands what is best for her because I understood a little too late.
I feel like it's even worse when you know you're capable of greater things, but stuck with the shorter end of the stick because you were lazy.

Last edited by Tinny-kins at 8:17 pm, Apr 3 2012

I'm a bad slacker yet I always do fine, so it kind of makes me worse,

Sometimes trying to get the message through to stubborn people just wont work, and the only way they learn is when reality hits them hard.
If she's being stubborn and not listening, until she understands the consequences of her actions, she may never feel the need to change.

I know that's really shit to hear, because it's your sister and you don't want her to fail, but it seems to me, overall, having the consequences of your actions come and bite you in the ass usually motivates you to do better. It doesn't always, but most of the time, I find it does.

#1 - You're her sister, not her parent. Trying to make her keep up with grades etc. is not your job and she's unlikely to accept your "enforcement" of school deadlines because you don't have that kind of authority over her.

#2 - If anyone had a real solution for this, they'd write a book and it would be on the best seller list constantly. In my experience kids who don't care, don't care, and until something happens to make them care, they just won't. They *know* all the stuff about throwing away their future blah blah blah but it's not *real* to them, or they think they'll get around it, or the lure of doing something else is just too strong, or whatever.

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"[English] not only borrows words from other languages; it has on occasion chased other languages down dark alley-ways, clubbed them unconscious and rifled their pockets for new vocabulary."
-James Nicoll, can.general, March 21, 1992

I think you're honestly asking the wrong question. It isn't about what you want her to do it's about what she wants to do with herself. If she doesn't want those things for herself then you trying to change her isn't going to do anything. People can only change when they want to change and it sounds to me like she doesn't feel like changing.

Although I'm curious. Have you asked her what she wants to do with her life? What is her answer? Explain to her the best ways to accomplish her goals in life and if they involve college in any way explain to her the merits of doing her best in high school so that she can get the best college education possible.

My advice to you is find out what she wants out of life and go from there.

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another thing i wanted to say is that: ask her what she wants...if she can finish school wit good grades(B average) and get to good university and pursue her goal thn thats good. because not everyone will get the job/career they want, regardless what college they went to (ivy league or not) or what their GPA was, its more of what's your job experience, how do you use education to solve REAL world problems, and who do you know at high level. (knowing the right person in today's world, is more important than education...people get great job even though they don't deserve, just because they have great connect wit people at high level)


so basically, I'm saying that long as you finish school and go to college that good, because in the real world: work experience and connection wit right people outweighs education.

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The Don: Young Makaveli

love is evil, spell it backwards and I'll show you...

"my mind shines bright even when my thoughts seem dark"

Never Ignorant Getting Goals Accomplished

The Hate U Give Little Infates F***s Everybody

justILLMATIC

True (ignoring professions which require graduate degrees- which there will be more of in the coming years), but you should also keep in mind that going to a good school enhances your networking dramatically. There's a reason former ivy league students continue to stay in contact with the schools, and aside from the obvious, they tend to be an obvious pool of talent. Why bother sifting through the chaff when you can immediately have access to someone you know at least possesses enough of a work ethic, and ability to work the system, to get into the school you did? Resourcefulness is key.

So, that's important, but also: the world needs garbage men. And more optimistically plumbers, and mechanics. Even with comparative advantage, not everyone can have a white collar job, but you can still have a stable career in a trade.

In the long run, GPA doesn't matter that much- it's about the person. If they can work hard with a great attitude, and can convince others that they can do that, there's a way to succeed. Not spectacularly, but class mobility is (mostly) an illusion anyway, so why not forge a steady life doing something real?

@Tinny: Honestly, you're rationalizing a bit. Yeah, yeah, your situation sucks, but a: it's your opinion that you have more raw talent and intelligence than your friend, evidently not everyone's, and b: other aspects of the application may have been vastly more impressive than yours. Be happy for your friend and find a way to make your own situation better. It's not like you can't transfer, if you're really as talented as you believe you are.

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When I was little I didn't care about school. I couldn't give a shit about grades until I got to college. I know tons of other people who are like me, yet, trying to force your sister to do something is pretty much impossible unless you know why she won't do her homework. What does she want out of life? Why doesn't she do her homework? How old is she? What's her personality like, does she party or is she of the nerdish stock? My brother and I were similar in that we failed most of our high school classes. For a lot of the same reasons and also for a lot of different reasons.

My brother ended dropping out of high school and got his GED. He told me he didn't try in high school because he felt that high school was teaching him nothing he needed to know with what he wanted to do in life. Also he partied a lot, and skipped school to do those kinds of things. It got worse and worse until finally he dropped out. Luckily he got his GED. He told me now he doesn't want to waste his time trying to get a job he won't give a "fuck" about (to quote him directly). He said he doesn't have any high ambitions, but just to enjoy life, and thus, he has his own interests and goes about them without the school route.

My case was fairly similar. I didn't care about grades or anything. I did well on tests, but if I didn't do the homework, I failed, which was reason enough not to care. I didn't see how grades could measure my intelligence and worth when the most idiotic people got 4.0 GPAs. I didn't want to impress anyone because if they couldn't figure out I was smart without looking at my grades then I didn't want to be apart of a system that was more stupid than the student council president (funny story about that, we were both in the same English class together and we partnered for this book we had to read. I read the book cover to cover, and the student council president didn't even know the protagonist's name. We had to write these daily summary journals as homework and she copied everything I said about the book... I realized then that the entire procedure was pointless and didn't do anything else. So she passed with an A and I got, well, a F). Weirdly enough, I loved school (now this is where my brother and I are different). I loved learning, writing, reading, science. Everything. I never needed to take notes because everything I learned I treasured in my head. And it pissed me off that bastards like the student council couldn't give a shit about knowledge but fell all over themselves for a good grade. So I was the opposite. Eventually, I was able to graduate high school by doing community service and online classes for the credit... For me, it was because I wanted to still be apart of that world; the thought of being left behind was unbearable. Now college suits me much better because I don't have to waste my time on busy work and actually learn and get rewarded for that through tests and essays.

It really depends what world she wants to be apart of.

Unfortunately, I think she's going to have to learn this the hard way. You mean well, and that's nice to see, but you're enabling her bad habits by hovering over her and reminding her and especially by doing it for her. Ask her if she likes having bad grades, with two answers only: Yes or No. Ask her if she's being lazy, if she's procrastinating, or just being forgetful: Yes or No. You should be able to decide for yourself based on how she answers.

I don't know exactly what you have and haven't done, but here's my advice:
Don't pressure her with careers for now. High school kids don't often know what they want, what's good for them, or what direction their life is headed--and that could very well be what's stressing her out and potentially causing her to procrastinate, as if she were looking at a big book and putting off reading it simply because of its size, instead of just starting with the first page.
It's really not the grades you should be worried about either, it's a lack of conviction or motivation. Is she depressed at all? If you talk to her, make sure you aren't harping on her for just these reasons. Try to understand her thinking instead.

Don't give up on her entirely. But if she's stubborn about ignoring her responsibilities, the best you can do is watch from afar.

Also, Tinny-kins, bro-fist. I totally know how you feel.

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Wow... What a great sister. Your little sister is very lucky to have someone who is so concerned for her that they'd sacrifice their own time to and effort to help out. Unfortunately, I can't think of any other ways beyond what you mentioned. It almost sounds like she doesn't want to do well. 1.5, no offense, is kind of bad.

The problem might have more to do with her mentality.

A) She doesn't care or she isn't worried about the future because it isn't happening to her right now therefore she doesn't have to deal with the consequences.

B) She has concentration problems, though if you're there to keep her on track and she still can't finish the work, there isn't much else you can do- maybe a location change? Take her to the library or even a bookstore, wherever it is quiet and the distractions are kept at a minimum. If she's watching TV, on the computer or chatting with friends instead of doing her homework, this method might be helpful.

C) The problem is psychological- is she actually AFRAID of trying? I know it sounds silly and counter-intuitive, but she might be afraid of actually putting in effort and then either failing to meet her or someone else's expectations. It's one thing to fail at something you've put no effort into- then you can comfort yourself by saying "I could have done it if I really tried." By putting forth the effort, it could define the her "limits" or how much she's rally capable of and it may scare her to realize those limits and find that she wasn't as smart or as great as she or someone important to her thought she was. If this is the case, you'll need to sit down and talk to her. This problem is very serious and may even require a psychologist or therapist.

D) If she's slacking at home then she is possibly slacking in school as well? Even if she is bright and intelligent- if she isn't paying attention in school, even if you prod her to do her work she might not understand how to do it. Then she might feel ashamed that she doesn't get something that she should be capable of doing. That shame will prevent her from asking for help or voicing confusion.

I might have missed the mark entirely, but maybe it will be helpful. At least it's a different take on the situation. There should be a reason behind her "slacker ways" - more than she's just being lazy or stubborn. I mean you went so far to help her. Good luck to you both!!!

My brother is also in a similar situation. He is a junior in high school and would be failing most (if not all) of his classes if it weren't for his kind teachers. He does not do his homework which causes his grades to suffer. When he does do his homework, it never seems to make it to the teacher. It either gets lost or he forgets to turn it in. This has been going on for years. My parents are completely flustered and have no idea how to handle the situation. It has gotten to the point in which they check his grades online (teachers like to keep students and parents posted on their grades) every couple of days. Every time they see a "missing homework," they go ballistic. "He's never going to go to a good college." "People who can't turn in their work on-time are high management cases. He's not going to go anywhere in life" blah blah blah... I've tried my best to encourage and talk to him to try to raise his grades to get away from home, but it seems to be to no avail. It is as if he is either taking our conversations and politely tossing it in the trash or perhaps...progress that suddenly comes crashing down when my parents start to rage. He's a smart kid, but he just doesn't seem to care about school anymore and wants to drift by in life. Pretty much numb to everything.

On the other hand, I was also a chronic non-homework do-er. Around the end of junior high and the beginning of high school, I just didn't do much homework at all. In my case, I was always getting into fights with my mother. Just a small thing I didn't do for her and she would go bonkers. (Seriously...getting pissed because I didn't want to tie my hair back like she wanted me to?...She didn't drive me to school because of that...geez). I couldn't do homework under that situation...no car...can't get away from home (transportation very controlled in my house and I had no cash)...so I turned to the internet to get away from it all and to have freedom to do my own thing. Anime, manga, then MMORPGs (mostly to chat with people and to "hang out" with my best friend lol). However, my grades suffered because I spent most of my time trying to get away from it all and not doing my homework/studying. My parents caught on to my slipping grades and started to look up on them every week. Each time, it was a degrading, stressful fight that only took things to the next level. Timed computer sessions and moving my computer to a place where they could spy on me 24/7 only made me more rebellious (O' how I found ways around that...).
It took 2 things for me to change: a major fight with my best friend for me to quit MMO's which allowed me to concentrate more on school work so I could get away from the home of hell ; had a fight with my parents and finally convinced them to stop snooping on my grades. It only created more drama and made me do worse. Worked out pretty well for me (grades and such improved. Plus they stopped bombarding me on how I was a fail at life) though I still got into many fights with my mother. Now that I'm in college, my brother gets the full brunt of their wrath though...

I guess what I'm trying to say is that the reasons for your sister not doing her homework may be more complicated than at first glance. A long conversation may be needed to get to the bottom of it. Berating her about how she won't be successful may prevent her from opening up to you though even though you are very concerned about her well-being (truly admirable. You are a wonderfully caring sister). As my Interpersonal Communications professor said...people often want someone who understands them. Most of the time, they may not follow up on your advice but gushing out how they feel and knowing that you understand them can at least make them feel better. Perhaps knowing the reason why she is doing it can help you decide on what to do next.

I hope this helps Sorry for the humongous blocks of texts (of doom). Kind of got a bit carried away lol

Last edited by BlueHaro at 11:28 pm, Apr 3 2012

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