I've never been a huge fan of cliques/groups/etc. myself, mainly for the reason that you're expected to conform to collective expectations in order to "fit in". It's cliche, but the old 'being yourself' mentality fits me much better.

On the subject of friends, the maximum I've ever had is 2 at any point in my life. Of course now that high school is done I've lost contact with one (our rapport went all the way back to kindergarten ) and can only meet the other (4 years and ongoing ) via instant messaging. I've come to see myself as a loner (with the social ineptitude to match) and an indoor person whenever possible (which is to say, 24/7 on days without classes). Anime, manga, and a MMORPG I play more or less compose the bulk of my online niche.

I agree that the Internet is a good medium to see people spill their guts; it gives you some comfort knowing you're not alone. Your turn.

I couldn't agree more. These sort of mentalities have driven my life to a corner and is pissing me off too much. I'm so sorry about your friend. I'll fill in that niche if I can? I guess I just have horrible commitment issues now that i think about it. I am a loner and everyone in my school knows it. My only safe haven is manga and anime. I've also noticed that unless you're amazing or pathetic at something no one ever talks to you. Whereas vice versa, people naturally come to you, of course just for that moment though. That's why I've been busting my butt to be the best so that I don't have to find people and others will just come to me instead. It's selfish and pathetic but for a person like me, that's really all you can do...
And to randomuser, I'm shy too. I can be the most outgoing person ever though...for like a week or so. Then it usually goes away for the rest of the year.
And that was me spilling my guts, or what's left of it...a back and forth could be nice. It's at times like these that you really come to like the internet. XP

My high school days were a bipolar routine of playing the quiet nerd and the class clown. I'd act out almost on a regular basis to hype up the atmosphere and draw everyone's attention to myself for what it was worth (school is boring, after all). I suppose my peers liked me because I was an unorthodox combination of stellar grades and live entertainment.

You mentioned that you had given up looking for 'that one best/lasting friend' because you were afraid of being hurt. However, forcing yourself to "be the best" to attract others isn't a solution. People will just admire your money, looks, or whatever the result(s) of success may be. Perhaps I've been influenced by anime/manga, but I honestly believe that true friends will appreciate you for who you are, not for what you have.

Dear god now I sound like the main character of some shounen series talking out of his ass...

Haha don't worry. I actually think it's a good thing. I often imagine what it would be like if i was the mc in a shounen manga. Or any manga for that matter. Luckily, i'm more of a class nerd than the clown. But nerd doesn't really count as nerd when everyone else in the class are also extreme geniuses who have the next ten years of their lives set out for them... You are lucky though. My peers hate me for that reason. I'm hated because people are jealous that my grades are so much better than them. Yet different peers hate me because i'm nowhere near as smart as them. It really sucks being in the middle. I've often thought to stop trying to be good so that i can be friends with the more non acadmeic people but i can't do it, i've built too much to watch it fall. Then again, i don't think i'm smart enough to match up to those who are genius either. Ahh moral predicaments...

Haha very true. I'm not denying the fact that there is one out there. I just have grown tired of searching for him/her. The concept of a best friend is more of a theory to me. Something that's supposed to be true with loads of evidence but no tangible examples i can witness with my own eyes. Half the so called best friendships i've seen in others are pathetic excuses for attention which annoys me. Sme however are the most amazing things ever and I just can't help but be jealous of them. A true friend defenitely possesses all those traits but so far, I can't find a person who does.

If we are relating to manga/anime characters, I'm like that guy trapped in the tower his whole life, wondering how life is outside of it, or whether he deserves to be out there. For the lack of a better example, something like rukia in bleach i guess for the first aizen arc?

Now that's a surprise. I always figured people who were 'in the middle of the road' had it best since they could relate to both extremes (in your case: the academic crowd vs. the non-academic crowd) without being biased towards either. Perhaps people simply hate moderation? I was lucky then, but now that I'm in college I'm just a nobody who's given up.

I was somewhat close to the friend [kindergarten one] I lost: we used to walk together, talk, and whatnot in middle school and I met him in passing during high school but that was about it. The friend that I still have online contact with I've known since freshman year; our relationship basically consists of instant messaging every now and then these days. Not very impressive, no?

Well maybe it's just me. But I absolutely despise being in the middle. Either be first or be last. Either the oldest of the youngest. Either the most outgoing or a loner. It just so happens im the loner right now. Being outgoing to like two people while ignoring others sucks very much. Overall point: to me, the "middle" sucks.

No that's not true. Instant messaging i think is a pretty good relationship with people. It's better than whatever i have anyways. Every single friend, crush, loved one I've had before has all been basically pushed away by my horrible commitment issues. Tomorrow, I'm going to give my old crush a birthday present that I worked EXTREMELY hard on. I never get people presents but I just wanted to kindle my relationship with her, since I've basically ignored her for a good two years now. We say hi maybe once every half year but that's it.

I still don't think you should give up though. Giving up is the last thing you should do, when you're out of options. And i can tell you still have options, mainly because you're talking to me about it. You should probably find someone you can convey these feelings to and hopefully someone will understand your feelings. Haha as if i should be the one lecturing here.

Well I was never part of the popular crowd back in high school, nor am I not either in college, lol. In all honesty, I just didn't care. While it would have been nice and comforting to be noticed, but I don't wanna end up some person who changes himself and conform to the mass just to appeal to them. I can't say I have a lot of friends now either. I know a lot of people, but I only have a small circle of close friends of less than two dozen people, and of those two dozen, I really can only say I hang out and chat with 7 of them frequently. Not that I am not a social person, but like I mentioned earlier I don't want to change myself just to appeal to someone and befriend them. If someone were to be my friend, they should accept me for who I am. The 7 people I mentioned, we've known one another for more than 10 years. Basically what I am saying, is that the number of friends don't matter or, rather, it shouldn't matter. The qualities of a friend is much more important than the quantity of how many you have. Definitely try to find someone whom you can turn to though, even if it's a family member. I, use to hate my folks, but now, my parents are the first two people I turn to to talk away my worries. Recently I've had some worries about my college matters, but by calling my mom today, she helps soothed all my concerns and provide a lot of emotional support. My grandma is always there to listen to me whine and cheer me up when needed. Don't go through life thinking you are alone with no one to be there for you.

Wait....what? Since when has 7 come to mean not many? Not to be a downer but I'm pretty sure 7 "close friends" is just a smidge more than 0 close friends. The mere fact that you have a ten year relationship with them is proof enough that you're social so don't go on acting like you suck at relationships when you're talking to someone who actually sucks at relationships.
And I'm not planning on changing to fit in. It's more like I'm planning to change to get out. I'm tired of being in the middle of this mess and since im half way in and half way out, I'd rather just step out entirely rather than suffer the consequences on both sides. And if I could find someone to talk to and convey these feelings to, honestly I wouldn't be here right now, concerned like crazy. It's not a question about quality or quantity because i don't have either.
With that said, thanks for the advice. I know I'm not alone and know that there are people for me somewhere, someday. But that somewhere isn't around me and that someday just isn't today. As cynical as that sounds, that's been my life these past few years.

I didn't read all the posts until so I don't expect you to actually read all of this either, but anyway, here is sound advice if you have patience to reflect on it. I have been there.

When did life start to suck to you? Usually it's in the early to mid teens. What happens basically is your brain starts to mature and you start understanding life better than as a kid but with there being such a big contrast it feels overwhelming and you become lost.

It gets better... well, "better". Unless, of course, the depression continues (and it's not static, it worsens) to later life. When you become "adult"—that is, fully mature—you get certain concepts that become kind of rules or laws (physical, not legal sense) in your mind by which the world makes sense, and although that's what makes you first hate the world for you can live with them as they're your own. That's why "better" and not simply better. At least most don't see it as an issue at that point anymore. Of course the results can be good too but usually the process isn't that hard in that case.

So what to do about it? It can be difficult if there's no one to support you—i.e. being alone.

There's a thing called "breaking the pattern". Let's say you're in an apartment, thirteenth floor. You can always jump out of the window—that way, at least, you get out, you break the pattern. Now there's another thing called "being smart about it".

And we come back to the beginning. When did life start to suck to you? It's easy to forget the time before that as it seems to hold no real value, rather, it can feel it happened to someone else. But that's the time when life didn't suck. That's the last place most people try to find anything coherent, but it's the first place you should. Let me be less cryptic and just say this: what you were then is who you are, only the place you're in is different. You should think about what you thought about back then. How did you see the world and what did you want from it. Now that being as a child there's certainly childishness in it, but the basic idea is what you should be looking for and adapt it.

As for the breaking the pattern in practice, well, it's not so difficult. In which way to do it you can find as stated above. And how to do it is as follows: think about how your life is going to progress in the next five, ten years. Even fifty years. That's the "pattern". The "being smart about it" applies further down also. It's difficult to start breaking anything solid. But there are certain "gaps". Those gaps are between each phase in life. Some of those phases are the beginning of school life, when compulsory education ends and high school starts. When high school ends and university/work life starts. Those moments are when you're not "in the middle" of something and therefore the best places to break the pattern.

What you should think next is how exactly to break the pattern. That is difficult and it's a rare person who has satisfactory results at their first try. But try you should—at least, that's what I think. Each person is different and there's no one simple way to do it. For some it might be as simple as get a "hobby" or something of the sort that they really want to do. And I don't mean to pick up jogging or something along those lines. To take a manga as example, just think about Hajime no Ippo or Hikaru no Go. For Ippo it was boxing and for Hikaru it was igo. It's not just about a hobby but something they want to do and from where they get a purpose for their life. But then again, there's the difficulty of finding that thing (as I said the place to start is from when your life didn't yet suck).

Another way is to go look for it. This is to most people a little scary as it's really a dive to the unknown. It's more like breaking out to the pattern altogether and then you're in a different pattern that might not make much sense to you. That's why it can be a difficult road to walk. So basically it's just that. Packing your bag and leaving. The trick is to cut the life-rope. That way it's either sink or swim and it makes you swim instead of just hanging to the rope, which has no real benefit other than being just a new experience. That means surviving on your own instead of having people to rely on (that means people you know now—not people you meet during that time as you're not having a surviving camp but trying to build a life that doesn't suck).

Ever wanted to go to Japan? Study Japanese really hard for a year or so and go. When you're in Japan with limited Japanese skills and no life-rope you just gotta learn Japanese and pick various jobs to survive. I took this example because it's a more popular one in the manga circles, but it's only an example. And it doesn't really need to be as extreme as that. If you were to take a student exchange program to another country, well, it's not as effective as there's the life-rope, but it's better than nothing and you it makes the actual thing easier if you do it a couple of years later.

As this seems to be turning into a goddamn novel I'll just end it now (I could have edited it in half the size, probably but I'm feeling kinda lazy and just wrote while I thought about this), but here's a few things for you to think about. If you've had enough of life that sucks and really want to break the pattern then here's the place to start. As I seem to have rambled as some old grandma I bolded the things that are relevant during the whole text as you'd probably forget them before you get to the end.

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Far-off places with sweet sounding names.

Thanks 狂気. Yep i can type chinese too. I'm very grateful you took the time and effort to help me out. A few answers to your questions. When did life start to suck? A betrayal in 4th grade did a good number on me when my best friend stopped being friends with me because of various inaccurate racial reasons that we were too young to know anyways. Loss of so called friends due to boyfriends and girlfriends in middle school. Grades dropping like crazy freshman year. Quite literally no friends and a complete loner sophomore year but good grades. No friends and bad grades junior year. Though all these things happened, I could laugh about a lot of them with others. Sophomore year was when it really got to me. I cut off ties with friends for the sake of grades and i accomplished my goal surprisngly, which was to get much better grades. But you have no idea how lonely i was. I used to walk to the park near my school, climb onto the public bathroom and sleep there myself because that's the only place where people couldn't see me.

Gets "better". I'm not as optimitic as you sorry. I can't wait for that time when it gets better. If all else fails, I kinda have to of course but I don't want to. I want something I can do now. I want to become an adult because i can easily avoid all conflicts, all drama, all social pressures, and people in general. I can't do that now because I have parents, I go to school and it's generall not possibly to avoid people when you're so young.

I'm "trying" to find that person to support me but that really is a selfish goal. Finding a person for the sole purpose of supporting you. Doesn't that sound selfish and conceited to you? Their existence isn't for the sake of my happiness you know....

Breaking the pattern...i've tried that. Many times and succeeded yet failed. By succeeding to break the pattern, I've failed to put real meaning in life. I've changed my attitude and outlook on life so much these past few years I no longer know what the real me is anymore. Am I actually an outgoing person who wants to be friends with everyone or am i a secluded nerd who likes nothing but manga and grades? I've put on a fake face for so long, I don't know what I am anymore. I try to fake a smile when people make crude jokes. I try to ignore people when I really want to join in. I lie when i really want to tell the truth. I push people away when all I want is for someone to stay by my side. I procrastinate on hw when I decided grades are all I ever need in high school. This is my messed up life. A slurry of oxymorons that don't make sense. Why can't I be honest? Why does the truth hurt so much?

If I thought that much about the future, then I wouldn't have a problem as to where I am now. I'm a pretty smart student, will probably get into a famous university, major in something worthwhile and get a pretty awesome salary and might make a lasting work in the world. I won't still date the same person I would in high school. I won't be friends with the friends I am from high school ten years later. if all I cared about was the future, which is partially true, then I wouldn't see any reason I'm wrong right now. I would see how it's fine living like this since the future will be great if I give up stuff now. But the future isn't all I care about. I, like most human beings, want instant gratification. I'm selfish and I want life to be good now without making the future horrible.

My purpose in life doesn't exist right now. I don't really see a problem with that now since I am so young and I probably will have a purpose someday. Stupid broad things like "my purpose in life is to be the best student i can be" like my parents say does me absolutely no good at all and have no meaning in it at all.

I'm very impressed with your life-rope example. I've always wanted to do something like that. Many times, I think to myself, I'll change with the next big thing that happens to me. Or I'll change when I do this dangerous thing. I say I'll take a gamble, if I jump off this roof(not as a suicidal sense, i like parkour, so it's more like a challenge that i know i can do and land safely but am too afraid to do) i'll have the courage to change my lifestyle. But my gambles are always without merit. As you can see, I haven't changed at all. Thus I need to be forced in such an environment and cut off this so called life rope and basically play survival of the fittest. Too bad my parents don't care about my grades and i have no friends who can do that to me. I of course am too much of a chicken to do it to myself either.

Again, I thank you for taking the time and effort to write this, I might have said that once or twice before, I forgot...it actually helped. Hon toni arigato.

You two sure are difficult to compete with. Here goes nothing:

If you don't know who you are, a good starting point to both of the tl;dr posts above mine should be a search for identity (and I apologize in advance for making this sound simple; I'm not a fan of reading/typing walls of text). Self-assessment is crucial if you're going to rush into adulthood and cut off that life-rope. Do you hate being in the middle because others won't like you for it? Do you care about academics because everyone thinks you should? Do you constantly change your worldview to align yourself with others? etc.

Relationships seem to be a strong factor in your life, and rediscovering your character (whether it be via looking back, looking within, and/or looking ahead) can help give you the confidence to reach out for support. Know thyself, trust thyself. Everything else can only follow afterwards.

I apologize if you find my articulation to be...unsatisfactory. It's hard to think when I've been a conditioned robot my entire life. Having no freedom of choice doesn't exactly help either.

...And of course I end up more or less summarizing a tidbit of what 狂気 just said. >_<

/walloftextfollowing

Haha I get how you feel.
I'm a 24yo fat virgin, without friends that has been living in his basement as a quasi hikikomori for 8 years. I dropped out of highschool due to mental problems and bullying, so I didn't even graduate. No future chances, no friends, no family, no perspective. For a few years I was okay with having no friends or other social contacts party because of the very bad experiences I've made in high school. I've passed my time gaming, watching anime, reading manga, fapping, eating , sleeping.

For these few years it was really okay for me, because I only lived in the today. Whenever I thought about the future I told myself "tomorrow". Apply for a school? Tomorrow. Get a job? Tomorrow. Go outside? Tomorrow. It's the stereotypical NEET attitude, but I'm just the kind of guy who flees from his problems.

However at some point this changed. My mental problems got worse and worse (I have severe OCD) and I had to go to the hospital. And there, for the first time in my life, I've met people who I could actually relate to and who I could talk with. Since I can remember I've always felt different than others, thinking about other things, having other hobbies and priorities than others. I was a pretty early bloomer. When I was about 8 I had things like astronomy, philosophy and politics as interests. Interestingly enough that doesn't mean I'm smart. My grades in school were always average to bad. I'm just.. different. That's why talking to other people was not only difficult but also painful since I always got reminded of how different I am from them. So during school I tried to avoid direct conversations and I tried to make people laugh by playing the clown to at least get some affection. Of course this ended with me getting laughed at and becoming the center of ridicule from the whole school.

Well anyway in this clinic I finally found people I could talk with. They were still different but I felt that they accepted me being different from them. The 10 weeks in the clinic were probably not the best but definitely one of the best periods of my life. Sadly enough, after we were released my aquaintances from there spread over the whole country so I don't have much contact with them now.

Anyway, this period changed me, as it awakened the yearning for social relationships in me. I wasn't content with just sitting in my basement anymore. I wanted to go out and actually make some friends. But how do you do that? How do you talk to people if you have no common interests? How do you befriend these people other than putting on the clown facade and trying to make them laugh? I still haven't found the answer today, but I was sure that I wanted to try. So I applied for a school and got a part-time job to get more social contacts (and future perspectives). I feel that my life is slowly turning for the better but this baggage from my past is still haunting me and I still have no real friends (other than some guy I sometimes instant message with).

So I wonder what to do with my life when I finish school. I'm 24 and I have no clue what I want to do in my life. I envy those people who know what they want to be since they are a kid. I'd like to do something related to manga, since that is pretty much my only hobby, but I'm terribad at drawing and it's also kind of impossible to find jobs related to this in Germany. I also thought about studying Japanology for a few years and then emigrating to Japan. But I'm kind of scared and besides I wouldn't know what to do for a living in Japan then either. Maybe teaching German. But I don't think they need German teachers in Japanese schools.

Haha, sorry for writing so much. I just have no one to talk about this and this thread kinda seemed to fit. I'll shut up now =)

________________

Haha well I don't always write that much. I just want to reply as much as possible to the people who spend their time and effort trying to either help me or sympathize with me. It really means a lot that so many have responded and maybe it's just me but if someone is helping you, it really is just common courtesy to respond. (i should really heed my own advice sometimes...) you can just read the section i responded to each person.

Anyways to teika: the whole life-rope thing is something that I think I need to do. Sometime in my life, I need to let go of that life line and just venture out in this unforgiving world. The only reason I'm so mad at everything is because I still have a place in it. The fact that I have a chance to get into an Ivy League or become someone noteworthy scares me the most. If this was unattainable in the first place, I would be rioting everyone, screaming at everyone, probably not in school and everything. But I can't do that because I still have a chance to be something in life, which as I said before, SUCKS. Again I'm stuck in the middle. I might amount to something in the future, but I might fail at it too. Why such complications Argh...I understand the whole relationships thing and yes I suck at that. I have found that my main problem is commitment issues. I can't stay committed to one thing for too long. I can be the smartest person in the world for a day and the laziest and stupidest person the next. I have no consistency and I have no way of changing that, or at least I don't know how...

To shiratori: Please don't do that. I'm incredibly sorry for you but I don't want to feel that way. The reason why I never tell people about these problems is because I absolutely despise pity...with a passion. The condescending eyes that people have when they know they're better than you and talk to you for their own conscience's sake. What's the point of making people look at you that way. I'm not saying lie your way out of it or make up random stuff. But don't flount your shortcomings and don't boast what you're good at either. What one needs to find in the world is an equal. So what if you're a 24 year old fat virgin? I'm pretty sure you're not the only one. I can't say that I am the same as you but so what? I understand that your life has been hard on you and physically and mentally it has greatly affected your life and from the bottom of my heart I wish you the utmost of luck in the rest of your life. What you need isn't momentary instant gratitfication comfort from some random guy on the internet. You need to find a person who can appreciate you for who you are. How you do that? I have no idea. That's the reason I'm here. And probably the same reason you are too. Sorry if I sounded harsh, it just kinda reminded me of how I used to always bash on myself in the past. It does you no good and nothing comes out of it but a punch to your self esteem.

Life is how you live it. Some people make bad choices, by there will always be another chance. One of my favorites quotes, one I found recently and now practically live by, is "Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end."

I could try to pull off one of those "there will always be someone worse off than you" and "count your blessings to see what you do have rather than what you don't." The truth is that I'm pretty well off, I think, although that could just be my optimism talking. But last I checked, I can see, I can hear, I have two strong arms and two strong legs to carry me through my own life the way I want it. I have fingers to type this message with. I have eyes to see the words, and I'm smart enough to be able to read and write. That's a lot of things to be thankful for, in my opinion. The only thing I'm really disappointed about is my trichotillomania, which isn't serious at all and certainly not life threatening, though it is a disappointment. My family is healthy and we have enough to eat. We are free to voice our own opinions and do as we want.

My life is what I make of it. It is a choice to be happy. I wish everyone was as grateful as they should be for what they do have, rather than envious of what they don't. Rather than feeling sorry for yourself, why don't you try to make those dreams happen?

________________
"Everything is okay in the end. If it's not ok, then it's not the end."

"I'm tired of all the nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What else do you want; an adorable pancreas?" - Jean Kerr

When I said 'death' before 'dishonor', I meant alphabetically.

Imagine what would happen if there were no more hypothetical situations.

Back to rexytheking's issues, in my view it is a good thing, you started to confide us in because it means that you've realised how your life isn't going into the right direction, and you've mustered your courage to admit your own faults. Thank you for your trust and your honesty towards total strangers like us. Your confession is proof that you're actually willing to do something about your situation. That is great for the start.

However, what you have done isn't sufficient at all. I don't mean to offend you, but from what I have seen in your posts, you aren't fully aware of all your mistakes and personal flaws yet. I know that because I've been through the same painful process of stripping myself of all excuses, all defenses and all this self-deception that got me into this mess I'm still in right now.

After you've been laid bare - cold, frightened and shivering down to the core - only after you've experienced this self that has hit rock bottom for a whole week, you will be able to crawl back on your feet and start climbing to the surface once again. For that's the point when you've come to understand both rationally and emotionally what part of you and your life needs fixing. If you're still able to check for manga releases, you haven't reached that stage of consciousness yet.

So how do you get to this point and past it? 狂気 and Teika had some good ideas, and -shiratori-'s way is another possibility, but first of all, you need to reduce the time you're spending on manga, anime, games etc. Stop living for the moment, and start structuring your daily life! Otherwise, you won't get anywhere, believe me.
Lazing around can be nice, but it easily becomes a habit and before you know it, you're addicted: You waste your time with media consumption, even though you need to do other things and you're tired and you don't feel like it anymore, but you cannot free yourself. You're only half-awake most of the day. It's as if you'd made your whole being go numb, so that you wouldn't have to face the harsh reality.

I've lived in the same indifferent manner for the past several months, and without a daily routine, I would be still bumming around, running away from the truth without getting anything done. My habitually phlegmatic lifestyle had deprived me both of the willpower and of the chance to change my life for the better. Please, don't let that happen to you! Don't let it take something precious from you which you'd mourn for after waking up from this nightmare. It's not too late yet.

In your case, what might work best is to write everything down that comes to your mind about yourself and the problems you're facing, especially if you want to know your flaws and your goals. It's like keeping a diary for a specific purpose. You can also note down things other people said about you. You don't have to believe in everything, just collect any data that could give you a hint at the truth for a couple of weeks.
While you're at it, please do me the favour and put yourself through one of those depression tests (e.g. the Goldberg scale for depression. They might give you some orientation for your future approach. I underwent one myself, and knowing that I am not depressive gave me some confidence that it was possible for me to solve my problems by myself.

After collecting your first bulk of writings, you can start to sort them out, analyse and evaluate them. Try to think of countermeasures to prevent unwanted stuff from happening, e.g. I've written time schedules for each day and set up several alarm clocks and reminders, in order to prevent me from becoming a lazy night owl once again. If you want to, you can make a check list, too.

However, you can't take up the challenge on your own. Even if you've got commitment issues, you'll need an outsider to check up on you regularly, in order to make sure that you won't fall back into the same pattern as before. I know that this form of self-restraint gets extremely annoying over time, but there is simply no other way if you can't even trust yourself, neither your confidence nor your self-perception.
I'm more than willing to support you regarding this matter, but I won't be able to push you and watch over your progress the way my family did and still does it for me.

Maybe you could talk to your folks about it and ask for their help. You don't have to tell them everything, just say you want to reduce your media consumption for the sake of school or something like that. Since you're living under the same roof, it would be the most convenient solution.

However, if they aren't fit to take up that role, you can go to see a psychotherapist. Please don't brush this idea off easily! I'm aiming to get into a related profession, and there are actually very sane and competent people between psychatrists and psychotherapists. Taking your commitment issues into consideration, this might be the best for you. After all, the reason that this profession has flourished so much over the past few decades, is that an increasing number of people can't turn to their family and friends for help anymore. Most of these guys know what they're doing. And, if your depression test gave you the indication, do some further research and consult a professional, if necessary.

I also think that it's a good idea to re-approach your old crush and some of your old friends. The more support you get, the better. You never know when a real friend or soul mate will show up. College is a great opportunity, but you shouldn't wait for that. If you don't take action yourself, right here, right now, nothing's going to change.
I, too, had hoped to become an adult once I started going to university. Guess what? I'm still the same naive teenager deep down, even if I'm living on my own now. And anyone else I've asked says the same: There is simply no point in life where you'll be - Whack! Boom! - transformed into a proper adult. Not when you've reached your thirties and not when you're past your mid-forties. Whether you grow into that role or not, it all depends on how you act in your life. So, let's start fleshing out our ideas on adulthood!

I hope my rambling was of help to you someway or another. Please do not ever give up! I think it would give a lot of courage to all of us, if you were able to get a grip on your own life and eventually on your happiness.


P.S.: The friend you're wishing for is someone who would to tell you something like this, right?


Last edited by Tripitaka at 11:54 pm, Sep 17 2014

________________
"Stories are what death thinks he puts an end to.
He can't understand that they end in him, but they don't end with him."
- Ursula K. Le Guin, Gifts

To be savoured:
- Blood Alone by TAKANO Masayuki
- Otoyomegatari by MORI Kaoru
- Gangsta. by Kohske
- Seishun Kouryakuhon by AKIZUKI Sorata