Humor
18 years ago
Posts: 1199
Gay Gang beats up Kevin from Mr. Belvedere. If you don't know what Mr. Belvedere is, you are too young to be watching this.
[url]http://www.break.com/index/80s-choreographed-gang-fight.html[/url]
P.S. I am not using Gay in a derogatory way. They really are gay.
Life is tough......but it's tougher if you're stupid.
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18 years ago
Posts: 2596
Quote from Nelo_Neko
Yet another reason why stupid 8 year olds shouldn't use the net.
Take note of this everyone 😀 i was once like that above. 😀
18 years ago
Posts: 169
Sorry if some of this has been posted didn't read the whole thread
Funny sites some can offend so yah 18+:
Bash
Juvenile Comedy
Encyclopedia Dramatica
Gaijin Smash
Maddox
Link to a folder with awesome pictures, also 18+:
Warning some adult jokes 18+, though the jokes are corny I like them:
1.How do you punish Helen Keller?
With a firm, patient, loving hand.2.What's one ba, plus one ba?
TUBA!
3.Why can't a pony sing?
Because he's a little horse.
4.Two Jews walk into a bar. The bartender asks them what they would like to drink and they both respond,"Nothing, thanks. We're just here to use the restroom."
5.Two men walk into a bar.....
The funeral is on Tuesday.
6.What fat, fat, and fat all over?
You!
7.Why did the Cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.
8.Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
He was dead.
9.What did George Washington say to his men before they crossed the Delaware River?
Get in the boat!
10.Why couldn't the Chinese lady drive her car very well?
Because she had a degenerative spine disorder which rendered her paralyzed from the waist down.
11."Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"The interrupting cow."
"The interrup---"
"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO."
Variation:
"Knock, knock."
"Who's there, Jack?"
"The interrupting...um, lion."
"The interrup---"
"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR."
12.Why did the cat fall out the tree?
Because it was dead
13.Why did the monkey fall out the tree?
It was stapled to the cat
14.Why did the tree fall over?
It thought it was a game
15.Why was the white guy terrible at basketball?
He was blind.
16.What's brown, green, and blue all over?
A globe.
17.What's more terrifying than a dead baby?
A live teenager with college aspirations.
18.Why was the blonde girl such a slut?
She was neglected by her father as a child, and looks constantly for affirmation by screwing every guy that's nice to her.
19.Why are all Asians so dark-skinned and good at sports?
Because you've gotten your stereotypes mixed up.
20.What do you say to a gay Trix bunny?
Silly fagot, dicks are for chicks!
21.Why did Freddy fall off the bicycle?
Freddy was a fish.
22.Why did Freddy fall off the fish?
Freddy was a bicycle.
23.Why did the Powerpoint presentation cross the road?
To get to the other SLIDE! Hehe.
24.How come the pilot crashed the plane?
Because the pilot was a carrot.
25.Why did the fridge fall out of a tree?
Because it was so heavy that the branches could not support its weight.
26.Why did the Jew catch cold?
He didn't get enough vitamin C.
27.Why did the lion cross the desert?
To get to the other pride.
28.Knock knock!
Who's there?
George!
Oh, come in!29.Why do sharks live in salt water?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze!30.Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Hoo.
Hoo who?
How many times do I have to tell you not act like an owl!?31.Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Boo
Boo who?
Quit cryin' you big baby!32.Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Mesquite.
Mesquite who?
LET ME IN! I don't wanna catch West Nile!33.Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Foo
Foo who?
Foo ya!34.Knock knock
Who's there?
Poop
Poop who?
Haha, you said poopoo!35.What did the half-black half-asian farmer say when he lost his tractor?
Hey, where's my tractor?36.What do you call two math teachers at a bowling alley?
A par-a-bola(s)!37.What do you call a math student with ADHD at a bowling alley?
A hyper-bola!38.A man coming home from work opens the front door to his house and finds his wife seated on the couch in the living room, looking somber. She has three suitcases next to her.
The man says "Hi honey, how are you?"
His wife doesn't reply.
The man says "What's wrong?"
His wife pauses for a minute, and begins to speak.
"Frank, I have to be honest with you: I've been living a lie for the past 12 years. Every day for me is a torturous routine... have you ever wondered why I haven't wanted to have sex with you in 8 months? It's not like I'm trying to follow the married couple stereotype, you know?" She begins to tear up.
"Christine..." the man says.
"No, let me finish. Frank, I don't know if I ever really loved you at all... it's hard for me to admit this, but I have to if I want to be sane. I don't know what's happening to me, or what's happening to us, but I just can't be married to you any longer. The last really wonderful experience I remember sharing with you is our tenth anniversary... Frank, that was two years ago! I can't continue this."
The woman sobs uncontrollably. In response, Frank turns into a penis with legs and starts dancing.39.What do you call 4 Mexicans in quick sand? Cuatro SINKo.
40.A man is driving down the highway with a car full of penguins.
He gets pulled over by a cop who tells him he needs to take those
penguins to the zoo. The man says he will comply and the cop lets
him go. The next day the same man is driving down the same highway
with a car full of penguins again. The same cop pulls him over and says,
"Didn't I tell you to take those penguins to the zoo?" "I did."
replies the man, "And we had a great time. Today I'm taking them to the circus."41.A man walks into a bar and sees an old grizzled pirate with a wooden leg, a hook hand, and an eyepatch. Unable to resist, he goes over to the pirate and says, "Pardon me, but I have to know. How did you lose your leg?" "Shark," grumbles the pirate. "A shark ate your leg?" replies the man in astonishment. "Aye," says the pirate. "So how did you lose your hand?" asks the man. "Crocodile," grumbles the pirate. "A crocodile ate your hand?" replies the man, even more astonished. "Aye," says the pirate. "Okay, how did you lose your eye?" asks the man. "Seagull," grumbles the pirate. "A seagull ate your eye?" replies the man, completely flabbergasted. The pirate turns to him and says, "No. A seagull shit in my eye, and it was my first day with the hook."
42.Knock-knock?
Who's there?
...
Hello?
...
Hello out there?
...
I'm... I'm going to call the police!
Knock-knock?
Oh, good you're still there. Who's there?
I just killed your dog.
43.What do chocolate and sheep have in common?
You can cut them both up into little squares.
44.Two Irish blondes had broken down on the motorway. As they were trying to fix their car's engine a police car stopped beside them. The officer inside looked at them in some confusion.
"I'm sorry, Officer," said one of the blondes, "I know we're stopped in the middle of the road, but our engine died very suddenly. Perhaps you could have a look at the engine, with your big manly brain, and see what's wrong?" She fluttered her eyelashes at him flirtatiously.
The policeman stared at her in horror and drove off as fast as he could. The two Irish blondes were very confused, and it turned out they were both labrodors.45.What did the ancient Greek bring with him to the Romans' party?
Some kind of crazy hacksaw!
46.What's small, wrinkled, reddish-brown, and filled to overflowing with worms?
An old apple.
47.A woman brought a very limp duck in to a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 percent certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the lab report and the cat scan, it's now $150.00."
48.What do you call a black pilot?
A pilot.
49.What's long, brown and gooey?
A Mars Bar.
What's long, brown, gooey and tastes like ****?
Another Mars Bar.
50.So, this guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
"What kind?" says the bartender.
The man looks down, cries, and says "I dont know." Filled with shame, he leaves and never returns.
51.A guy decides to get his son circumsized when he is two years old. After receiving the bill, he calls the doctor in a rage.
Guy: "Are you kidding? This is going to cost me an arm and a leg!"
Doctor: "Sorry sir, but I'm not in the prosthetics business."
52.What has four legs and barks?
Four one-legged dogs.
53.What's the difference between an orange?
A horse because it doesn't have any handlebars.
54.Bacon and eggs walk into a bar, And the bartender says, sorry we don't serve breakfast.
55.Stupid observations:
Have you ever noticed...
...that if you walk close enough to a really fat person, you can touch them without extending your arm?
...that anal sex is only fun if there's two of you?
...that it's a lot easier to lead a horse to water if it's still alive?
...that cooking using only the power of your mind can lead to headaches and food poisoning?
...that the cruelest way to set a mouse-trap is to hang it up off the ground so that the mice die from exhaustion trying to jump to get the cheese?
...that when you plant a vegetable garden in your backyard by moonlight, I sneak inside to have sex with your mom?
...that parrots just won't shut the **** up, even after you swallow them whole?
...the the easiest way to get past airport security is by faking a case of rabies?
...that the Germans get offended when you mention the Holocaust, even if it's just in some offhand manner, like when you say, "The Holocaust? That's nothing. Prepare for the Ballocaust!", and then you punch them out and teabag them repeatedly?
...that books seem to burn faster if you've never read them?
...that the reason your mom lost all that weight was that I finally stopped having sex with her?
56.How are music and a cement mixer similar?
If you don't C# you will Bb
57.What do you get if you throw a piano down an open mine shaft?
Ab minor!
58.Three guys walk into a bar, the fourth one ducked.
59.A priest an minister and a rabbi walk into a bar and the bartender says "what is this some kind of joke?"
60.A horse walks into a bar and the barman asks him "why the long face?"
The horse replies; "I just got gang-raped."
61.Two cannibals are eating Jerry Lewis. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
62.How do you stop a baby from crawling around in circles?
...
...
...
...
Flip him over onto his shell.63.Stupid "Your Mom" jokes:
When your mom sits around the house, she really exemplifies the lazy, lower-class housewife.
Your momma is so fat, she has to wear large-size clothing.
Your mom smells so bad, you should probably check her pulse.
Your momma is so stupid, I suggest taking Adult Learning courses at the community college.
Your mom is so poor, she wasn't able to buy you clothes and school supplies when you were little.
64.Three rapists are discussing their exploits of the previous week. The first rapist goes "I raped and killed a sweet old lady after I helped her cross the street." The second one goes "I invited a little third grade boy named Davey into my car so I could take him to the candy store, and then I sodomized him, slit his throat and ate him." The third one goes "I butt-****ed my roommate."
The second one screams "THAT'S ****ING DISGUSTING! WHAT THE **** IS WRONG WITH YOU?" The first one replies, "Oh what? Cuz I ****ed a dude? What the **** is that it, man? You raped a boy!" The second one goes "Ah, but that's different. I'm a pedophile, not a ****ing faot."
65.What do cows do for fun?
They go to the moo-vies!What do cows to at parties?
They a-moo-ze each other!What is the life of an average cow like?
Well, they are usually born on a farm. As they grow, the farmers leave them to graze out in the pasture. Their meals depend on what kind of farm they reside in. Daily, the farmer squeezes their udders to produce milk and the milk is sold on the market. Then, eventually, the cows are killed and turned into beef.Who is the cow's favorite fascist dictator?
Benito Moo-ssolini!66.Two cannibals are eating Al Yankovic. One says to the other, "Does this taste weird to you?"
67.Two cannibals are eating a fat fk. One says to the corpse, "Take the stairs once in a while, fatty." The other says, "Holy shit what a fat mother****."
68.Two cannibals were eating each other. One said "eat me, asshole" and the other gurgled and vomited blood.
69.Two cannibals were eating each other. I came.
70.Two cannibals were eating hamburgers. And one says "This just doesn't have the screaming and twitching that a human does." And the other replies "Yeah this sucks. Lets go
eat that Asian guy over there." And the other says "Nah.. If we eat him we'll just be hungry again in an hour." "How about that Italian guy?" "Yeah sure Italian sounds good."Then they ate the Italians face.
The end.
71.Two cannibals were eating Dane Cook, so I gave them each five million dollars.
72.Two cannibals are eating a man-roast, when one turns to the other and asks, "You know, I can't help but think we really limited our choice of meals by becoming cannibals."
"I know what you mean," the other cannibal replied. "The other day I was eating some soup and thought 'You know what would make this soup awesome? More saffron- less people.'"
And then they never ate people again.
73."What he lacked in penis size, he made up for in personality: he was a huge dick."
74.What did the good-hearted queen say to the courageous hunchback when he asked her to marry him?
"F*** no, you hideous cripple. WTF is wrong with you? Are you ****ing joking? I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit."
75Why are pirates pirates?
Because they AARRGGHH!!!!
76.What did the blind cow say to the blind boy?
"Hey, you see that ball over there?"
"No"
"Niether do I."77.Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods?
78.What is worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?
Being Raped.79.Two Cannibals are eating Carlos Mencia. One asks 'Does this taste funny to you?' The other stares at him for five seconds, then replies 'no'.
Why did the banana explode?
Because it was a grenade.81.Why do gorillas have dig nostrils?
Because gorillas have big fingers.82.I went into town to buy some camouflage trousers, but I couldn't find any.
And my girlfriend's first ever joke (translated so you get it):
Knock Knock
Whose there?
Purple
Purple who?
Purple Pixie
In Response to this post(Each on in bracket is a new post):
Is your girlfriend four years old?
You forgot to include the punchline, Ned.
Here's the punchline!
I forgot that this doesn't work well over the internet. You have to realize that as I said that, I punched you in the face as well.
It's... it's a two-part joke.
Sure it is.
You terrorist.
83.Hear about the talking mushroom?
He was a fungi.
84.Did you hear the one about the guy who couldn't remember how to tell knock-knock jokes?
He ended up becom- MOOOOOOOOOOO!
If this is too long I can upload a txt file but whatever.
18 years ago
Posts: 2596
I guess sometimes i just offend people 😛
<+Uncle> I just took him out yesterday for a beer. <+Uncle> Specifically told him to not crash into anything. --> Brother (~lilbro@####[tookoff:]) has joined #[secretchan:] Uncle took me out yesterday. For a beer. <@rianu> for a beer For A Beer. SHUT ####### UP! *** Brother (~lilbro@####[tookoff:]) Quit (#$$#&) <+Uncle> And he crashed into his hat anyways. I feel your pain. <@rianu> Indeed. of course
[i'm clovernat btw]
18 years ago
Posts: 1199
@AuraBlaze
WTF!?!?! Could you break these up and torture us over a period of a few days. All at once is nauseating.
Life is tough......but it's tougher if you're stupid.
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18 years ago
Posts: 169
Quote from vinceasuma
@AuraBlaze
WTF!?!?! Could you break these up and torture us over a period of a few days. All at once is nauseating.
That's just the way I roll.puts on sunglasses
Member18 years ago
Posts: 1141
i'M a bArBie Grrl iN a bArBie wOORRLd.......
(You might need ear plugs....but then it would be pointless...LOL)
** [color=green]Mad people either have no sense or too many extra senses... [/color]**
[color=red]On the net, men are men, women are men and children are the FBI. =D[/color]
Moderator18 years ago
Posts: 9026
Capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my uncle Jack off a horse.." and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse.."
can you help me install GTA3?
first, shut down all programs you aren't using
frank has quit IRC. (Quit)
...
Thank you for listening to me.
You know your a really good listener.
Sweety please say something.
Ok I'm back.
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
hahahahaha
some girl just came onto our floor
and was yelling "sexual favors for anyone who does my sociology paper"
i just asked her what the paper was about
and she said the accomplishments and growth of feminism
<`Neo> bahahahaha
I helped the EMTs at a car wreck and got blood all over my arms and shirt. It looked like I murdered 20 people with a fork... anyway, I walked into a convieniance store down the street and said my girlfriend needs a tampon. The guy at the counter was mortified.
67% of girls are stupid
i belong with the other 13%
<UKDJ|Planet> I swear to god
<UKDJ|Planet> I've just heard a duck tell a joke
o...k
<UKDJ|Planet> there was as group of ducks on a pond near where i live
<UKDJ|Planet> one of the ducks was quacking away looking straight at a group of like 10 ducks
<UKDJ|Planet> then he stopped and all the other ducks went mental
<UKDJ|Planet> it looked just like duck stand-up comedy
I want to know duck language.. 🤣
source: animenewsnetwork
Join SRoMU Scanlations or visit #SRoMU at IRCHighWay.
Member18 years ago
Posts: 911
Click Me (n_n)
18 years ago
Posts: 1199
Quote from fjgs19
Click Me (n_n)
Awesome. Sent to 15 of my closest intarwebz friends
Life is tough......but it's tougher if you're stupid.
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Member18 years ago
Posts: 1141
Quote from fjgs19
Click Me (n_n)
Chris (my cat) is already in one I set up. 🤣 He lives in it now.
** [color=green]Mad people either have no sense or too many extra senses... [/color]**
[color=red]On the net, men are men, women are men and children are the FBI. =D[/color]
18 years ago
Posts: 1145
Quote from Nelo_Neko
Quote from fjgs19
Click Me (n_n)
Chris (my cat) is already in one I set up. 🤣 He lives in it now.
It's really hard for me to have both a live or fake Chirstmas tree 🙁 All my dogs want to hike their legs on it >:-( and they're all neutured (yes I know - I'm cruel :/ ).. so they can't exactly hike their legs.. so they have to press themselves completely against it, which knocks it completely over :/
If it weren't for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
18 years ago
Posts: 1850
Quote from jinx_you
It's really hard for me to have both a live or fake Chirstmas tree 🙁 All my dogs want to hike their legs on it >:-( and they're all neutured (yes I know - I'm cruel :/ ).. so they can't exactly hike their legs.. so they have to press themselves completely against it, which knocks it completely over :/
Hang on a sec, since when is neutering cruel?? 😕 It prevents a lot of behavior problems & pet overpopulation, and there are painkillers available after the surgery (though my vet says "the boys rarely need it").
We're getting our Christmas tree this evening, it'll be fun to see what our two kittens (and the adult cats, of course) think of it. 🤣
"[English] not only borrows words from other languages; it has on occasion chased other languages down dark alley-ways, clubbed them unconscious and rifled their pockets for new vocabulary."
-James Nicoll, can.general, March 21, 1992
18 years ago
Posts: 1145
Quote from TofuQueen
Quote from jinx_you
It's really hard for me to have both a live or fake Chirstmas tree 🙁 All my dogs want to hike their legs on it >:-( and they're all neutured (yes I know - I'm cruel :/ ).. so they can't exactly hike their legs.. so they have to press themselves completely against it, which knocks it completely over :/
Hang on a sec, since when is neutering cruel?? 😕 It prevents a lot of behavior problems & pet overpopulation, and there are painkillers available after the surgery (though my vet says "the boys rarely need it").
We're getting our Christmas tree this evening, it'll be fun to see what our two kittens (and the adult cats, of course) think of it. 🤣
🤣 That would be my 6 male roomies that believe I'm cruel for gettin all 4 of my dogs neutured.. 🤣
If it weren't for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
18 years ago
Posts: 1850
Quote from jinx_you
🤣 That would be my 6 male roomies that believe I'm cruel for gettin all 4 of my dogs neutured.. 🤣
Oohhh, I get it now. 🤣
Have to admit my boys were a bit ambivalent about getting our male kitten neutered, but a little discussion of spraying behaviors convinced them. 😀
"[English] not only borrows words from other languages; it has on occasion chased other languages down dark alley-ways, clubbed them unconscious and rifled their pockets for new vocabulary."
-James Nicoll, can.general, March 21, 1992
