Just curious.

The thing is, I'd like to BELIEVE that equality can exist, but I've never experienced it personally, nor have I ever seen a truly "equal" marriage or romantic relationship among my family members or friends.

Am I just believing in a fairytale? A non-existent ideal?

Or have any of you actually seen/experienced a truly equal relationship?

I'd appreciate hearing your thoughts.

Based on my personal experience and so I guess it doesn't apply to all, there is no such thing as equality in a relationship. One person will love the other a little bit more and prepared to sacrifice a little bit more as well. That ofcourse doesn't mean that he/she will sacrifice all the time but will tend to do it that tiny bit more. Too much inequality in a relationship is ofcourse unhealthy bt I belive in practical life there is no such thing as equality in relationships

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Angel Beats--best anime of the 2010 spring season

Well, that depends what you mean by it. Do you mean having the same amount of power in the relationship, or do you mean that one person loves the other more? "Equality" is a little vague, do you think you could eloborate? ^_^

when i think gender equality, i think this very simple thing.

if a woman hits a man, the man gets laughed at
if a man hits a woman, he goes to a pound your ass place for at least a month.

see a woman knows she can get away with running her mouth far more than a guy can to another guy.

if you have never met a woman who ran her mouth a little to far than lucky you.

when a fight breaks out in a relationship, the woman will realy ask to be hit, i have never met one that didn't cross lines that shouldn't be crossed when she gets pissed.

take this one from a friend of mine. his girl and him got into a fight, she screamed at him "well i'm glad the c#@$ died" that was referring to his mom. now if it was another guy, it would have been a big fucking hit to the face knocking a few teeth out. but i have to hand it to him he didn't hit her, but he broke his fist on a stud in the wall, left and came back with a cast and kicked her ass out.

im just pointing this out for when shit hits the fan.

and for me, i will not compromise, if she doesn't like me, than she either has to get use to it, or gtfo, because i will change for no one

Thats true it is a little vague...
Anyway I think

Yes, it's possible for both to love each other and compromise equally.

You know when you see those really older married couples, like our grandmas and grandpas? I believe they love each other equally.

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“As he read, I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once.”
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pretty much what he said

and omg
your friend must be godlike to be able to not seriously hurt that girlfriend of his
i would have been in jail for a VERY long time im sure

I can't say for sure... but it would be nice.
Personally thats what I would strive for but there is always going to be some kind of imbalance?

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Whoa, there's an even split! Right now there's 20 votes, 10 in each option... Lol, that don't help much in terms of reaching a "common consensus".

Vilde-san, I meant "equality" in terms of power AND emotion, because... Well, doesn't the person who loves more end up compromising more and therefore having less power? But maybe I'm mistaken... Please share your views!

I agree with John21, personally... Too much disparity would be a problem but I think it's pretty normal to have one person who's a little more invested and willing to compromise more to make the relationship work, i.e. goes with their partner's opinions/decisions more often, so the partner has more "power" in that sense. I think that's pretty normal...

In my parents' marriage it's obvious that it's my Mom who has done most of the sacrificing, and my Dad has more power... Whereas in my bro's marriage, his wife has most of the power. It's like... Quite easy to see. They're both stable, loving marriages, though... So obviously a relationship doesn't have to be EXACTLY equal to be a happy one, although I do think that the more equal a relationship is, the happier it is.

Woah lol same with my parent's marriage. My mum has done most of the sacrificng as well compared to my Dad and that doesn't mean that the marriage is unahppy or anything because they are both happy with the status quo. I guess maybe it has to do with the times, back then women used to be more in charge of the household and men tended to bring in the money, nowadays women are more equal in terms with men than ever before, they are more independant and stuff. Sigh women might have become too independant and career orientated these days. especially when it concerns the whole motherhood thing, I have seen so many marriages where the child who is like what 1 or 2 goes to childcare because the woman is not prepared to give up her work and when I pointed that out to my gf she is like why does the woman have to sacrfice, why can't the husband do it?. Well there are positives and negatives though I guess more negatives for men in this modernized society.

I have to agree with Alidan as well and his friend did the right thing, men shouldn't hit women its just not right though I have to applaud his self control still.


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Angel Beats--best anime of the 2010 spring season

Eventually, but seriously i think there are no such thing as True Equality, meaning 50:50 compromise in a relationship, what's more likely is a relationship close to achieving True Equality as in 48:52 or so on.

There are no 2 person that is completely alike, no even identical twins, there's always a slight difference in everybody, and even if 2 person love each other, one sides will almost always compromise more that the others, and if the others tries to equally balance that compromise, they will not achieve the so called True Equality, because the way we love each others is different hence we will give in (Compromise) differently so there are almost no ways those 2 person will achieve True Equality, mostly will only achive an equilibrium where both sides feels perfectly happy with each other compromise to their relationship, meaning each relationship have their own Equality based on the lovers personality.

And personally i think it's best this way, cause being human means being unique, you are who you are and i am who i am. If you can love me the way i am and i can love you the way you are that's the best thing in the world. Besides differences is what colors the world the most.

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Need a loving and lovely tsundere wife, anyone interested? >.<

On second thought yandere would also be fine.... O.O

Take the Magic: The Gathering 'What Color Are You?' Quiz.

You're talking about romantic relationships, right?
If so, then I have no personal experience; so I'll go with what I've seen between my parents / grandparents / friends etc.

I think it depends on the situation / people involved. My parents, for one, have it almost completely equal. But when considering both sets of grandparents, I think my grandfathers have sacrificed a little more ('cause my grandmothers can be a little pushy lol). That doesn't mean my grandpas are henpecked, though And none of the six of them have ever being married before- they insist fiercely that they'll stick with each other through thick and thin (though not in so many words ).

Now that I think about it, this might change according to country / culture / religion and even the time period. Couples back in the day seem to have had less equality than modern couples. And, not to offend anyone or anything, but it's obvious that some countries, cultures and even religions don't allow equality between husband and wife (or, generally speaking, men and women). Before I get flamed, I MUST add that I have no desire to criticize anyone's views. Please don't take this personally.
The time which you have spent in a relationship might also changes the equality levels. When I was a little kid, I'm pretty sure (can't remember very clearly, though ^^) my mother was in charge. But over time, mother and father have pretty much reached the 50:50 point.

In the end, I voted for 'yes', but, generally, I don't think 100% equality is possible in most occasions (my parents being a rare exception); but maybe that's how it should be, y'know? Some people are actually happy to think they're 'sacrificing for the sake of the other' ; so if their partner is someone who likes to exercise a little control, then they'll actually end up staying together...and will probably be happy.

I think that, until the ratio reaches around 40 : 50 , the couple has a good chance. But if it becomes more unbalanced than that, they'll most likely end up separating. (Or it'll become more like S&M and less like any meaningful relationship.)

By the way, like I mentioned before, I am not speaking from personal experience; so if I sound too idealistic or silly, please bear with me!

Last edited by calstine at 5:40 am, Jun 15 2010

Are you seriously saying that women have more power in a relationship? You are aware that we live in a world that is still extremely sexist where men are given power in almost everything; including relationships. And, yes what she said was wrong, but that would NEVER be an excuse to hit her. To use violance on someone that is weaker than yourself(or a romantic partner in general) is NEVER acceptable. Ever. And you are a disgusting human being if you think that a woman is "asked to be hit". I feel scared and sorry for any female that you will ever be involved with.

Woman are still raised to be vary of men that might hit, rape or othervise hurt them. That's because woman are almost always victims in romantic relationships.
Some facts;
-84% of spouse abuse victims were females.
-33% of all female murder victims were killed by an intimate partner.(Men were only 4%)
-83% of spouse murderers are men
-87% of stalkers are men
-1 in 12 women (1 in 45 men) will be stalked in their lifetime.
-81% of women stalked by a current or former intimate partner are also physically assaulted by that partner.
- Of people who report sexual violence, 64% of women (16% of men) were raped, physically assaulted, or stalked by an intimate partner. This includes a current or former spouse, cohabitating partner, boyfriend/girlfriend, or date.
-34% of women are victims of sexual coercion by a husband or intimate partner in their lifetime.
-Approximately one in five female high school students reports being physically and/or sexually abused by a dating partner.
-13% of adult women had been victims of completed rape during their lifetime

Please stop victimazing men, the fact still remains that just being a man makes you extremely priviliged.

You do realise that all your stats are not 100%(no stats are) which means that even though the majority of women are like that, there is that minority that isn't so then 16% of spouse abuse victims are women. 4% of men killed by intimate partner and so on, and what if the person you are calling disgusting is talking about this minority?? Your stats and all are very much spot on and I like your method of argument but your last statement was as emotional as the statement alidan made which is that being a man makes you extremely privileged. Maybe things run differently in your country but in my country being a man doesn't make you privileged at all so no it is not a fact.

Also you said that violence is not acceptable but fact is women do use violence, ever heard of a slap?? A lot of men get that sometimes lol though it doesn't hurt or anything but still it is violence but still accepted in society as being normal however in society if a man slapped a woman or hit her its not acceptable at all by society. When women get pissed, they talk about your darkest secrets, your fears, your primary weaknesses, lol like a psychological attack which you think is less harmful than a physical one but its not, attacking a personz core weaknesses usually does make the person angry its human nature, men can't do that they are not very good at it and they tend to respond with fists where the damage is observable and just not acceptable and yes i agree with you violence is not an option in relationships but neither is emotional bullying to that extent.That is the point that alidan is trying to make.

Before you tell other people to stop victimizing their own gender maybe you should stop victimizing yours and put out an objective opinion(which you did with your stats) rather than a subjective one( your last statement).

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Angel Beats--best anime of the 2010 spring season

Just saying something here; have you ever been slapped by a man, then compared the slap of a man to a woman? As you said, the slap of a woman doesn't hurt, or at least not very much, and at most it leaves a red mark that will disappear in a few hours (in my experience); it's more of a way of saying we are VERY mad at you. However, the slap of even a decent-sized man can and generally does leave a bruise, if it's done in anger/with full strength. It's basically a difference in base strength, and how much that strength can be amplified with working out (Which is a factor because most men do work out, whereas most women do not).

Just an example; One time my brother (when he was like... 13?) was mad, and he punched the trash can. The trash can got a huge dent, and the lid didn't go on correctly anymore. When I was mad a year or two later (I think I was 12 at the time), I also punched the trash can with all my strength. Nothing happened, except my knuckles hurt a lot. We both didn't work out, and the difference in weight wasn't much, but he did a lot more damage then I did because he had greater strength.

So a man not hitting/slapping a woman basically isn't acceptable because it has a much higher chance of leaving lasting damage, whereas the slap of a woman doesn't *normally* leave any damage that lasts longer then a couple hours.
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As for the equality, in marriage, I believe it's possible. As far as I can tell, my parents actually have equality. I think equality in the key to a lasting marriage, and the reason why my parents have been married for 29 years.

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Hmmm... looks like this is turning into a "men vs women" debate. Try to stick to the topic, guys and girls! tartufo wanted to know your ideas on relationship equality ; she didn't really make a point about discussing gender roles as assigned by society and whether or not it's right for men to abuse women and vice versa.

That being said, it's true that gender defines your role in a relationship up to a considerable extent...no matter what the country / culture you belong to. Still, there are occasions in which gender roles are reversed; and it seems to be happening more often nowadays. In the end, whether you're victimized in a relationship or not depends more on your personality and the personalities of those around you than on whether you're male or female. But...there's no doubt that women are abused / stalked / harassed way more than men. That might have more to do with their physical structure than the mental one, though.

But I guess the general conclusion ; 'men have a physical advantage and women have a mental / emotional advantage' is true no matter where in the world you are. The significance of this in a relationship, however, is whether the said parties decide to use those 'gender-specific powers' or not. It is definitely not true that all men hit / rape their girlfriends / wives; and I'm pretty sure there are plenty of women who hit men...whether it hurts or not is a different matter. Because you see, the desire to cause pain is there...so whether you're a guy or girl, whether your relationship lasts or breaks up, depends not on your physical strength or ability to manipulate emotions, but on how you make use of it to make the other person feel that you're both on (almost) equal grounds, and they can feel safe and calm in your presence. If you try to abuse or dominate your fiance / spouse (irrespective of gender or whether the method is physical or mental), your relationship will crumble; that's all there is to it.

And...I don't think I precipitated the argument any, 'cause I tried to remain as matter-of-fact as possible. If I did, sorry!