Humor
18 years ago
Posts: 4030
🤣 Good one!
You have a lot where the wife cheated on the husband huh?
Member18 years ago
Posts: 7789
Quote from Israfel
i have too many of these kind of jokes XD
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
Mixed feelings. 🤣
Member18 years ago
Posts: 1397
amaranthin: indeed, must be a fear of mine XD
"Rule No. 1 is, don't sweat the small stuff. Rule No. 2 is, it's all small stuff." - Robert Eliot, Writer
"Oh boy, here we go...again." - Israfel
I'm getting too old....
18 years ago
Posts: 2596
I stopped reading when i see the word masturbate ... ew, no more humor thread >_>
Member18 years ago
Posts: 1397
funny thing, you missed the best parts XD
should i tune the jokes down a bit?
"Rule No. 1 is, don't sweat the small stuff. Rule No. 2 is, it's all small stuff." - Robert Eliot, Writer
"Oh boy, here we go...again." - Israfel
I'm getting too old....
18 years ago
Posts: 2596
Quote from Israfel
funny thing, you missed the best parts XD
should i tune the jokes down a bit?
Yeah thanks >> do that >> I think i missed half of the joke 🙁
Member18 years ago
Posts: 7789
You are limiting your capacity to enjoy things. :\
Member18 years ago
Posts: 1397
okay, here's one for chue ^^
An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.
The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:
YOU WANKER -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!
and here's one for the general population ^^
One day avant-garde violinist Malcolm Goldstein, US Ambassador to Spain Eduardo Aguirre, and television's Tony Danza were on a jungle vacation together when they were caught by a tribal group.
Before they were about to be executed, they pleaded to the Queen of the Tribe for mercy. She said, ''Get me something good to eat. If I like it, you will be freed.'' The three men looked at each other and agreed. They then went into the jungle to look for some food
Malcolm Goldstein was the first to come back. He came up to the altar and offered grapes. The Queen tasted one and immediately spat it out. She ordered her servants to shove the rest of the grapes up Malcolm Goldstein's ass. The servants did their duty, and left Malcolm Goldstein lying on theground screaming.
Eduardo Aguirre was the next to arrive with some yummy apples. The same thing happened to him, but curiously he laughed as the apples were shoved up his ass. Malcolm Goldstein was shocked. Here he was with grapes up his ass howling in pain, but Eduardo Aguirre had several apples in his ass and he was laughing. He asked him ''What the hell are you laughing about?''
A laughing Eduardo Aguirre replied ''Tony Danza's coming back with a watermelon.'''
"Rule No. 1 is, don't sweat the small stuff. Rule No. 2 is, it's all small stuff." - Robert Eliot, Writer
"Oh boy, here we go...again." - Israfel
I'm getting too old....
18 years ago
Posts: 2596
hahahaha i read the one for me lmao xDDD
Member18 years ago
Posts: 7789
Quote from Israfel
and here's one for the general population ^^
One day avant-garde violinist Malcolm Goldstein, US Ambassador to Spain Eduardo Aguirre, and television's Tony Danza were on a jungle vacation together when they were caught by a tribal group.
Before they were about to be executed, they pleaded to the Queen of the Tribe for mercy. She said, ''Get me something good to eat. If I like it, you will be freed.'' The three men looked at each other and agreed. They then went into the jungle to look for some food
Malcolm Goldstein was the first to come back. He came up to the altar and offered grapes. The Queen tasted one and immediately spat it out. She ordered her servants to shove the rest of the grapes up Malcolm Goldstein's ass. The servants did their duty, and left Malcolm Goldstein lying on theground screaming.
Eduardo Aguirre was the next to arrive with some yummy apples. The same thing happened to him, but curiously he laughed as the apples were shoved up his ass. Malcolm Goldstein was shocked. Here he was with grapes up his ass howling in pain, but Eduardo Aguirre had several apples in his ass and he was laughing. He asked him ''What the hell are you laughing about?''
A laughing Eduardo Aguirre replied ''Tony Danza's coming back with a watermelon.'''
🤣 The general population - so nasty, so evil! 🤣
No, Chue that was no funny. D:
18 years ago
Posts: 4030
Oooh, I like those!
I heard a variation of the second one before, but they were in hell and the 3rd fruit's a jackfruit.
Member18 years ago
Posts: 1397
rofl, is that bigger than a watermelon?
lol, i know how to satisfy every variety of people. i should run for presidency XD. i'll be better than the one up there now, that's for sure
"Rule No. 1 is, don't sweat the small stuff. Rule No. 2 is, it's all small stuff." - Robert Eliot, Writer
"Oh boy, here we go...again." - Israfel
I'm getting too old....
Member18 years ago
Posts: 7789
Quote from amaranthine
Oooh, I like those!
I heard a variation of the second one before, but they were in hell and the 3rd fruit's a jackfruit.
Did the servants have any lube?
Wait... what was that fruit with spikes? 🤣
Member18 years ago
Posts: 1397
omg, i think it is...
ROFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! jackfruit
BAHAHAHAHAHA
OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW XD
"Rule No. 1 is, don't sweat the small stuff. Rule No. 2 is, it's all small stuff." - Robert Eliot, Writer
"Oh boy, here we go...again." - Israfel
I'm getting too old....
Member18 years ago
Posts: 7789
Quote from Israfel
omg, i think it is...
ROFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! jackfruit
BAHAHAHAHAHAOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW XD
Yeah, I just googled and decided to never bring that to anyone. 🤣
Oh no, the time is ticking, 4:47 AM, I must get to sleep to make my
face Chue compatible. 🤣
