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Don't you ever feel like you're missing out on life?
Missing out on life? Not really. I'm a very useless person, I don't have much of a personality, I'm not very pleasant to look at, I've never had any goals or ambitions in life. I'm content as long as I know I'm not a burden on others. I have a few friends from high school, and now that we are all at college and they are making new friends, new relationships, going off on their own I am sure they don't need me any more. I see them less and less, we don't really talk that often. I've made a few acquaintances at my college, but it's a two year school and they are all older than me so they will be gone in a few months, this being their last semester.
I confessed to a boy at my college and he told me that we could go out if I wanted. I was happy at first but I can tell that he doesn't enjoy spending time with me. Our first date I took him to a scientific lecture at a laboratory then to a book store. He smiled but looked so bored. I am always the one that contacts him, not the other way around. I can tell that he's a kind person, but what he is doing, he is doing out of pity. So when this next semester starts I'm giving him his belated Christmas gift and telling him he should find some one that makes him happy. He's also graduating this semester, so I hope he won't feel awkward when we see each other after that.
My goal after the two year school was to transfer to the same university as my best friend from high school. She was the person I was closest to in the world, I spent most of my free time at her house, we used to sleep in the same bed sometimes, she would even come on our family's vacations with us. We even did silly things like couples cosplay, we would both dress up as boys and I would always play the 'seme' character and her the 'uke'. She was lonely being so far away from every one else and always talked about how after I graduated I could come and live with her. She would talk about taking classes together, and becoming a graphic designer and how we could live together. Being a fool for kind words I just sat and listened. So I borrowed her dream for a while and started to immerse myself in art classes. But while visiting her I accidentally introduced her to the man that would become her boyfriend. Eventually she stopped talking about us living together, now every time I see her she talks about him instead, she sounds so happy when ever she mentions him, I know he loves her too. I don't know if I ever loved her, probably the closest I've ever been to it at least. All I could feel was jealousy for her boy friend, but now I know him and he is truly good man. I know she doesn't need me any more so I have to learn to let things go, so I gave up on being an art student, I gave her dream back.
Now my goal is to graduate from the two year school with some kind of trade to my name and start working. I'll move back home to be close to my parents. My father and I don't really talk much, but he is under a good deal of stress from his job and from my mother. She has been depressed ever since her mother died when I was in the third grade. recently it has gotten worse because I left for college and my father spends his nights at the casino or working late, though he did recently give up smoking when she asked him to. I was born several years later than my parents had planned to have children so they are both in their mid to late fifties while I am not even 20 yet and I'm their only. Because of this coupled with my mother's ever expanding health problems, heart trouble, blood pressure, diabetes, and so on, I know that soon she will have to retire and I will care for her. After she has passed on I plan to get a job and a small apartment and live on my own. I think that is why I enjoy reading so much, it's a comfortable place to retire to, with familiar characters and patterns. I read shoujo, shoujo ai, and boy's love because just seeing others happy and in love is a comforting reassurance. It may not be something for me, but I enjoy watching it. Video games, RPGs in particular, are a mindless indulgence that I take, leveling up, collecting equipment, it's a thoughtless process that I find relaxing. So because these are things that will wait for me, even if I do sleep, they will be there when I wake up. It doesn't matter if I sleep so much then.
I'm content with this path, I'm not ecstatic, but I'm content. So no, I don't feel like I'm missing out on life because I'm not missing from any one's life.
Ah, sorry, I guess that was a very wordy reply to a simple question. Everything just came out, I hadn't intended for it to turn into a life story. These are things I'd never dare to tell any one in real life, so I guess now seemed as good a time as any to get everything off my chest. You can ignore it, it's really irrelevant anyway. Sorry to have bothered you.
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