So, I'm a girl and mostly I'm sexually attracted to male. BL is a genre mostly designed to attract straight girls (like me) and yet whenever I saw fictional male x male pairing on any media (anime/manga/TV series/movies,etc), my heart ached. I don't think it's the same with homophobic because I'm perfectly fine with real life homosexual relationship and I have several gay friends I'm close with. With BL, I feel like my existence as a woman is unneeded by the gender I'm attracted to. The impression I get is how male x male relationship is always better than male x female relationship and there's nothing I can do since male and female are different after all, how there are things men possess but women don't and vice versa (that's why sometimes bromance pained me too). And sometimes I caught myself thinking about how attractive these bishounen charas and these KPOP stars are and of course nobody regardless of any gender could resist their charm (so dumb I know). I even did my research and found out that
Spoiler (mouse over to view)
male can feel pleasure with anal sex as a receiver so yeah what's holding anyone to go gay actually
. So there it is, I feel rejected and powerless and just doomed lol. To the point I have irrational fears for things that happen in BL to come true.I don't really avoid all BL because I like to broaden my consumption area in order not miss any good stories. Then after I read some BL I went to read GL to calm my uneasiness (anyway Tamen De Gushi is soo cute and the art is soo nice everyone should read it). Sometimes I even found myself comparing BL romance with straight romance and convincing myself how BL romance isn't any better than straight romance lol. It's a straight out jealousy isn't it.
Okay, I'm gonna confess that yes, I had been rejected by gay guy once and I guess that one experience ignited the whole phobia thing. Before I had never had any insecurities toward my specifications as a woman, but at that one time I found out that maybe those are not enough and as long as I'm a woman I'll never be enough.
Then I begin to think that maybe this shows how I don't understand men at all. After all most BL are written by women with their fantasies to please other women fantasies, what would they know about men and what men need. Why would I feel insecure that about how attractive a male could be and how anyone would want to jump on them regardless any gender or any sexuality, since of course I found them irresistible because I'm a straight female and it's not like a straight male would find them as attractive just like I don't find a bombshell female body to be sexually attractive. If I think calmly I could just read shounen/seinen mangas to find out what most men actually desire and all. Yet even after all the effort to be rational I also begin to think that well maybe men would jump on anything cute and hairless after all there's this 'Trap' genre that seems to have a decent popularity among males. I have also been told that most gay male would feel reluctant to admit their homosexuality because it would deny their masculinity and it got me thinking, is that it? So male prefer other male after all, but only choose females to prove their masculinity? (another dumb conclusion I know, but just the mere thought of it gets me uneasy)
Sorry for the long rant (I seriously need to get this out) and thanks for reading. Anybody out there feels the same?
Last edited by bossmama at 9:52 am, Jul 4 2016
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DONDAKEE!!