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Last edited by Bits at 10:13 am, Feb 18 2012
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Will you still love me? - Chapter 1 (original fan fiction)
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Member
6:22 pm, Feb 1 2012
Posts: 7
jail bait
Member
1:14 am, Feb 4 2012
Posts: 1444
ooohhh.. a battered daughter who works to support herself and her alcoholic father meets a popular guy.. now where did i read that before?
BUT!
i like the voice of this, how you write, i mean. but this kind of tragedy story is broken record. but maybe thats just me hating drama. but i think i would like to see a chapter two
________________
oh please do click this!
The sweeter the apple, the higher the branch. The quieter the fart, the nastier the smell.
GUESS WHO??
BUT!
i like the voice of this, how you write, i mean. but this kind of tragedy story is broken record. but maybe thats just me hating drama. but i think i would like to see a chapter two
________________
oh please do click this!
The sweeter the apple, the higher the branch. The quieter the fart, the nastier the smell.
GUESS WHO??
Member
9:35 am, Feb 4 2012
Posts: 797
"Original fan fiction" - so... just fiction then...
I really don't think this is the best place for sharing your writing. You could try Fictionpress or DeviantArt, which might make the search for an artist easier. MU is totally not geared towards this, probably explaining the lack of replies in the thread.
Two things I would add on the constructive criticism front:
Most of your sentences are very repetitive in structure and loads of them are just "she did this" or "when she did this, she did this". Try and vary it a little. I also think the tension in this part doesn't really come across and you might be able to convey it better through the writing style.
Look out for missing apostrophes - run a spellcheck. Also, you've got an abrupt tense change in this paragraph for no apparent reason and it reverts a little later. Try and be consistent.
Although, if you're planning to make this into a manga, your writing is not particularly a problem and it's probably the story you want critiqued. And I'd have to agree with otakuness that this is not the most original premise. I'd also point out that if you're using Japanese names, it's almost certainly set in Japan. Do you know enough about Japanese culture and daily life to accurately set a story there?
________________
世界のどこかに 必ず
キミの居場所が ある筈
I really don't think this is the best place for sharing your writing. You could try Fictionpress or DeviantArt, which might make the search for an artist easier. MU is totally not geared towards this, probably explaining the lack of replies in the thread.
Two things I would add on the constructive criticism front:
Quote
She jumped out of bed after fighting off her bed sheets. Her fingers fumbled as she struggled to get dressed. When she finished, she grabbed her comb, purse and a couple other accessories and shoved them into her bag. She made sure not to make a single sound. She swung her bag over her left shoulder and headed for the window. When she got the window a quarter opened, someone started pounding on the door. She stopped and stared at the doorknob as it rattled. Adrenaline flushed through her. She pulled the window up as fast as she could, first throwing her bag through, then following right after. She stumbled down the steps outside of her apartment while her father yelled after her through the open window. She didn't look back, and instead, continued to run.
Most of your sentences are very repetitive in structure and loads of them are just "she did this" or "when she did this, she did this". Try and vary it a little. I also think the tension in this part doesn't really come across and you might be able to convey it better through the writing style.
Quote
Today was the very first day of school for Mai Nishizawa. Until now, she studied on her own at home. She went through several different methods to receive the necessary education she needed. She was poor, she worked part time to support herself and her fathers needs. It was just her and her father living together. Her mother passed away while giving birth to her, so shes never actually gotten to meet her. Not a single photo of her mother remains in her apartment. She believes her father got rid of the photos of her because it was too painful for him to see her face. The old friends of her mother continue to tell Mai how she looks just like her. Mai's father resents her for this.
Look out for missing apostrophes - run a spellcheck. Also, you've got an abrupt tense change in this paragraph for no apparent reason and it reverts a little later. Try and be consistent.
Although, if you're planning to make this into a manga, your writing is not particularly a problem and it's probably the story you want critiqued. And I'd have to agree with otakuness that this is not the most original premise. I'd also point out that if you're using Japanese names, it's almost certainly set in Japan. Do you know enough about Japanese culture and daily life to accurately set a story there?
________________
世界のどこかに 必ず
キミの居場所が ある筈
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