I'm facing a dilemma. Basically I've liked this girl for a long time, however, she recently ended her relationship with this guy who is a close friend. But shes not still hung up over him, she totally hates him. I don't care about the guy cause he was pretty much a douche and treated her badly, but heres the situation:

My other friend who is close to her is telling me that if i want any chance at all i NEED to confess tomorrow. Hes saying that tomorrow is the best time because something is happening and i absolutely have to confess tomorrow any later would be worse.

But! I asked her to the banquet as friends so we're going as friends, and I've been getting really close to her. I assume that the possibility of her liking me is lower than 5% and if i confess it might make things a lot more awkward, and she might not talk to me.

Should i do it?

p.s. We are both in our senior year and will be going to college soon so even if by the faintest possibility she says yes, it would be very difficult to keep the relationship going.

________________

Honesty is the best policy - if you like someone (and they're available both actually and emotionally), you should say it. You've got nothing to lose.

What concerns me though is that you'd call this "close friend" of yours a douchebag... If you can call him that, then how is he your friend? Or are you sure you'll be able to treat her better? Or are you sure that their fall-out is his fault completely and she doesn't bear any responsibility for it? I'm just confused... I mean, I don't think I could be friends with someone that I genuinely thought was a douchebag. Lol. Maybe I'm just confused by the way you phrased things?

Another concern is that you say she's not hung up over him, but she hates him. Uh... Those two things are mutually opposed. If you've truly gotten over someone, you don't love them or hate them anymore. Basically, if you've really moved on, you don't have any strong emotions for that person anymore. Maybe a softer affection or a vague dislike is ok, but certainly not hate. That shows that she hasn't completely let go of her pain and hasn't completely recovered from the break-up.

By "recently" ending her relationship with his guy, how recent do you mean it is? Whether it's a good time to confess or not will depend on that; definitely not if it's just after the break-up, as she may need time to recover and any confession during this time might end up looking either like you're trying to take advantage of her in a weak moment or might end up getting you used as a rebound, which is a horrid experience (trust me), and not one you should be aiming for. You want her to like you for YOU, right? In that case, it might be better to wait until she's recovered and doesn't "hate" your friend anymore.

Because honestly, if he's your friend and she hates him, she's even less likely to go out with you if you're on "his side" as a friend, right? And also because if he's a close friend of yours, then she might have to meet him regularly and she may not want to go out with you because of that. Not to mention the whole mutual friends thing... Will your friend be peeved at you for "taking" his girl? Is he over her?

You should only confess to her if she has gotten over her ex AND if he's gotten over her. Normally, you would only care about the first thing, but since her ex is your close friend, you could seriously stuff things up between your friend and yourself AND the girl and yourself, if you don't make sure of this first.

I definitely think you should confess to her, like I said at the start, but I don't think you need to "grab" some chance to confess to her quickly before really considering the consequences. Confessing only leads to the right results if it's done at the right time.

Well, that's what I think anyway. No matter what happens, I wish you the best.

about my close friend, i really shouldn't have said close but more like just friends. i mean we joke around and stuff together but nothing really intimate or personal. I call him a douche because he knew i liked her and he told me he didn't like her than told me he was gonna make her fall for him, so he did and kinda played with her the whole time

thanks for your advice. recent as in a month ago

________________

Well, if it will turn into a long distance relationship anyway,
I'd not bother. It would be of more nuisance than benefit then.

Oh my god, he really IS a douche. >:-O What the hell... I can't believe people so callous can exist! I mean - to pretend he likes someone and actually go out with them when he doesn't like them, just to satisfy his own ego? Holy crap... I can't even imagine being twisted enough to pull that off, it's almost psychopathic... Scary.

But seriously, why didn't you confess to her first if he said he was going to make her fall for him? If you'd confessed then, that would've been the optimal time as she may not have had to go through this horrible experience...

Well, what's done is done. You can still confess now!

Yeah, if he isn't a close friend of yours then she might be more accepting of you. I reckon you should go ahead with it; you've put it off for too long and look what happened the last time you didn't confess and this sick douchebag did! Plus you don't have to worry about losing a friend - a "friend" like him you can afford to lose, and good riddance to him. Jesus, he freaks me out... This kind of guy you should avoid even joking around with from now on, just stay away from him - you never know what kind of things he can pull. I mean it, man. People like this can sabotage relationships and destroy marriages, just for the thrill of it... I've seen it happen to others, don't let it happen to you.

Oh, and about dating her...

Don't worry about going to different colleges, as long as it isn't in different countries you guys can still date and be happy together. Doesn't matter if you have less time to meet, if you genuinely like each other and work at the relationship, it can be really sweet. My good friend recently got married to and settled down with this guy she had been dating long-distance for like 4 years, it's amazing they managed to pull through because they both worked at it.

I say - go ahead and confess! If she accepts, start dating her and work to win her heart and become special to her in your senior year! That way, if things are going well for you two by time you both graduate and leave for college, you can STILL keep the relationship going. You have to make the most of your time NOW and make sure you build a foundation now that might last beyond your graduation. People have done it before; you can do it, too.

Good luck! I hope she accepts!

Last edited by tartufo at 3:35 am, Mar 24 2010

It's tough - I was in a similar situation once so I know a little about where you're coming from. The only major difference in my case was that the ex-boyfriend was a real douchebag and no friend of mine, and the girl was a very close friend.

I ended up confessing while they were in the relationship, gambling on the fact that we were close friends to at least smooth things over if it went wrong, which I'm sure it would have, but I couldn't wait any longer. To put things simply, it made things awkward for a very long time because 1) she hadn't gotten over him yet and 2) we had a romantic history together before the ex. The fact that I could no longer even talk normally to one of my best friends was like losing her altogether.

Almost two years later, she and I have since become buddies once again but I'm sure neither of us has forgotten what happened, and I doubt I'll have another chance with her for a long while, since I helped her out when they broke up and she's seeing a mutual friend I helped set her up with. Too deep in the Friend Zone, one might say.

In the long run do I regret confessing? In hindsight, no, since I valued her friendship more than some romance that would have been hard to keep up in different colleges. But it sure hurt like hell at the time.

Thanks so much for your inputs they really encourage me. I've made the decision that i am going to confess. i honestly do treasure her friendship very deeply, i don't want to destroy it but i think i might regret never confessing to her and i would wonder what "could have been" for the rest of my life if i don't confess. So, I'm going to do it tomorrow.

________________

Don't confess dude... As a girl I can tell you that if there is a particular thing happening that your friend knows about and is not telling you, it really might not be the best time. Such as, if he/she knows that she is falling for someone else and is about to make a move, or something like that.

In my life, every time I've done something in a hurry/when the timing was not right I regretted it. You will know when you can confess to her, you will feel the atmosphere between you being sexually tense or electrified. What the hell is the point of setting yourself up for a failure if those things are not there yet. You say you are close... work on it a little more and probe her for reactions subtly. If a girl likes you she will let you know.

PS: If she just broke up with the douche, let her really get over it first. Hating him doesn't mean she's over him. No point of becoming someone's boyfriend just to be their painkiller.

I'm basically in the same situation as you except the guy I really like broke up with his ex last year. Of course, I have no idea if he's over her, even if he said he would rather go to prom with me than her(and he is). AND I'm terrified she'll take him from me, just as she did last year. So I need to confess fast. Anyways, yes, confess, though keep in mind that she's fresh out of a relationship so you need to make sure that she knows exactly what she's getting into(if she says yes).

So I'll ask a bit of advice too since we share the same problem. Is there a way to confess without ruining the friendship? And a right time?

We're going off to spring break this Saturday until the first Tuesday of April and I really want to do it in person. The problem is that we're quiet & a bit awkward sometimes with each other. As much as I want him to reciprocate my feelings, I'm terrified that we'll be extremely awkward(that's what happened two years ago when I confessed -___-). And then there's the fact that we're seniors....and our colleges are 300 mi/6 hours from each other.

________________
Well, I was sitting, waiting, wishing you believed in superstitions, then, maybe you'd see the signs. Lord knows that this world is cruel and I ain't the Lord, no, just a fool, and a loving somebody don't make them love you.

I'd say you should do it. You might not ever have another chance to, and if you miss this one you'll definitely regret it for a long time. If it turns out well, that's fantastic. If it doesn't turn out well, you won't have to deal with each other for much longer and it'll be a rosy memory someday.

________________

A year is plenty enough time to get over someone.

Or is that just me? I was over my last ex a month before we broke up.


For the OP:

I don't know, but I think you should tell. But maybe not get your hopes up. Don't put any pressure on her, just tell her how you feel, that you think she has a right to know, and if she doesn't feel the same, you won't hold anything against her. Why lose the chance to have a good relationship? Either way, if it doesn't work out, you wont have to face her soon anyways. If it does work out, you have the summer, you could transfer schools. If it's worth it, you'll do what you have to to make it work.

I'm really curious to find out why you HAVE to confess tomorrow though. Is the world ending or something?

________________

I'd never recommend "confessing". Ever. I really don't get why us guys are so fond of that. I blame Hollywood.

Showing your intentions is one thing, trying to be part of the romantic comedy-ending is another.

It's a very common occurrence for guys to try and sneak into a girl's panties (I do apologize, I'm sure your motives are far more romantic, but a rule of thumb since you're old enough - don't fall for/make a girlfriend out of a girl you haven't even slept with yet) through the friend-zone. None of them realize that the friend-zone is littered with mines, and once you go in, you'll only blow yourself up trying to get out.

"Abandon all hope..."

At this point, the girl no longer sees you as someone sexually into her, and confessing is actually not that far from whipping out your dick and telling her to touch it. Thing is, you've been lying to her about your intentions with her "for a long time". What does that say about you?

But, since I have a feeling you've already made up your mind about confessing, since you're about to part for colleges soon, since I really don't have any proper advice for getting out of friendville, since I don't care about the outcome -- what the hell, go for it.

Let this moment in life be a lesson to you, and promise yourself that you'll never, ever have more than one foot in friendville, and PLACE THE WEIGHT ON THE OTHER FOOT. Never, ever let a woman's sexuality relax around you, or it will easily fall into a coma around you, only to awaken before your very eyes in the arms of someone else.

Edit: Clarification.

I have a lot of attractive friends, and they are mostly just that - friends. I joke around a lot, I'm playful and friendly. That doesn't mean that I don't bare my fangs once in a while. "You look so good I think I'm going to eat you up" with strong eye-contact and different voice-tonality. Or a sensual, sexual touch. It keeps them on edge, and I never cross over to just being a friend.

Last edited by Jooles at 7:32 pm, Mar 24 2010

You may not read this in time, but go for it, man. It doesn't matter how long you have until you both graduate and go to college. You still have time right now. If you don't do it, then you'll always wonder what would have happened.

On a side note, it's best that you don't assume what she thinks about you.


I wish you the best of luck.

So I did it yesterday. I confessed.

His response? -speechlessness-

The next time I see him is in 11 days. What are the odds he rejects me?


________________
Well, I was sitting, waiting, wishing you believed in superstitions, then, maybe you'd see the signs. Lord knows that this world is cruel and I ain't the Lord, no, just a fool, and a loving somebody don't make them love you.

A little late but... go ahead and confess if you have the balls to.
But realize it really isn't a big deal if you get turned down.
You have the rest of your life to find "the one".

Not to mention you guys are going away to college and meeting new people.
Overall it may not be worth it to rock the boat.

________________